You’re the song I hate

It hasn’t been a particularly BAD week, just… annoying. In that way, like every place you walk you kick something or bump a hip into a doorknob or close a finger in a cupboard. Then, to top it off, you burn your forearm on the iron.

Yeah, like that.

So, I made a shit list of things I regularly hate and other things that made me roll my eyes this week because people were pissing me off (mostly online, because let’s be serious, you know my ass hasn’t left my new apartment in five days).

Hate:
Slow drivers – Good thing I don’t really have to drive anymore. Like, at all, save for errands and shopping on Saturdays. I can walk the streets and take the shortcut and FORGET ABOUT YOU, ONE WAY! And you know, stop off and buy a pie in Market Square. For NOM.

Spiders – They’re Here. Outside our windows. And they will die one-by-one, so long as they dare come into my new apartment (hence, the tiny one on the ironing board, which caused said forearm burn when I went all mad freak out on that eight legger’s ass). What do they like so much about this high floor anyway? Do they REALLY need a view of PNC Park? What I am dreading: Winter. For when all the creepy crawlies need to come inside from the cold. I’m watching you, bastards… And your friend, the caterpillar, who decided to hitch a ride up here in my sunflower plant.

The Post Office – Crisis averted today. Thankfully, I found a Kinko’s just down the street. Is this not the absolute worst place on Earth? I mean, besides the Social Security Office, but thankfully I need not go there on a regular basis. I’d rather jump into a pool of syringes, a’ la Saw. OK… maybe not. EEEEK.

Paul McCartney – Best Beatle ever? I DO NOT THINK SO. McCartney’s voice makes me all stabby and road rage-y. Almost enough to not even like Michael Jackson anymore. Side note: Am I the one who has tired of Jackson’s music since he died? Poor soul. He just keeps getting skipped on the iPod. McCartney is enough to make me throw my iPhone out a moving car window. Preferably at that slow-ass driving 40mph on the freeway in front of me.

IMO/IMHO – No shit. Really? I mean, whose opinion did you expect me to fault when YOU blogged or YOU updated your FB or I banged your mom? It begins with “D” and ends in “umbass.”

Horoscope Tweets – Sure, I used to read my horoscope. But somewhere in my mystical moment when I stopped believing in “God,” I likewise ceased to put all my eggs into a metaphysical basket with healing crystals and a FIVE STAR DAY! I am guilty of tweeting my food. If this will make you stop, I will stop. But seriously, auto-tweets at all (including that new top follower madness) is enough for me to delete you FOR GOOD. You are in the same category as those Farmville losers. If you know what I mean. IMHO. Say, say, say… *stab*

Wanna play Words With Friends? Moving on…

FISHERS – Thanks to The Daily Balance for covering this one today. Do you remember the episode of “Saved By the Bell” when Lisa told Jessie, “You can’t give me popcorn without the butter!”? Well, I think of that line every time somebody posts anything that I have to guess. I am already gullible — you can tell my ANYTHING — and I would believe your cockamamie story. So, put some mother-fucking butter on my popcorn and just tell me “what” already. You know, now that you provoked me by putting in a DVD and took all of your clothes off.

In other Facebook inanity, there are those… ahem, “gems,” who post notable quotes like “it is what it is” or “everything happens for a reason”and these “gems” are likewise on my list of hate. Forget the cliche! Try an idiom! I do not believe in any of that crap that you somehow “wait and see” and something happens… or it doesn’t. How does it go, “for every action is an inaction”? Or, “an equal and opposite reaction”? I’m no scientist, but before my head explodes, look up the word “accountability.” Then, proceed onward with your shitty life and all its consequences. Or, I don’t know… change?

Because I’m now a former Clevelander, some people think it’s OK to bash Pittsburgh in a passive-aggressive manner. Look, if you’re my friend IRL, then we’re cool (no, seriously, we are and you can commence giving me shit). But if you’re some dumbass or friend-of-a-friend on twitter who I do not know IRL, it is cause for dismissal, deletion and immediate unfollowing. IT IS ALREADY OLD, and I have only lived here for five days. Now, if you apologize and promise to never remark on my location in a derogatory manner, perhaps I will add you back to my list. But please bring a box of flavored marshmallows to sway my decision.

And… scene.

What do you hate this week?

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