Life, Liberty & Pursuit Of Your Boyfriend

This morning I participated in the Color Me Red event at David Scott Salon in North Olmsted on behalf of the American Heart Association & Go Red for Women organization.

So… I’m now (more of) a redhead:

One, I LOVE the shade of red created for me. Two, I needed a haircut like nobody’s business — she took off like six inches from the back! Three, BANGS! Final, I think it makes me look older… yet I like that.

Meanwhile, the last couple days I have been feeling less than myself. I’m bored out of my mind (with a slight tinge of loneliness), but I have the cleanest apartment this side of the river downtown and the happiest (albeit lazy) cat in Ohio. I’m feeling intelligently deprived, so I’m reading a lot, but I still have nobody on a regular basis with whom to converse. I can’t do too much or go too far from home, being that I’m still waiting for my unemployment wages to process. After a couple Super Bowl beers last night, I felt deflated, somewhat tired… and fucking CRIED (yeah, you know, dumb commercials and the Saints win and all. Right). And it was the worst sort of breakdown - for no explainable reason — I didn’t feel overwhelming pings of sadness or upset. I was laughing at myself because it just wouldn’t fucking stop. Yeah, like that.

I feel… useless. I don’t know how else to describe it.

I had to shake it off. After having my hair done, I felt recharged. It was great to socialize with new people — gossip a little, even if I don’t typically do that. I even read a freaking Entertainment Weekly (not that I really understood a lick of who or what everything was about).

Today has been ultra-productive, and I have prospective awesomeness in the near future. For now, I know I should be enjoying the time off while I have it, but I kinda think I have more to offer than just being a Stay-at-Home Cat Mom.

I mean, LOOK:

Watch, Mommy! They're talking about Llanview and cheating again!

The damn thing watches One Life to Live, and I don’t even watch soap operas. I am NOT cut out to be a mother!

UPDATE: And. AND… I completely forgot the entire reason that I wanted to post today in the first place. Man, I love tangents. And angles, but only if they are obtuse.

Today is my 18-month mark of my quitting smoking. ONE YEAR and another SIX MONTHS of no tobacco or nasty nicotine in my system. It is delightful. I am very proud of myself. That was my tie-in to the whole idea of why the American Heart Association is a great organization — offering the means and ways to a healthy heart. QUITTING SMOKING is #1 on all the medical and “Be Healthy” lists for a reason.

Tune in next time when I tell you that you’ll be gay, and you will like it!

For the love of whole grain Cleveland, can we get a bakery somewhere around East 4th Neighborhood for fresh breads, buns and like sandwich rolls?

Yes, I could go to the market (even if NOT ONE COUNTER HAD FRESH CROISSANTS!), but I am now an urban dweller with TWO FEET THAT WORK properly. West 25th is a bit too much of a walk for bread — and a bike ride over that bridge in these temps is downright suicidal.

We tried making bread… once. Remember how much I complained about not being able to find dried milk? Yeah, the dried milk that was in a bread recipe that just needed to be re-concentrated ANYWAYS. UGH. Buying bread is much easier.

Or so I thought.

We buy a fresh “daily” loaf of some variety each Saturday morning at the West Side Market, but this week was special - we had some inception of a sandwich meal no fewer than four times.

Sundays are always made for grilled cheese - made even more heavenly this week with the addition of an aged gouda. Later that night, we made a turkey/avocado/balsamic marmalade sandwich (remember the twist tie.. ahem), prepared with a crusty hard bread (also purchased at the market).

Dammit. We forgot to buy croissants at Dave’s. Then progressed into my first exploration of local bakeries. Monday was out… BAKERS DON’T LIKE MONDAYS. So, Tuesday, I went off to the west side bakeries I’ve heard of — Breadsmith& Blackbird Baking Company. Blackbird sold me two of the most delicious, buttery croissants.  Based solely on appearance, I was disappointed (they looked overcooked) — but they were a perfect complement to our homemade chopped liver (recipe courtesy of The Greenhouse Tavern).

Note: I was also suggested Zoss the Swiss Baker in Cleveland Heights and On The Rise, not too much further on Fairmount. I drove to Cleveland Heights for three years for work. For now? I quit you… you horrible, non-convenient driving into east-side suburb!

Another day passes. I realize I’m about to put my pork shoulder in the crockpot. And again, I have no freakin buns for pulled pork sandwiches (I like ‘em Memphis style, mmm-kay?). I was suggested a place called Atlanta Bread Company on Chester — I couldn’t find a location online that’s existed since ‘Nam. Or that was closer than MF’ing Michigan.

I continued down East Ninth to Stone Oven in the Galleria — the downtown location doesn’t sell loaves of bread (or buns), but I picked up a couple slices of sourdough to last for the remainder of the week. There will be egg salad. I’ve eaten egg salad two days in a row with no bread. For shame.

THEN I trekked (mind you, it’s 32 degrees — ZERO CELCIUS — downtown; Key Bank told me) to Constatino’s on West 9th. Behold, packaged onion rolls/buns. They’ll do.

Mind you, after walking around downtown for an hour, I would have been better off going to the market. Whatever. I have ALL DAY.

But seriously. SERIOUSLY. I’ve got a place for sweets, another for fresh pita… Is there some sort of old school mom-and-pop-esque bread company downtown that I am missing?

There is an even bigger generation gap beyond the years that separate us: When talking about popular lead singer, Susanna Hoffs… he had NO CLUE of whom I was speaking. You know, “Walk Like An Egyptian”? Geesh… Tragic, these kids born IN the 80s.

Vending machines dispense awesomeness… at a price: I don’t use vending machines. We never had them at any of my offices. Perhaps an M&M or a Snickers bar was purchased in the break room of the west-side satellite campus of CSU, but, yeah, not familiar with the offerings and price points. He enjoys a Dr. Pepper every now and again (I think he should just start drinking coffee with me), and was gushing over text message that the “throwback” version  was added to the workplace vending. I replied, “Hope you brought your three quarters!” You know, ‘cuz pop is 75 cents, right? RIGHT? Uh, no. Apparently it is 2010, and vending soda is now $1.50. No WONDER that can never dispensed! A full decade of wasted quarters.

He is trying to kill me: we made these awesomely-delicious sandwiches (Thank you, Tom Colicchio) that contained a balsamic onion marmalade, that also contained a METAL TWIST TIE! And only on my sandwich. Ouch, ouch… METAL FILLINGS! I’m watching you, boyfriend. News flash: I do not have a life insurance policy.

I had to borrow a pair of his khaki socks last week for an interview. He thinks he needs new socks; I think I need new socks. He wears like a size 14 — how the fuck do his socks even fit me. How big does that make MY feet, by the way? I have two pairs of gold toe argyle knee-high socks (my FAVORITE) that I have owned since high school (ahem, 15 years ago) that are JUST NOW starting to thin in the heels - that’s how great these socks are, but I cannot seem to find replacements. That’s how badly I need socks, especially dress socks. Or maybe I should just wear all the pairs of tights in my sock drawer. Whatever. NEW SOCKS. end tangent.

The waitress thinks he is cheating: During opening week at Dante, our waitress “recognized” AB from opening night. But she feared acknowledging him openly (yet, she thought it out loud anyway) because HE WAS WITH ANOTHER GIRL and his parents, mind you, but that’s neither here nor there. Perhaps she thought they were MY parents. Imagine the greater shock for a moment… Lucky for his penis, he has a solid alibi: a) I was with him on the night the waitress “saw” him b) we were in Tampa. Funniest part of all, this was the first night he wore his Sexy Glasses out. Mind you, the first day he OWNED said Sexy Glasses. So, yeah, there’s that too.You know, ta-may-to, ta-mah-to. People, the waitresses are watching you!

OMG, I wish you could see him in these Sexy Glasses. Like, uncontrollable hotness, geekiness and smartness all rolled together. *drool*

Answer me this:

Sucker for great photography? I am.

Especially with hot male models? Hell, yes.

Drool over sexy fashion trends for men? I do.

Enjoy penis? Duh.

Erect penis? More, please.

Work Hard, Play Hard is for me you.

Oh, while this particular link is generally “ok” for viewing pleasure, majority of the site (and pictures in sidebars) are NSFW.

How fucking serious am I when I’m blogging? Or, in the middle of still writing my vacation blogging posts — getting in every minute that I can. What’s that? You’re out of work, Mel & you have all the time in the world to be writing right now. Not quite.

BTW, learning Mac shortcuts for use in lame-ass iSight is awesome. Look at me, I can take pictures of video from my web camera! Which, by the way, was totally worth putting extra memory into this MacBook — multiple applications run awesome.

Anyway, that’s me before hitting a party on Saturday night in our awesome brick-walled, many-windowed loft downtown. And our seriously-lacking vinyl collection in the background.

And YES I’m wearing a cropped silver velvet jacket and multiple key necklaces.

What I like most about this grainy-as-all-get-out pic (that  lightened quite-crappily in Preview) is you can see my forehead scar. I got that when I was around 7 or 8 (13 stitches total — 7 on the muscle, I believe). I don’t notice it too often — you know, having lived with it my entire life, and that make-up typically covers it. But in this bright overhead lighting in our kitchen/make-shift dining room, you can still see it. Cool.

Hey, Mr., Ms. — DOCTOR. Anonymous! Why not introduce yourself on your blog today? Let me know if you do, and I’ll link back and add it to this post or you can leave said link in the comments below.

Cheers!

Who loves you?

No, not falling in love, romantic rashes — doing “it.” And by “it,” I mean, going to the Animal Attractions event at the Cleveland Zoo’s Rainforest!

Next Thursday, February 4, join other animal, ahem… lovers from 6-9pm in a great event sponsoring the Cleveland Zoo Society. This adults-only adventure takes you behind-the-scenes, with the chance to see some animals or creatures… doing it. And by “it” this time, I really mean the dirty deed.

While you’re sampling your Valentine’s dish, nibble on tasty beverages and food provided by local restaurants like Blue Canyon, Great Lakes Brewing Company, AMP 150, among others.

When big shit happens, I can maintain a fairly level head of the situation at hand and act accordingly. So, why does the “small stuff” still wreck havoc on my insides and provide endless amounts of stress? And why is flying STILL one of the most traumatic experiences for me ever?

Never start a conversation with your significant other with the words, “We have a problem.” As I also tweeted, boyfriend will immediately assume pregnancy has befallen him. I am not fucking pregnant, by the way…

I have never taken my boyfriend for granted, and when semi-big shit hit the fan, I knew because of him in my life, I truly had no worries. It’s an even bigger, heart-melting, “WOW” than I have ever imagined. He’s got my back. And he dishes some great advice. No, you cannot borrow him. But I do like to share.

Yeah, yeah… *puke*

There are still some awesome girls left in Cleveland. Outside of my inner circle of girlfriends, I resigned that most chicks were catty gossip-mongers. In my experience throughout my schooling and career path, most women were *not* extremely helpful and/or mentoring. “She” would react to my looking to change careers or “do better” in the community that I was somehow out to get her. I am not a back-stabber —  never have been — and I find it extremely unfortunate that more professional women do not look out for one another. Perhaps I looked for advice and guidance in the wrong circles all along. That being said, after a fantastic gnoCLE this week, I remembered that there *are* awesome women in this city, ever looking out for one another even if purely to motivate. And the bonding! That is more precious than the chocolate-peanut-butter-cup martinis. Thanks again for the invite, KK.

Oh yeah, and I need to find a job because I am all-kinds-of-bored. Sitting at home watching a cat is fun for a day — maybe two. But seriously… I hate court room dramas, and I’m caught up on basically everything on Hulu. BTW, can you watch full episodes of Bad Girls Club online somewhere?

FAIL Blog, the epic wiener of accidental penis gave me this last week:

And the balls deserve their own chapter.

Upon further research, IT REALLY DOES EXIST! The book, rather, not-so-much on a man whose penis is SO HUGE it renders itself too useful for society.

Benefit to Help Rebuild Haiti

Saturday night, join like-minded Clevelanders for a benefit to help rebuild Haiti.

I met a fantastic woman, Inga, last night at gnoCLE* who is half-Haitian — and together with CLE Clothing & Speakeasy (the new swanky bar below Bier Markt) — has scheduled a fundraiser for the recent earthquake victims.

With a suggested donation of $10 — as well as additional ways to donate at the event —  come out this Saturday, January 30, from 8pm until close on, and party in your island attire for a great cause. Open your hearts (and wallets, good sirs!), as all proceeds will be donated to the Habitat for Humanity International: Haiti Relief.

Clevelanders come together for a great cause once again. I love you guys!

*gnoCLE = Girls Night Out Cleveland.

On top of experiencing a somewhat spirited/hectic week, AB & I added a little bugger to our household:

This is Rudy.

Finally, someone (else) to kill the spiders!

Now, I make no promises that this won’t turn into some thwarted version of a Kitty-Blogger Blog, albeit amidst complaints that the fucking cat is a nocturnal wench. I guess “bastard” is more appropriate here, since he’s a he. Night two was better than night one (when he didn’t sleep at ALL). He likes to lick the carpet (that sounds perverted, no?). He is fascinated by the bathroom sink faucet. He so obviously wants to eat wet food, as he keeps purposely soaking his dry food in the water dish. He is terrified of the Euclid corridor. He meows when he is playing… which is almost always. He is definitely more personal assistant than categorized by the APL — he LOVES helping out at the laptop. Although he does not apparently want me to read (he plopped right down on my book on my lap).

OMG, this shit will not let me blog today…

Anyway. Hilarious event though, while filling all the adoption paperwork out at the APL, some documents stated he was a she. We laughed that we adopted a transexual cat… from Lakewood of all places. We never expected to end up with an all-white cat either, but he’s really freaking cool and he matches well with our apartment motif.

So, thanks to whomever wasn’t allowed to have cats at his/her new apartment (Life, Liberty & Pursuit of Your… House Pet).

Rudy (his given name) is awesome.

Cleveland Scene Magazine posted a survey to learn all about your sexy, sexy time (and the people within it).

Dare to answer honestly? I’m super curious as to how other Clevelanders would respond, especially to the “cheating” question.

Oh, Scene… just make me a judge already.

There are prizes for awesome answers — but NOBODY will be identified in print or online, so pay no mind to that Webmaster behind the curtain.

Day two in Tampa. It’s still freaking cold. I’m beyond feeling breakfast, and feeling the need for a big sandwich. Before heading off for vacation, I looked up a few restaurants and places to go while visiting Tampa. One of those places was Datz Delicatessen and Foodie’s Market (and Loft Bar). Oh, the irony upon opening the complimentary local paper in the hotel room and finding it also listed in the Taste section as one of Tampa’s best.

For a Clevelander, the best manner of describing Datz’s is comparing the sandwiches to Slyman’s, but a restaurant with the attitude of Melt Bar & Grilled (including wait time for a table — although they DO take reservations), stuffed inside a Mustard Seed with beer coolers containing all your favorite small craft brews. Concept: awesome.

We shared the #15 Ty’s Two Fister (corned beef, pastrami, Swiss, muenster & honeycup mustard on pumpernickel) & #21 Matt’s Wild, Wild West (smoked beef brisket, fire-roasted green chilies, provolone, Datz zesty BBQ sauce on sourdough). Both were served with sweet AND salty chips drizzled with creamy blue cheese.

Datz’s also has a cheese, wine AND beer club - whatever all those entail, I want, I want, I want! We grabbed a Pick-a-Sixer for our happy hour later (AB found a 120 Minute Dogfish IPA. Thankfully, he only bought one because that shit was fierce).

But where’s my pickle? *sigh*

While waiting (in the cold with no coat) for a cab again, I warmed up in the bakery next door — Kalupa’s Bakery. (Sign in Datz’s restroom said, “We like Kalupa’s Bakery. Kalupa’s likes to tow cars.”). I grabbed a couple sugar cookies and sweet bars (lemon / raspberry) to nibble on in the hotel room. The sweets were OK; nothing overly remarkable in the cases.

We met up with some of the aforeposted “awesome girls” in their adjoined hotel rooms (also at the Marriott) for a little pre-partying before leaving for the “official” TRBX pre-party at Gaspar’s Grotto in Ybor City. The artists were performing OUTSIDE. Have I mentioned how cold it was in Tampa? With only one heat lamp on the patio (and a random pit fire), after a couple drinks, we decided to group cab near the airport for yet-another-pre-party.

Blue Martini sits in a Crocker Park-esque lifestyle center. It reminds me of a large Bar Louie (there was one of those too). John Tag, Jackson Rohm & Francisco Vidal were a few of the artists I remember performing. “Remember” being a wholly loose descriptor of the night.

While standing around, enjoying the music, one of the girls from hotel pre-party came over and took a big, long bite at my neck.

Uh, that was awesome… RIGHT?!

I was stupid, silly drunk for the first time in a long, long while. I cracked up endlessly upon hearing a random girl tell her friend, “poop and rally” in the bathroom  – which is now my new mantra. Somewhere in the night, AB cut me off — for the FIRST TIME EVER (typically, I’m the one to call a party over). Passed out in the cab, we still ended up with McDonald’s drive-thru back at the hotel with us. Awesome (but ew).

Ew, mostly because our clothes REEKED so badly of cigarette smoke that we had to place our clothes outside on the patio to “air out.” Yeck.

And… AND, I woke up with a giant hickey on my neck in the morning for TRBX.

First things first, I have a rough time flying. As much as I attempt to think logically about the statistics and what-not, I am a balled up mess of anxiety (so balled that Xanax DOES NOT WORK). But I have a system: ALCOHOL. It is the only thing that allows me to function and not flip the fuck out. So, when I arrive at the airport, I typically have a tall Sam Adams and a shot of Jack Daniels (two if I made it to my terminal in time).

HOWEVER, my flight out of Cleveland was at 5:30 am and DAMMIT I still do not own a freaking flask. I took the rapid into the airport at 3:48am. THREE FREAKING AM. I obviously did not sleep the night before I left (and I cannot sleep on planes) sooooo… let’s just leave it at “interesting.”

And even more interesting, the bars do not begin serving until 5am at Cleveland Hopkins. To which, I had no time to drink.

I had to wait until the actual flight to have a drink. ON THE TINIEST PLANE I EVER SAT IN. FML.

Fast forward an hour and so many minutes later, I’m in Hot COLDASAWITCHESTIT-lanta, saddle up to the airport bar, and the bar is only serving coffee (and probably milk, but WTF?). NO ALCOHOL UNTIL 9am. FML x2. Seriously though, isn’t Atlanta like the King of Krunk and Pimp Cups? Doesn’t that mean like drinking your balls off or something. I want just a mini-pimp of something resembling liquor.

Can we go back and change airport liquor laws to not coincide with the lame laws of the state? For serious.

Thankfully, I was only stuck in Atlanta for an hour, until my final flight to Tampa (yay, for those reward miles and not being able to find a direct). Oh, and AB & I had to fly separately.

Upon arrival to Tampa (with AB’s flight coming in about an hour after mine), we head over to the Marriott Waterside. It was in walking distance of some restaurants and attractions (and I LOVE the new trolley system through the city!). We grabbed some Thai at a mediocre restaurant not really worth mentioning, then trekked over to The Florida Aquarium.

It’s not as great as some of the other aquariums I have visited (Atlanta and Baltimore being my favorites), but it was a fun afternoon of giggling at penguins and river otters. Acting like we are twelve is so much fun. Then, I ruined my spray tan by reaching into a tank to pet a starfish. One half of my arm was white, the other tan.

This was why I intended to stay away from the hot tubs. Guess I can do that now. Because there will be no outdoor swimming and sunning in cold-ass Florida.

For dinner, we located a few Cuban joints in Ybor City, and decided on Carmine’s (sticking to the Cuban-influenced dishes on the already intense and broad menu). The food was so good, and our waiter suggested an even “gooder” place to hang afterward – New World Brewing Company. Imagine combining the beer cooler selections of Edison’s Pub, The Greenhouse Tavern & Melt, adding in some hot lesbians and placing an all-vinyl-spinning DJ in the corner. While determining whether we were truly in a gay bar or just a really awesome bar at that, we sat back and enjoyed some great beers and awesome music. The only thing I did NOT like about the bar was the smoking. OH, how I do NOT miss smoking in bars. NOT ONE BIT.

This DJ played everything from old trip-hop (Moloko) to vintage Hall & Oates (truly loved the scratchy, vinyl sound). This guy was seriously raiding my preferred shuffle! I joked about him playing NWA — AND I SHIT YOU NOT, he played NWA. On vinyl.

AB asked him for some Seger, to which we were denied. *sigh* Then, a couple songs later, he found a soundtrack with “Old Time Rock & Roll.” So awesome beyond words. This is something Cleveland needs. A REAL DJ. VINYL shuffle of the most random. And if this exists (and good beers are served to boot), you must let me know immediately.

After cabbing back to the hotel, we met up with a couple girls at the bar there and finished off our first night in Tampa.

Night well done. Times two.

While I pace myself writing about the fantastic music and artists on The Rock Boat, I figured it’s been a week, so time to sum up the vacation itself.

BUT THERE ARE NO WORDS!

No question, this is one of the coolest and most fun vacations ever planned. You know, without all that shitty weather. I met so many awesome girls, AB & I had an absolute blast and um, drinking and eating (albeit rather crappy, unhealthy food) whenever you want.

AND NOBODY JUDGES YOU because we were all there to sing and dance and drink our asses off in the same manner. Mine didn’t fall off until well into Day #4.

While I didn’t take any pictures aside from the Towel Dog in our room on Day #3. Here’s a few pics from my shitty mobile cam and others to tide you over (heh, tide. FUCK THOSE WAVES!):

View of "backstage" during load in on Day #1

Group shot the only day it was "warm." (I'm in there)

Coming up, a post about Tampa — a place I haven’t visited in ten years. We spent two days in Tampa before we even got to the boat. Too much fun…

Don’t you love I keep teasing you with posts?

Canadian reader “Tiger Lily” submitted this penile gem: Holiday Splash!

Sometimes, there are no words. Only pictures. And in the case of this picture, get out your red pens for another installment of “Find the Penis!”

I mean, I knew that Canadians were more liberal… but in the newspaper!?

I cannot believe it’s past the mid-point of January. Week-long vacations have a way of taking a big ass chunk out of the month.

Another vacation, another year of not dying from alcohol poisoning.

Both our road trip to Indiana for New Year’s Eve and our vacation on The Rock Boat were fantastic. Now, it’s January, and we’re in the throes of house shopping and cat adoption and general muckraking. When AB said this would be a big year, he wasn’t kidding. 2010 is cranking out well into a fast pace.

Heh, cranking.

We’re only a couple months away from our downtown lease ending — and searching for our next home in Ohio City/Tremont area (likely the latter). I need to start the arduous task of packing up my condo (with hopefully dumping majority of the excess shit stored there). Mel meet Craigslist. We’ve decided that with kids NOT in our future, the adoption of animals is the next appropriate step in our relationship — and while in our current location and not knowing our future location, a cat was the reasonable option. That, and that a cat can take care of itself much more than a dog would. So, this weekend we bring a new furball into the mix.

Hopefully, kitty likes spiders.

Last week, on top of unpacking and realizing I LOST my original birth certificate, my (secondary) ID, two sets of earbuds and apparently MY MIND, we had two new restaurant openings to attend and my grandmother’s 86th birthday.

And AB & I trotted through our ten-month mark without nary a hand job tutorial.

Yes, I am severely disappointed with myself too that the previous statement made the same blog post as my own grandmother’s birthday.

First up for the weekend was meeting the parents for dinner at Dante in Tremont. Delicious night of food! (More to come on the restaurant and meal itself in a future post). Oh so delicious that I AM DROOLING. But let it be known, this restaurant has moved into our top 5. No question.

For gram’s Saturday birthday, my two aunts, my dad’s girlfriend & I met up at No. 10 Palmer Place in Painesville for lunch. This tea room is so cute, and the staff and food are both fantastic. Sadly, the owner has decided to sell after only three years of ownership — I truly hope a vibrant person exists to take over the reigns, as they have a well-oiled location running. *wink* On top of turning 86, my grandparents recently celebrated their 67th (YES, 67th!!!) wedding anniversary. Could you imagine? Her response to my inquiry of her “secret”: it took work to get through the rough stuff.

WORK! Do you hear that? Relationships take work. Age old secret of marriage. Now, while I don’t intend to be “wedded” to anyone anytime soon, I agree. You can’t just quit when the shit hits the fan. Behind “work” (without the awful negative connotation of the word) is communication.

So, make it work, people. Then talk about shit. ALL THE SHIT.

I absolutely adore being around my grandmother. She’s so spunky, and I beam for days after being able to catch up with her. Ironic that I feel an 86-year-old woman is more in tune (and in love) with my life and how I live it than any other.

After a mad dash to locate dry milk at several local shopping locations (really, don’t ask), we had to ready ourselves and our food donations for pommes frites at The Greenhouse Tavern (and nibble on the new app on the menu — some “Devil” wrapped dates…. must order!). Seeing that GHT has a completely new menu, we need to make another trip soon. Soon after a couple beers and too-many-french-fries, it was the soft opening for Chinato on East 4th Street. Again, another delicious addition to our food-heavy weekend. (Yeah, bitches, I’ll get to a review of that too). But Christ, that meal took up three-and-a-half hours of potential writing time.

There was also more drooling.

Food. Food. Food. Crap…

I’ve got MUSIC to write about! My goal was to get a post up about TRBX in a week, so I’m aiming for the first installment of that in another day or two (over at Addicted to Vinyl where it belongs).

And can you believe it’s already Penis Tuesday tomorrow?!

Shit. I need a vacation.

Well, hello ladies and germs. I have returned from the cold, choppy seas of Tampa/Cozumel. With no tan. Not even a new age spot or cleavage wrinkle because we experienced perhaps twelve minutes of sunshine.  I ever expected to wear my Cleveland WINTER gloves to a concert on the Lido Deck of a Carnival Cruise. For serious.

But in all other bad-assedness, this vacation was by far one of the most fun, coolest, and awesome-of-awesomest times of my life. More to come on that.

I think my land sickness has finally subsided, and it’s back to the grind. Expect some typical Mel stories, as well as great reviews on concerts and music in general. Thanks to all the great bloggers and friends who sat in for me while I was away — by the looks of things, you loved the additional humor, the TMI… and who doesn’t love HOT roller girls?!

Peace. Love. Save the Haitians.

Today’s guest post is from my dear, dear friend, Kent Smith. Sir Smith is here today to rave about Cleveland’s own Burning River Roller Girls. I swear to you, I will grow a set of balls this year to actually try out next season.

I even have two potential nicknames selected — obviously not family friendly… so I might have to change ‘em. Although I still love the name Pat McRotch. I may or may not have had a bumper sticker on one of my first cars that read that. Just sayin’.

Burgers or burritos when I get home, Kent, ‘kay?

——————————————————————————-

First of all, I am honored to supply some content to the Pursuit of Your Boyfriend blog. In keeping with the theme of strong, independent women, I would like to provide an update and overview of the meanest ladies on skates, Cleveland’s own Burning River Roller Girls. In the spirit of full disclosure, I must state that I am one of two derby announcers for the team.

After building its fan base the past three years, the Burning River Roller Girls are about to go big time. On March 13, 2010, the four BRRG league teams will launch Season Four at the Wolstein Center on the campus of Cleveland State University. This blog will attempt to do three things: 1. provide an overview of Roller Derby in America; 2. re-create the BRRG history and finally; 3. I will stoke the subplots for Year Four.

Roller Derby in America

There are 78 American and Canadian cities that have sanctioned and ranked Roller Derby teams. The parent organization of Roller Derby is the Woman’s Flat Track Derby Association. More teams are being added every month. Every Fall, The WFTDA sponsors a four-region, national tournament that results in an overall champion. In concept, it is similar to the NCAA college basketball tournaments. Each of the four regions invites its top ten teams to determine its top three qualifiers for the Championship Tournament. That Championship Tourney (held last year in Philadelphia) takes those 12 qualifying teams from the Regions and eventually crowns an overall champion.

For the first time ever, Cleveland’s Burning River All-Star team qualified as the 10^th ranked team in the North Central WFTDA Region. So last September, they traveled to St. Paul, Minnesota for a weekend of derby action and they left the 8^th ranked team in the region. Not bad at all for a team that was in their first WFTDA tourney.

Roller Derby in Cleveland

Cleveland has four league teams (The Cleveland Steamers, The Hard Knockers, The Hellbombers & The Rolling Pin-Ups) and two travel teams (The Burning River All-Stars and The Hazmat Crew). The travel teams are made up of skaters from the four league teams and they … well … travel to play derby teams in other cities. Whereas the league teams play each other and eventually one of the four BRRG League teams wins the Hazard Cup. League play (between the four league teams) begins in March and concludes with the Championship Bout in July.

The three-time defending champion league team are The Hellbombers. The Hellbombers have not lost since 2007. In the first league championship in 2007, they rallied to beat the then undefeated Hard Knockers. In 2008, the Hellbombers successfully defended their crown again against the Hard Knockers. In 2009, the Hellbombers three-peated but this time the team they defeated were the Cleveland Steamers. The Steamers had been the leagues last place team in the first two seasons so their appearance in the Championship Bout was a testimony to their collective hard work and dedication.

What’s Ahead for Season Four of the Burning River Roller Girls?

First a quick description, then the teams – then the venue. For those have you that have not seen Roller Derby let me provide a quick explanation. There are five skaters on the track per team. Teams score points when one skater (called a Jammer) passes members of the opposing team. The other four skaters (called Blockers) are playing offense and defense at the same time. The Blockers are trying to get their Jammer through the pack while they try to stop the opposing team’s Jammer. All while everyone skates counter-clockwise and tries to knock the crap out of members of the opposing team.

The biggest question is can the Hellbombers be stopped? Like Baseball – if your team has 4 very strong starting Pitchers – you will have a good chance to win most games. The Hellbombers return four very strong, veteran Jammers. The other League teams can often field two, maybe three, strong Jammers but the Hellbombers often wear out opponents due to their depth at the point scoring position. The Hellbombers will most likely be able to make a return visit to the BRRG League Championship Bout.

The real question is who will meet the Hellbombers in the Championship Bout? Will the Hard Knockers return to 2007, 2008 form? Will the Cleveland Steamers continue their development and take the Hellbomber crown? Or will the Rolling Pin-Ups, who have only played in the conciliation bout, finally be able to turn the corner?

My prediction: the Pin-Ups turn the corner in 2010 and will challenge the Hellbombers. Why? The Rolling Pin-Ups have a collection of veteran Blockers and, with the strength of their 2010 rookie class, they can finally go four deep at the Jammer position. As their rookie class gains experience, they will probably peak towards the end of Season Four.

But the most exciting news of the 2010 season could be that the BRRG teams will be playing at the Wolstein Center on the Cleveland State University campus. After playing seasons 1 and 2 in North Ridgeville and Season 3 in Euclid, the BRRGs now have a Downtown home as they get to lace up their skates inside Cleveland’s second largest indoor sports arena. And you should be there.

The first bout is on March 13, 2010. Doors open at 5PM; the first bout starts at 6PM. Every bout is a double-header as all four league teams will play each night. Advance sale tickets only $12 a bout and are available at Ticketmaster or at the Wolstein box office. Season ticket packages will get you all five league bouts for the cost of four. For more info see their website which is www.burningriverrollergirls.com

I will see you at the Wolstein Center in the Spring.

Kent Smith is the co-author of “Please God Save Us” and one of two announcers for the Burning River Roller Girls.

One friend leaves, and another comes back! Dott-O is back in The Cleve! While we had a Missed Connection when I visited Vegas, I’m super-excited about her (semi) permanent reinstallation The Steel Ovaries Happy Hour back home. Truly.

And it’s always uber-awesome for a (re)addition to the local arts scene…

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So Mel asks me to “guest blog” and before really thinking about what to write, I accepted. “Hell!” I thought.“I can blog about my cross country ski adventures or the non-dating scene I am a current member of or even what it was like to make two solo transcontinental treks (which I highly advise EACH of you to do)!” Instead I’ve decided to write letters to my ex-lover, Las Vegas and my rekindling with Cleveland.

Dear Vegas,

We had three wonderful years together, but I needed to move on and I feel like I can finally air what has been on my chest. There were things that just didn’t mesh with us. The economy started to dump and the lifestyle we shared became ever more out of reach. Your inability to handle driving in the rain and the very rare ¼” of snow was preposterous and laughable. I never liked your tick-tacky, flash-in-the-pan nightclub fetish and felt that you needed to support a lot (A LOT) more metal shows and art exhibitions! Also, expecting me to pay $15 for a Heineken?
Not cool!

However, there are things that I am pining for. I miss your hotness. I miss your ability to make me shed my long pants and shirt and bask in your warm glow. I miss how we’d party all night long, embrace the sunrise together, take a nap and start all over again. I miss your bright, neon smile and your fast pace. I miss your geography, baby. I miss it like you can’t believe! I’m sorry things didn’t work out but I will never regret our time together, Vegas.

Dear Cleveland,

Wow! It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? I’ve been thinking a lot about you in the past few months and I’ve got to say, you’ve gotten really good looking. I mean, you’ve always been cool with your rock and roll and your other interests, but there’s something else. Cross country skiing with you has been nothing short of A BLAST! I’ve loved going to wine tastings and exploring the region. I’ve gotten to hang out with some old friends and it hasn’t been “weird.” I know that we’ve had our issues in the past but I’m looking toward the future and think that we just might make this happen. I mean, you’ve inspired me to get back into fighting shape AND you support my art! You are lavishing me with metal shows all over town and frankly, isn’t that what really gets to the heart of a gal? You’re so…comfortable and cuddly, too.

Ah, Cleveland. I’m really looking forward to this. But you’re going to have to work on your cynicism. It’ll give you wrinkles.

If this thing with Cleveland doesn’t work out, I’ll probably be back in March for a quickie! So keep that champagne flowing and your party hat on.

Love, Dott

With great sadness, I introduce soon-to-be-former Clevelander, Cleveland Caper. *sigh* We just started to be what would be a really good friendship… with karaoke nights to be scheduled.

She asks for suggestions… for WHAT? Well, you have to read until the rest of her post. But of course, the answer to any question is always: MORE LESBIANS.

Duh.

I need some sort of mantra for 2010. I’ll miss you, my silly-local-drama-crafty friend! And forever I will think of you when I pour my vodka-cranberries and see the most wonderful “I {heart} Penis Tuesday” magnet on my fridge ever.

*sniff*

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Penis! Penis! Penis! Sorry, I felt the need to do that.  I have to say, I am quite flattered that Mel asked me guest post here on LLP, but I was a bit unsure of what to write as my adventures are not nearly as colorful as Miss Mel.  Then, I was inspired by the name of this blog and how it mirrors my future.

As I have been a complete and total blog fail recently, I should explain that during my trip home to Joisey at Thanksgiving, I was offered several opportunities for jobs and realized I just really missed home.  That being said, I have decided to move back to The Garden State and hit the restart button on my life.  After 5 years of living away from home (in Phoenix and Cleveland), I’m ready to return.  This is how I came to think about “Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Your Boyfriend,” as my new credo.  Here’s why:

Life – I am finally taking control of my professional future.  After 2 lay-offs, 213 job applications, 17 interviews (including one at a certain hall of fame where my interviewer said, “oh, I am so stealing some of your ideas! Grr!), 5 temp agencies and a serving job, I feel that I my college degree (go Scarlet Knights!) and my talent is being wasted.  Not anymore! Although, I’m not going to go into the particulars of what my new job is, I can say I am so excited about it! I feel as though I am in the driver’s seat for the first time in a very long time.

In addition to my professional pursuits, I plan on filling my days with all sorts of fun endeavors.  I’m dusting off my guitar and plan on getting back to music and the singing I miss so much.  I’m going to train for a race with my Dad and take yoga with my mom. Oh, I guess I should mention that initially I am moving back in with my parents; if that isn’t fodder for blog posts, I don’t know what is.  I wonder if there is a TLC reality show in here somewhere.  Luckily, my parents are awesome and support me in all of my crazy and spontaneous adventures.  Unluckily, I know my father is going to drive me nuts.  Either way, this is my life and I am taking control of it!

Liberty -  Before I made the decision to leave the 216, I was battling the idea that I was somehow giving up.  I was born in Cleveland and that is why I decided to move here 2 and a half years ago.  Although I can’t shake the feeling that I am somehow a quitter, I know that I really gave it my all while I was here.  Now, I feel free to leave to pursue different opportunities.  I’m not giving up on Cleveland, I’m committing to myself.  There are so many things I am going to miss about living here.  I’ll get into more about that on my own blog, but I am going to miss all of the kick-ass bloggers I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know.  It makes me sad to feel that I am just getting to be a part of a community and then leaving.  I guess liberty has its price…

Pursuit of Your Boyfriend -  With my new year/new me inspiration came the re-evaluation of my 5 year relationship.  The truth is I love the boy with all of my heart; I always will.  I can’t give a great explanation as to why I feel the need to be on my own, but after serious consideration we both decided to take this time to be single.  He has been so supportive of my plans and will always be my best friend.  I can’t say what the future holds for us, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.  In the meantime, I’m just going to focus on me…ok, and maybe making out with a few strangers.  Although I won’t be actively pursuing your boyfriends, I’m not going to be turning them down either;). Here’s to a year filled with LIVING, LIBERTY and BOYFRIENDS! What are your plans for 2010?

Thanks for letting me post Mel! I may be moving but I will always read this awesome blog!  Now it’s off to pack…and think of a new name for my blog.  Any suggestions?