No. She's not with me...
One of the most horrible outlook-altering phases of a budding relationship is the adoption of insecurity. As a twitter consensus produced, I am not alone in enduring this awful transition in dating somebody new.
I have festering feelings — wondering if I’m smart enough. Or pretty enough. And gosh darn it, does he like me? Yes, yes and YES, of course. I gleefully over-indulged in my narcissistic side before this particular person came along, and up until this point in dating. I have had plenty of disposable men in my income, inducing a modern gal approach to binging-and-purging. So, what provokes the switch into a gloomy existence of self worth? Finding someone worthy?
The dating story unfolds: Stage one - find someone you like; Stage two - become comfortable enough to fully release all the sides of your temperament; Stage three - undress the skeletons… and subsequently wonder which will internally freak him out (because there will be one… even if not fully disclosed until later into the dating sequence); Stage four - FREAK OUT (aka: question all motives and intentions of the other party).
Survey says, (out of full awareness) there is nothing attractive about insecurity. Maybe it’s convenient enough to take a strong personality down a notch or two. Maybe it’s OK to show a weakness. Who knows, maybe it’s an endearing quality in some single minds. Obviously, we are all viewed in separate lights corresponding to the different men or women whom we date.
While I would like to tread off to my fantasy land and believe that my intuitive nervousness was a requisite stage of relationship development, I cannot help but feel it is completely counter-productive to moving along in an emotionally-ready standard. Quite frankly, my insecurity in dating derives from my failures in this area of my life, particularly in my later years. And it progresses harder and deeper with each new entry in the drawing. And I have no idea how to prevent it. Regardless, I embrace it… then find a close friend to expunge my uncertainties.
But what is it about the new-ness of something potentially great, that provokes doubt in almost every aspect in what was attractive about you in the first place?
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December 3rd, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Everyone feels insecure. The fact that you have gotten to the point in the relationship that you have is an accomplishment in itself. Some guys feel just as insecure, and maybe even more so. How easy is it for a woman to walk into a bar and pick up a date if she wants ones? How many nights have men gone home alone because they are the one that no woman wants to give a chance? Not all men have bad intentions or evil motives. Calm down. Be grateful for what you have.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:19 pm
I’m so glad you brought this up! I completly agree. I think it stems from finding someone who makes you go woah! and you want them to want to be with you just as much as you want to be with them. Just re-read that! Does that make sense?
And maybe it’s just me, but I always wonder what their ex was like…wondering if I compare.
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Did he GIVE you a reason to feel insecure, or is this all self-inflicted?
If it’s the latter, I agree with Lonely… calm down long enough to realize that he has decided to try to make something work with a girl (an awesome girl, natch) who doesn’t live two seconds from him. That in and of itself says to me that he thinks there’s something there. LD relationships are not easy, so I think you really have to think there’s something special to pursue them.
BUT, if he did something to MAKE you feel insecure… well, I’ve got some Italian relatives who know what to do with a pair of cement shoes…
December 4th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I know it is not this simple, but seriously — fight your insecurities with every fiber and muscle of your being. Give yourself pep talks, take deep breathes, try to rationalize when you’re feeling irrational. . .Play mind games with yourself if you have to!
You have absolutely no reason to feel insecure
December 4th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Lonely - next post is for you, buddy.
FSingle - I don’t compare myself to exes because I realize the changes we go through as we a) age and b) go through these serious commitments and c) all have sexual history. But what you said is right on - it’s always prompted by someone with the “woah” factor.
Bridemaid - it’s totally self-inflicted! LOL But good to know about the cement shoes project, if need be.
Kelly - a million times, thank you. I’m trying to do all those exercises — and if at the end of the day, I just have happy nerves, I’m ok with that too.
All - I’m calming…
December 4th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
I think that’s exactly it: fear of the unknown and the idea that nothing can be that good … there’s got to be something wrong. The key is when you do find that potential skeletal problem, deciding whether it’s enough to make you move on or it’s something you can look past.
August 11th, 2009 at 3:59 am
It was such a relief to read this post, it makes me feel slightly ‘normal’ especially the last bit “But what is it about the new-ness of something potentially great, that provokes doubt in almost every aspect in what was attractive about you in the first place?”…I have the same issue in my ‘new’ relationship, he treats me like gold but I still freak out.
@ Mel you are so right, it is prompted by someone with the “woah” factor.
@ The Modern Gal It was a skeleton in his closet that made (makes??)me insecure, silly thing tho is that I have indentical skeletons in my closet and they dont make him as insecure as I get!