You'll do.
This was too important to leave down in the comments.
Commented by anonymous “Lonely” here on LL&PoyB:
The whole debate over pros and cons of long-distance relationships assumes that you have the ability to choose one over the other. That one day you wake up and decide, “I want to date someone” and then only need to decide where that person lives.
Not all of us are so lucky.
Dating certainly does not equate to waking up and choosing, “I’d like to date someone today” (and with that, men don’t wear IDs around their necks to reflect their home state). But you get nowhere fast by deciding to do nothing. Or worse — leaving it up to chance.
I don’t believe that dating is all about serendipity. There is more at stake here than relying on luck or fate or your Grandmother setting you up with the guy that mows the lawn (And you should see the way he mows the lawn!). Maybe at some point in life, the universe is align, you won the Pick 3 and you get all of the above in your favor, but dating — albeit fun — is work.
Some of us are so lonely and feel so hopeless in life that any relationship, long distance or not, would be one of the best things for us emotionally. Some of us have gone YEARS, not months, without a nice kiss or more. And no, its not just about getting laid; its about the fact that we aren’t meant to be alone in the world, and no matter how badly we want to date, no one will give us the chance.
I must stop you. There is no reason that ANYONE should have to go YEARS without so much as human touch. There is a difference to “being alone in the world” than just being alone (ie: single).
Come along, and join me on an entertaining “relationships-being-like-work” analogy. Think about being hired for a new job. I’m 99.73% positive your current occupation did not fall into your lap. You made a decision that you needed a new job. You created a resume. You posted that resume online or sent it to prospective employers. Maybe you sat back for a second — wishing, wondering, DOUBTING YOURSELF, but then you received a phone call or an e-mail. Then you interview for that job — sometimes more than one interview (or in my favorite scenario, the group interview). Finale: you either get the job or you don’t. They might not call to tell you “no, thank you.” They may not return your e-mails. You might even nervously bump into that hiring manager at a networking event at the Hyatt when you drink too many apple-tinis. Lonely, what are you doing to get that job?
Point being, there is a corner office with a view of Lake Erie out there for everyone, but you have to do something to get it. Go somewhere new, do something different, get out of the rut, find your own interests and change your life… fucking move, for all I care. Remember sage advice as “life is what happens when you’re making other plans.” So… go make some plans already. It’s not about luck or chance or fate — it’s called “putting yourself out there” and more importantly, making an effort.
With the people that purportedly “won’t give you a chance,” perhaps that backlash needs to be turned internally by lowering your standards, taking a chance on someone not YOUR type. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have standards, but LOWER THEM without compromising what is important. That means stop looking for Mr./Mrs. Right, Prince Charming, Princess Lea in the gold bikini, the White Knight, Angelina Jolie — whatever fucking fairy tale that is replaying in your head. Mighty Mouse? Yeah, him too. Have fun conversing with new and different personalities. Who I consider to be good looking may be someone’s troll. I see friends drooling over men with 12-pack abs, and it makes me cringe (ew. gross). Some have t/d/h, others s&s. I have HG… just saying.
In this day-and-age, modern technology has made it easy for single persons to meet anyone. Why else would there be Jew Date or BDSM Chain Palace or Special Arrangements or… puke — eHarmony. Online matchmaking is not my bag, but I have seen and heard successes through friends and neighbors. Everyday strangers meet people in coffeeshops and I-77 and WAL-MART by means of a Missed Connection (h/t Rob!). You read my blog… so, START YOUR OWN. Get your negative thoughts out of your head. Every time you feel self-esteem-harming thoughts, start writing — and stop complaining.
Walking around with a negative attitude about dating and relationships will only continue to result in negative experiences. You will not find someone if you do not enjoy your life. Bitching about “not meeting anyone,” is just that — bitching about it. It is not being proactive about the situation. Even meeting potential bitches.
The debate over long distance relationships is like a luxury to us. Don’t take it for granted, or you might never know what its like to be truly lonely.
First off, I don’t take anything or anyone in my life for granted — I have in my past, and for that I learned a harsh lesson. I am over-joyed at meeting new people, and elated when connections happen. A person can only perpetuate his own never-ending cycle of loneliness. This. being a self-fulfilled prophecy, and the cause AND effect of giving up. Each person’s range of emotion is directly associated to his or her own life experience. I can talk about experiencing “true loneliness” — or naively mention something as “the worst thing to ever have happened” — but that’s only a personal reflection on my own good and bad trips and leaps. It’s not fair to anyone to assume what you feel is the worst. And yes, in my experience, I have felt what I consider to be TRULY LONELY. And guess what? It didn’t change until I started to make an effort to do so.
This post became too depressive. Let’s get back to the important stuff, like : laughter, common decency… err, interests, chivalry, conversation, board games and pizza toppings. And yes, peanut butter.
Put yourself out there. Choose your attitude (and for your sake, I hope it’s positive). Be like the fish.
Readers: advice to Lonely? Am I wrong in thinking that we create our own happiness — or unhappiness, for that matter?
-photo courtesy of The Joke’s On You.
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December 5th, 2008 at 7:57 am
ok. so i didn’t leave that comment, but in reading this post you could have seriously been writing this just for me.
i needed a pep talk.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Most people go for the baseball analogies. Mel talks about group interviews. Heh.
Shoot, this post got me all fired up and ready to grab the dating world by the balls. Then I remembered I have a boyfriend whom I’ve been with for five years BECAUSE of all the incredibly hard work we put into it. It was long distance for so long and then I made an effort to get myself in the same city. And I’ve never regretted that once.
So yeah, I’d say you’re on target. Go out there and get ‘em, Lonely!
December 5th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Oh, and this:
http://www.amazon.com/You-Lost-Him-Hello-Saleswomans/dp/0757307132
December 5th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Great Post!! I agree with your opinion on how to deal with being lonely. Life is what u make it, and all that crap:)
…now back to peanut butter.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I can’t believe it - I am also using the dating/relationships-work analogy in my book.
I think the lonely commenter needs a little professional help in the self-esteem department to start.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Great post. While I am not going to go all hook line and sinker for The Secret, it is based on some good lessons. Even if you are positive all the time and think about doing something, you aren’t necessarily going to get all of life’s riches. At the same time, a lot of what you say is true about things being self-fulfilling prophecies.
You can’t guarantee a positive attitude will get you dates and a significant other, but a bad attitude is more guaranteed to keep you out of the game entirely. Might as well play percentages, put yourself out there and be positive.
Dr. Phil ain’t got nothing on me, except that killer stache.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Mel, although I appreciate your taking the time to respond to my concerns, your assumption that someone who struggles with dating isn’t trying hard enough is simply false. How would you feel if after weekend after weekend at the bar you failed to meet anyone? How would you feel if you sent out dozens of emails to women on online dating websites without a single response? You ladies may be able to sign up for online dating and get 50 emails a day, but it isn’t as easy for us guys. Even following every suggestion on every blog about online dating is fruitless. How would you feel if you ask your friends if they know of any single friends or co-workers, and their response is: “no I don’t, and you need to stop trying so hard to meet someone; the best relationships just happen”? Forget about not putting the work in, apparently you can fail at dating because you try too hard! Would you feel frustrated? Angry? Discouraged? Depressed? Or would you be able to go on with life with a completely happy-go-lucky smile on your face day after day?
I agree with you that no one should have to go as long as I without the feeling of another human’s touch; but each day that goes by makes that cold streak that much longer. It’s easy to dish out advice about “pulling yourself out of a rut” or just “being happy” – if life were that easy, would anyone ever have any problems? All we would have to do is will ourselves to “be happy” and bang – problem solved.
Please stop assuming that people who struggle with these things in life aren’t doing enough for themselves. The reason we turn to “bitching” on blogs like yours is because we have run out of legitimate people and places to turn for help. With society so judgmental and stigmatizing when it comes to these questions. Where else do we have to go? “Professional help” is the answer that people always blurt out when they don’t want to deal with the fact that a friend is struggling. As someone who has been through it all, let me tell you to please stop pushing us off on shrinks who take our money and offer us little. It’s simple: a person who is lonely wants help meeting someone, not reccomendations for a good talk therapist; thats it.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Wow, that really hit home!!! Being in a 2.5 year long distance relationship that hasn’t worked out, but I wouldn’t change a thing. You are right. Your life is what you make of it and if you don’t CHOOSE to get out there, nothing will ever change.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Lonely - in my experience, it’s true - you really can’t look for it. The best stuff finds you.
That’s how my last relationship happened - it happened out of the blue when I was least expecting it. And for 10 years, things were good.
I’ve been “single” for about two years now, and as a guy I know what you’re talking about, but I choose (most of the time) not to dwell on it. Instead, I’m enjoying life, excited with the possibilities of anyone that might come along to accessorize my current life….but I’m secure with where I am.
Good luck to ya….
December 5th, 2008 at 11:08 am
What a great post, I have cut and pasted it to my PC for inspiration. I also agree with lonely on some points and have experienced similar times. Sometimes you want to play the game and no one is interested. Sometimes you have to make your own life in a solitary way. I have taken up photography and biking and other pursuits that do not involve companionship and have eaten many meals at the bar because I did not want to get a table by myself. Thanks again for the post Mel, it is both bittersweet and inpirational at the same time.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Wow! I have a million things running through my head. First, great
blog, Mel!! I am a long time reader who has lurked in the woodwork
’til now. Apparently, your post and Lonely’s response were
enough to finally draw me out
Second, Lonely, from the tone of your response, I get the feeling
that your lack of a significant other is something that constantly
weighs on your mind. You probably don’t want to hear this, but
you’ve got to stop that thought cycle. There’s a difference
between thinking it would be nice to be in a relationship and
obsessively trying to make that happen. For one thing, women
(and probably men, too) can smell that a mile away and it’s
a huge red flag. For another thing, it paralyzes you and keeps
you from really living your life!
Look, it has been quite a while since I’ve had a date, and
even longer since I’ve been in a relationship. But that does
not keep me from appreciating and experiencing all the great
things that life has to offer.
I have a wide variety of interests
and I decided a long time ago that lack of a companion to
accompany me was not going to keep me from doing the
things I enjoy. You may be horrified to read this, but If there’s
something going on that I’m interested in and I can’t rally friends
to go with me, I’ll actually go by myself! And I usually have
a great time!!
Case in point: a band that I’d wanted to see for a while was
coming to town, and friends that I invited either weren’t available
or weren’t interested. So I went by myself. I ended up meeting
and talking with a couple of guys who’d driven in from Buffalo
for this particular show. They were smart, fun, funny, and
we had a blast. Did I fall in love with, or start dating one of them?
No! Hell, I couldn’t even tell you their names.
But I ranked the evening as a great success. Why? First,
because I got to hear some wonderful music. Second, because
I made a great connection with a couple of strangers. It doesn’t matter
that it was only a two hour connection, and I wouldn’t know them if
I saw them again (nor they me, I’m sure). It was still a very
genuine human connection. And it was fun. Way better than
sitting home feeling sad about being single or trying to force
some connection with a stranger in a bar.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some paragon of singleness. (Does
I’d love to meet a nice guy and be
that even make sense?
in a relationship. But you can’t make that the focus of your
life. Get out there. Live and enjoy. Do things that make you
happy, healthy, and whole. If you’re not those things you’re not any
good for anyone else anyway.
Sorry for rambling and taking up so much space on your page, Mel!!
Back to the woodwork…….
December 5th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I agree with the notion that you have to create your own happiness / relationship. The point that I think has yet to be mentioned thought is that when you do create your own happiness, you are comfortable being single. You don’t care that you don’t have a significant other; you’re perfectly happy being by yourself, with you friends (involved or single), and you don’t have screen names like “lonely” because you value yourself too much to ever be lonely in the first place. And “lonely” is different than “wanting a girlfriend” or “missing having a significant other”.
Once you start being comfortable being by yourself, suddenly you will find yourself engaged in all sorts of relationships…at least that’s what I think…
December 5th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
good points, Teets…
December 5th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I’m with Matt and Teets. Single for about 2 years, and loving my life. I’ve focused on finding ways to enjoy life just the way it is…discovering new books, weekend trips just to walk a trail or take a picture, tons of new music. I love eating at the bar and watching the game…somebody to cook for me and a cute bartender as a bonus! I always say hello to those around me, and have made some new friends (tonight I’m going to hear one play in a new band at a new place…fun!) I’ve made it a mission to fall in love again…with myself and this city of Cleveland. I spend lots of time exploring. Interestingly, as I’ve gone through this journey, women have started appearing in my life again. However, none of them, so far, have piqued my interest enough to make me want to change how things are now … I’m in love with my life as it is. If that girl comes along someday, then she’ll probably be out of this world…
My personal experiences have told me that women like two things, mostly: Confidence and humor. I think one begets the other. I’m only funny when I’m feeling confident. If I’m not confident, I try to figure out why and address it. Lots of attractive women here…ladies, am I in the ballpark?
Lonely, it looks like you are taking actions to attract women, but it isn’t working. Honestly, ask yourself why they aren’t responding. If you are getting zero response, then the issue has to be in the mirror. Writing style, money, appearance, word choice, spelling, personal style…something is keeping them away. Take a break from the pursuit and figure out what it is. I’m very empathetic to your situation- my intent is not to be critical or harsh. Any intelligent adult knows this already; deep personal exploration is difficult at best. But why do people climb Mt. Everest? It isn’t fun getting there…but the view from the top is unparalleled.
December 7th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Hey Mel,
We’ve tagged you in a blog game. We enjoy your blog, and thanks for the comment on ours. We’d definitely be interested in any additions you come up with to the food / music list.
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.
Thanks!
-Ben and Sarah
December 7th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
I just read “Lonely”’s response, and I definitely believe that a professional intervention is needed for this gentleman. I also agree wholeheartedly with Mitch - something is putting women off. The reason people turn to professionals is that it can be incredibly difficult to receive an honest answer from one’s friends - who are sensitive to your feelings and may not want to hurt you by telling you the truth. It is a professional’s job to get to the root of the problem and help you work on it. They are an uninvolved third party. I wouldn’t dismiss friends who have given you advice to seek help. Clearly, they know you better than we do, and perhaps that is the best assistance they can give you.
December 8th, 2008 at 11:24 am
I think Lonely wanted to make some points about how he thinks Mel is not lonely or has it easier than guys because she is a hot chick.
Hot chicks certainly have an easier time on the quantity side of the dating equation as they are “likely” to be hit on more than other women and much more than most guys. I am sure Mel can attest to the fact that just because there is quantity, the quality side of the equation is far more important.
Lonely wants to be a hot chick for a day. He wants to be adored by the masses and longed for by that special someone. Clearly this is not unique in anyway… but it is achievable.
Look at why Lonely reads Mel’s blog — well I will look at why I read Mel’s blog — she is a super hot chick. Yeah she is thin and has a great body and has gorgeous facial features… but that is not why I read her blog. I started reading her blog to learn about her (stalk) and figured I could learn about hot chicks by reading what this particular articulate one writes. This objective was barely reached, as I found her writing style and topics as entertaining as the idea of dating her (or a similar hot chick). Needless to say, Mel isn’t like any other hot chick…
That said, I realized long ago that I like Mel not for being a hot chick, but rather for being an outspoken, witty and enjoyable diversion from my life. Lonely can become the same and get what he wants by looking inward. Its easy to say “become interesting” and hard to accomplish, but trust me, if you have a good elevator pitch and substance to the story, the chicks will dig you. So figure out what you like, no, what you love and dedicate yourself to it and you will find you have something interesting to talk about and it will be like having a ‘good game’ without even trying. The first thing you have to do though is get a whole bunch of self confidence.
Good luck Lonely and thank Mel for all the support you are getting at no cost.
And Mel, you always had super self confidence and I always cringe when I read that there is a guy that is “too hot for you” — that, my dear, is a creature that does not exist. Mel will always be the hotter one in any relationship she has.
December 8th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Mel, I had to show this blog post to a friend of mine. We’ve been talking about how this frusterates us constantly when we hear others say and complain but little to no action - and not just with dating. After she read it she said, “I want to buy that girl a beer!”. I concur. We both live nearby in Tremont and would love to meet up with you one day. We have a fun group of guys we always hang out with but not that many girls and you seem more down to earth than so many women that we meet. Email me if you’ll be in Tremont anytime soon. We are doing an Ugly holiday sweater bar hop this Saturday if you’re interested!
December 10th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Thanks to everyone commenting on this post! You’re awesome — and maybe Lonely feels a little less so? And Lonely, you’re entitled to not having professional help; I just think you need a little switch in your thought process. And some positivity!
MG - I totally need to write a book. Harumph.
McGee - WELCOME! And thanks for un-lurking.
Ben & Sarah - I’ll try to get some time next week to respond to your blog tag! Honest!
Annie - I love ugly sweater parties! I have plans for the weekend, but I’ll definitely e-mail you.
August 24th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Men have always been known for their chivalry. If they are treated well by women, they get treated better in return. If women want to be taken good care of by their men, they need to respect and treat their men with dignity.