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{penis tuesday} Even though sometimes it’s a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis.

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Here’s a story about a cannibalistic spider with not one, but TWO detachable penises (pen… penii??). Because when he’s done, he’s done. And he can just detach himself and move on to the next one.

WELL ISN’T THAT A PLAYFUL METAPHOR FOR THE MALE SPECIES OF ANYTHING?

I cannot read this story, of course, because… well, mother-fucking SPIDERS. And clicking the link to the Live Science article produced the tip (heh) of a photograph of said arachnids near the top of the story. I was not about to scroll down to see dual-penised CANNIBALISTIC eight-legger in all his natural habitat glory.

Quite frankly, even thinking about this will give me nightmares for eight weeks.

PS, Mel: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE “DETACHABLE PENIS,” HOPING TO NOT SEE A PICTURE OF A SPIDER WITH A DETACHABLE PENIS!
GAH!

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{penis tuesday} in politics: does size matter?

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No really… AMERICA WANTS TO KNOW!
Mitt Romney, tell us that it ain’t easy living with a huge penis. Because that’s the only kind of pole-arizing topic I care about.

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{penis tuesday} that dude played the piss right outta me

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We all know men are, um, “directionally challenged.” Will video-games-at-the-toilet FINALLY teach men how to aim their penis in the right place? THEN I’M ALL FOR IT! This sounds like something useful and effective to train boys in early development for purposes of toilet training: HOW TO PISS IN THE TOILET PROPERLY — and not spray the floor, the wall… OR THE FREAKING SEAT.

There are five games available on these “toy-lets” — one, even, where you can challenge your neighbor to a literal pissing match.

But then, there’s this:

The curiously named “The Northern Wind, the Sun and Me” is designed to stimulate a player’s interest in the opposite sex. The aim is to blow a girl’s skirt up and reveal her underwear, with the harder the player urinating, the harder the wind blowing.

And I’m pretty sure I’ve lost all faith in technology, Japan, men… and urination.

{the telegraph} Sega launches urinal game consoles in Japan.

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{penis tuesday} say what?

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{penis tuesday} just another tuesday…

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{penis tuesday} just another tuesday…

It was just your everyday Tuesday: wake up late, chug the coffee, run to your trainer appointment (still sore from last night’s two-hour practice). Then, you scan and snicker at the headlines for your favorite Tuesday Topic… And the story “WOMEN ARRESTED FOR FATAL DICK INJECTION” jumps out at you.

I repeat: N.J. man dies from penis enhancing injection

JUST ANOTHER TUESDAY of body insecurities and the criminals who exploit them. Here, I thought the woman who injected FIX-A-FLAT into butts was batshit. And this time, I am not attempting a clever euphemism.

PSA: Men, stop trying to plump up your dick!

Photo credit: xMYTiMe viz flickr

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{penis tuesday} Go Cocks!

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{penis tuesday} Go Cocks!

A gift for me upon my arrival to Charleston… err, well, the night before I left actually. I love my friends.

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{penis tuesday} impotencia!

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{penis tuesday} impotencia!

I’m not too proud to mention that this clove cigarette pack was calling out to me from a trash can in the ladies room at Kelly’s Bar & Lounge last weekend. No, I’m not that desperate for a smoke — I just can’t help myself, when I’m drunk and see penis, I have to reach out and grab it. Heh.

*thumbs down*

There’s no mixing warnings here at all. One, it’s probably not a good idea to stick your hands into garbage cans at bars. Tsk. It was SO HILARIOUS at the time.

And in reference to sexual health: yes, even smoking cloves can make you impotent. So, stop that shit already. Be good to your penis (and by extension, your lady with the weird, long fingernails).

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{PT} Pejazzling.

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{PT} Pejazzling.

This gets a no. A sincere “no, I will go nowhere near your nether regions if you are wearing rhinestones, no.” I am NOT a promoter of bedazzling your vag either, for the record.

Your penis should not be pretty! It’s the rule of the sexes. You were stuck with the ugly sexual parts. And forever you shall be. And thankfully, evolution got rid of your “spikes.”

See the penis bling (and all the ridiculousness said by its “promoter”) here: After vajazzling comes pejazzling. {Daily Mail}

Seriously, can this un-sexy body decoration business stop. Adhesive crystal tattoos went out in 2000 (regardless of strippers and hoochies saying otherwise). And they should stay there. STOP TRYING TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

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{PT} What’s in a name?

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{PT} What’s in a name?

The very shape of food can ask for head turn heads (ask the banana). I also watch America’s Next Great Restaurant, where I was happily cheering for Saucy Balls. Food — as well as its advertising and messaging — and sex seemingly have a natural relationship. And man, I hate when all they do is break-up-and-make-up.

But the following brands are treading a fine line of unintentional double entendres that are outwardly porn-a-rific!

Just MISPRONOUNCE IT and maybe nobody will notice: Bimbo. You know, with the catchy jingle: B-I-M-B-O (that sounds eerily familiar to the creepy, drug-tastic Friskies commercial).

I am NOT a bimbo, creepy white bear. I’m a BEEM-bo (please don’t kill me). Bimbo: best invention since sliced bread. HUZZAH!

Sadly, it’s NOT a frozen chocolate-covered banana: MAGNUM ice cream (but maybe it should be)

Question: does it come in a gold wrapper? I need to let EVERYONE know the size of my… package.

On second thought, that packaging DOES resemble a condom wrapper (albeit for a man ice cream bar who’s large and in charge). Well done, marketers.

Heard or seen any food sexual references lately?

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{PT} Art All Night

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Check out Diggin Pitt’s Art All Night (in Lawrenceville) post (now: with PICTURES!).

And yes, there were penises… I mean, in art, aren’t there always?

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The hits just keep coming…

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Bet you thought this was going to be a roller derby post, eh? It’s not (but update coming this week). But this IS another “holy crap, why am I still getting old before I’m old” post.

My dermatologist diagnosed me this morning as having nummular eczema (side note: I need to learn how to spell that), after experiencing a horrible (and recurring) rash on the backs of my hands since January. Awesome healthcare system we have, I couldn’t get an appointment with as a new patient until May (today). What started as, what I thought to be, heat rash, then spread to strange oval-shaped patterns to my inner elbow pointing place, then the back of my knees/calves… and then to my neck (receiving one inquisitive “WHAT’S THAT?!” remark, as though I received a dirty hickey). Thankfully, my condition was tolerable, as I didn’t experience the painful itchiness or broken sores regularly associated with eczema (I guess it’s my stellar tolerance for pain), albeit it was ugly. And embarrassing as all get out. I almost didn’t want to give up glove season.

Also: I was done thinking of doomsday scenarios, like having to get rid of my cats.

So, I’m not dying of skin cancer, and I do not have MRSA, but Wiki does tell me this:

The disorder is recurrent and chronic, and may appear at any age, although it is most common in people in their 60′s.

Sigh.

I also “should not” use self-tanners anymore. And, say “buh-bye” to Tide detergents. And generic hand soaps. And my Sephora Happy Birthday! present: Philosophy’s Birthday Cake shower gel and bubble bath that is currently en route to my apartment. I also have to reduce the temperature on my hot showers.

Hello heating pads, old lady!

Penis Tuesday bonus: Of COURSE, I still went on a Google hunt after my appointment to add more research for my brain… and found this: Sulzberger-Garbe Syndrome. Note: YOU DO NOT WANT IT.

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{PT} Bonus: Semengate

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“So there’s a deeper bond between men and women than St. Valentine would have suspected, and now we know there’s a better gift for that day than chocolates.”

And yes, that line is in direct response to semen. *chuckle* As in: directly applied — in the vagine — the substance has mood-enhancing effects, thereby increasing bonding between males and females. Why can’t distinguished scientists have a personality too? For shame, that he felt it necessary to resign because he “lightened the mood” a bit.

Man, it’s stuffy in here.

Read the story at The Huffington Post: Semengate stuns scientific community

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{PT} Religion is like…

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{PT} Religion is like…

Who wants to take a stab at finishing THAT phrase?

Ahem:

from: FFFFOUND!

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{PT} Luxury Condoms

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{PT} Luxury Condoms

I’ve probably overwhelmed nearly every pun for putting on a condom, but when it comes (heh) to the ORIGINAL Condom, having safe sex is no joke. In fact, it’s something of a luxurious experience. You know, because you have such discriminating taste… with those random, various anonymous vaginas.

“Condoms protect everyone from disease; ours protect from tackiness” – G. de Bizemont

Oh, the French.

The Original Condom: Safe, but elegant.

Actually, that’s Safe Sex with elegance, chic and eco-aware. “Safe Sex” is capitalized, FYI. The messaging, well, doesn’t even make any sense from this copywriter’s standpoint, but whatevs. I suppose that is besides the point, but something is definitely lost in translation here.

While I can applaud the humanitarian efforts behind the product (is that a TWSS?), I find it hysterical there is an option for a package that is meant to be displayed — as inspired by jewelry. Or completely ridiculous pretentiousness, as it were.

Enjoy some history of the condom in this company PDF. Also, I did not know the “original” condom (in 1839) was meant to be used up to five years. *puke*

{h/t to the multiple people who sent me this}

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{PT} Protect the Penis

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{PT} Protect the Penis

I enjoy tutorials. Almost as much as I love how-to videos and illustrated instructions. I don’t need no stinkin’ Kama Sutra! Unless it’s the 1970s version, with all the hairy bushes because that, sir, is an awesome sex encyclopedia.

So, naturally, I would love ThemaJock’s “How It Works” page. The thermal product’s main purpose is to “protect the penis.” Of course it is. Always, ALWAYS protect the penis. Especially, as the picture suggest, in ball-shriveling cold temperatures.

Don't be silly, protect your willy!

Also, this testament:

ThermaJock… fasteners can be adjusted to fit any size athlete. {emphasis mine}

Athlete.
*air quotes*

{h/t Mandy}

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{PT} Tree nuts

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{PT} Tree nuts

You know what I love… or shall I say, “WHO” I love? People who look out for me — and my blog’s favorite (and by all statistical accounts most popular) day of the week: Penis Tuesday. Thanks to Erin of ‘Burgh Living for this fertility gem of a sac.

Behold, The Testicle Tree.

There are so many “nut” puns that I could tell, but sometimes just a picture is worth a 1,000 dirty penis jokes:

Credit: Quinn.Anya

Who knew there were so many connections between the tantalizing fruits of the avocado to men’s most “sacred of body parts.” And now that I know they are an age-old “secret” to inducing fertility, I have now banned them from my kitchen. But the REAL question is: does one of your nut sacs hang lower than the other? It’s for SCIENCE.

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{PT} Skate nuts

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You know those hanging balls that dangle from the hitch at the back of hoopties? OMG, I hope you do… Well, I FINALLY saw a pair out in the wild last weekend, while up in the North Hills. I wasn’t quick enough to snap my own picture, however.

And while there is technically no balls in roller derby, YOU CAN ACT AS THOUGH YOU GOT ‘EM while you’re being awesome on your roller skates!

Yes, it’s exactly what you think it is.

{h/t to Church Lady for making my blog a THIRD TIME… I tend to think this is going to be a season worthy of a LOT of Penis Tuesday topics}

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{PT} spiky “cactus”

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Thanks to two lovely friends for being sharp on their penises. And knowing exactly with whom to share an important news story related to man and genetic “mutations.” And the ever-popular body part in this crooked penis in the woods.

I’m so flattered. I think. I suppose it’s still better than having a SPINY PENIS. Also “scientifically” known as: Mating Plugs. Otherwise referred to in this household as: “this is MY vagina, dammit. And no one else will be entering it.” (said the dominant male).

Some things in nature never change.

Side note: who needs bonding and LONGER copulation?

Anyone?

{BBC NEWS: How man “lost his penile spines.“}

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{PT} I can drive a stick

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{PT} I can drive a stick

Isn’t it amazing the lack of GOOD forwards you receive these days in email, what with all the other sharing options available on the net. While my gmail account limits thank me, Penis Tuesday does not. So… yeah, you should email me when you find good cock: mel {at} pursuitofyourboyfriend {dot} com.

[Ed. note: NO PORN, PLEASE]

That said, this gem was passed around gang-bang style from a friend in Columbus, Ohio.

SUBJECT HEADER: I went to get my car and some dick had me blocked in.

MESSAGE:

Car blocked by giant snow penis

Who needs fuzzy dice?

And… scene. No fluffers required.

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{PT} Don’t be silly; wrap your willy!

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{PT} Don’t be silly; wrap your willy!

I'll take the soy sauce

If you’re nude, tube your dude.¬†Need condoms (and free ones, at that)? There’s an app for that. I feel like that’s been (over) stated. How meta.

From the Consumerist:

Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” like free condoms. That must be why the New York City Health Department picked today to unveil its new condom-locator app for iPhones and Android devices.

“We are trying to reach everyone having sex,” said a department rep about the app, which allows users to input their address and find the five nearest spots to pick up a free condom. “The younger generation uses their iPhone and we want to make it convenient for them to access condoms.”

So, if you find yourself getting lucky in NYC with an empty wallet (well, you have ahem… “bigger” problems), just remember: put a condom on your dink before you put in in her sink. And use the condom-locator app to get your hands and penis on some willie wrappers. Because it’s always sweeter when you wrap your peter. *wink*

OK, I’m done now…

top photo, via flickr: beth.spergel

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