Life, Liberty & Pursuit Of Your Boyfriend

Today’s guest post is beyond awesome. I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself. I’ve never done a TMI Thursday post — mostly because I don’t regularly speak about my own sex life. Perhaps I should start, save only for hilarious stories as posted below. Anywho, TMI Thursdays are a day we share a bit too much information — kinda like what I do with Penis Tuesday, but horrifyingly familiar. From The Cheap Seats takes over from here.

TMI Thursdays were started by another blogger whom I love: Livit, Luvit. At least, I think so…

Let’s give a golf clap welcome to Jim, everyone….

—————————————————————————————-

I had just finished knocking out the final production notes on my play with a big time theatre when I got the call. It was of course from Mel.

Is Mel okay? I don’t know the etiquette of these things. This is especially true since I tend to be very weird when it comes to people and my name. I’ll just go with it I did win a green penis from here and now I’m guest posting so it should be okay.

Sorry where was I? Oh yeah the call. It was weird at first because you know how did she get my phone number? I rolled with it though because I like when girls call me.

Does my wife know I’m posting here? I love you honey.

Anydizzle the call I received right. There was this really weird red glow in my apartment when I got it but you know that didn’t bother me. I quickly said yes to the guest post but apparently she wanted to interview me first. Which is weird right? I thought so but I went with it. There were the traditional “what would you post about” and the not so traditional “what are you wearing?” My answers: A blow job TMI and my work uniform with a top hat. Wait what? That’s weird. I rolled with it. What did one die say to the other die? That’s how I roll.

Damn did I really just say that joke? Shit did I type that joke and put it in the post? Is this thing on? Anyone still reading?

Anybodiddly long story short I wrote the post and sent it in. Then the FBI got involved (WHAT?) Yeah somehow the feds saw something in my post and were after me. I ruined Life Liberty and the Pursuit of your boyfriend. I was on the lam. When they caught me they cops were very furry. I think they may have been orangutans. That is when I woke and barley had time to write the dream down before slipping into some other one.

That’s right folks I just <s> wasted your time</s> dream sequenced you. It is sort of like rick rolling only not as cool or fun. What was the point? Oh that I had a weird dream about guest posting here and then was asked to. My wife said I was creepy but she’s been using creepy for everything lately. You can blame the dream sequence nonsense on me watching so much Northern Exposure recently. All dream sequences aside I’m quite honored to be doing this. I’ve always thought it’d be cool to do a Penis Tuesday!

What’s that? I’m not doing a Penis Tuesday?

Okay then. TMI post it is. So I was asked (and quickly said hell yeah) to do a TMI post now I just needed a topic. There were a number of ones I had cooking in my mind kettle but how to choose which. I went (shockingly) with a blow job one. Why? A few reasons: Penis Tuesday is a staple here, I won a green crocheted penis from here, work with dicks. Oh and finally Tony Parker looks like a penis. In all honesty it really could just boil down to the wife told me to. She thinks letting me makes her some sort of hero. It according to her takes a lot of courage to let a lot of people know that a wife gives her husband Blow Jobs.

Her: Hey I’m letting you tell people I give you blow jobs.

ME: You’re my wife they assume you do.

Her: I don’t care I don’t want them to know I do!

Me: They probably already thought you did.

Her: At least they’ll know I don’t swallow.

Okay I do apologize for that long rambling whatever it was, but I needed you to truly get the feel of what it’s like to be lost and searching for a point on my blog. That’s over so let’s just dive in shall we:

It was about ten years ago. I still lived in Florida and my beloved well she was lived in Cleveland. She had just graduated from Cleveland Heights High (go High Tigers hahahah get high? Ahem anyway) and applied to The University of Miami (FL). She flew down to audition for them. I won’t go into details of the relationship but it’ll suffice to say I was very happy to be seeing her. On this trip she stayed at my lovely sister Lisa’s house. She slept on the couch in the living room which was big and pretty comfy. Where did I sleep? I slept on the couch to which made it slightly less comfortable but a whole lot more fun. Then it’s always fun until someone loses an eye. So we’re on the couch it is late at night and all are asleep. One thing leads to another (and really when I’m involved who could be helped?) and in the darkness of the living room I felt her hand slide down to Mr. now wide awake. This action of course makes me Mr. Happy.

I’ll interject here that I’m a bit of a weird sleeper. I’m usually very hot and either sleep in the nude (not happening at my sis’s) or in boxers with no shirt. I usually take said shirt and cover my eyes with it as I sleep because I need darkness. Hey I’m weird I know!

So I’m mostly naked at the point where she starts rummaging in my tool shed while we make out. Soon she begins her descent and (I’ll keep the details to a minimum because she’s already horrified) eagerly took it into her mouth. I was a little freaked about this happening in the living room of my sister’s house but with every bob I stopped caring. At the casa de Lisa the kitchen is only accessible through the living room but the bathroom is still in the hallway. So with one hand on the soon to be wife’s head and my mind barely still listening for noises from the hallway I enjoyed a pretty long BJ. There was one tense moment when my sister went to the bathroom but I did not stop the wife just yet. After all we were quiet and protected by the dark and covers. If she decided to go to the kitchen I could probably stop it in time to hide the fact it was happening. So she keeps going faster and I’m getting closer and closer. Unfortunately she can sense this and slows to a stop and continues with her hand. Now the details are foggy on some of the aspect of what was going to happen when I came. We’ll go with the standard there is usually a handy towel nearby, but this time no towel. So when I knew I was at the breaking point I know I need a landing zone for what is about to come out. She’s clothed so the boobies are a no, and anywhere else (and only there with explicit permission) would get me killed. I grabbed at my shirt but it’s too late and a large stream of cum shoots into the air and into my eye. Now as I cover my traitorous penis with my shirt my eye begins to burn like it was a disco inferno. I may or may have not flailed like a looney at this point. I do know that I almost fell off the couch. It was stinging like all get out and I ran to the bathroom. There I tried to drown my eye. I wondered if somehow my penis was radioactive or like one of those snakes that spits poison. I eyed it cautiously with my one good eye. After minutes of silent cursing and lots of water it eventually stung only slightly. My wife had a good laugh and still does. I suppose it is funny.

To make matters worse remember how I sleep? Yeah as I lay down I take my shirt and drape it over my eyes, it wasn’t until the damp spot from my good time came to rest on my eyes did I remember what the shirt had just been used for. Yuck.

What is the moral of the story? No premarital sex of any kind. Yeah right. The real moral is you should swallow my wonderful lady friends or at least let your boobies be readily available. I don’t say this for our pleasure but for the safety reasons. Tragedies like mine (and the many women it’s happened to too) can be avoided. What if a child had been for some inexplicable way walking by at just that particular moment and was blinded for life?

My wife said I couldn’t possibly keep the swallowing message as the moral of the story in this post. The whole child thing too, but I did anyway. She also said “what the hell is wrong with you?” More than once that was said actually.

I blame Mel.

I also thank her.

Related posts:

1. Friends, I will remember you… (Guest Post) With great sadness, I introduce soon-to-be-former Clevelander, Cleveland Caper. *sigh*...
2. PT: Burger King Today’s guest post submission for Penis Tuesday comes from… Mr....
3. I dream about cookies. Crumbly bits. Eternally* I will wonder if there were truly cookie crumbs...
4. CLEVELAND, LAS VEGAS One friend leaves, and another comes back! Dott-O is back...
5. Sexy? Single? Read this post! While it’s been what feels like a decade since I...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.