Performancing Metrics

banner
logo

Do you wear pink underwear?

logo

“This is the place you go to if you’re wearing pink underwear.”

I was wondering if I had too much to drink, hearing that direct quote from our party (ahem, boyfriend). But we all played along with the I Wonder What Kind of Underwear She Has On game. And could pinpoint the women in the room who were wearing the pink underwear.
BOY, WERE WE HAVING A NIGHT!

Back to that aforementioned champagne lounge.

Looking around, we realized that this bar had all the makings of a pick-up place. And a date place. We looked around and evaluated everyone from the cocktail waitress to those old Mean Girls (who I wrote about here) to the awkward, mismatched couple evidently on their first date (dessert date!) and the sweet glamourous older couple (man, this woman was wearing a FABULOUS emerald green skirt suit. FAB!). This could only lead to a tipsier male-female discussion, of course: What Kind of Woman Are You Based on Your Undergarments.

The boyfriend seemed to have to many opinions on the “type” of women who wear pink under-things. Certain people were boring or predictable. Others were trying too hard (hello, waitress whose underwear I could see through your pants!). But mostly, these women were nearly ALL pink underwear-wearers. And no, I was NOT going to participate in what kind of panties Green Classy Lady was wearing. Ladies, did you know that not only are you labeled a certain type of female, but there is an underwear style attached to it? BECAUSE THIS IS A THING!

And then there are those who wear none. I can’t even.

For the record, I am not one of these pink ladies. Sure, I own a matching hot pink set, but I am not that type. I know what you meant, boyfriend! I am quite proud of my low-rise bikini briefs. For my size, my ass is curvy, and I can’t pull off boy shorts anymore (which were my previous faves) and g-strings can suck my crotch because that’s about all they do for me. Those things are NOT comfortable. I don’t care what lengths you will go to discuss that benefit with me.

So what does that type say about me?

Stop judging me before I kick you in your balls, that’s what.
AND, I LIKE COMFORT, DAMMIT!

So… what type of underwear are you?

Share

How do YOU plan on getting attention this summer? Don’t say sex.

logo
How do YOU plan on getting attention this summer? Don’t say sex.

Dating. I’ve heard my fair share of advice. I’ve also given tons of it in return (hey, what are dating & relationship blogs for?!). I’ve rarely listened, of course — to my own, even.

But I realize that not everyone is as confident as “breaking the rules” of dating as I may be — who makes the stupid rules, really — that, and the course of dating can often change even when you’re IN a relationship. Dating doesn’t stop when you’re in a lifetime partnership. And frankly, I think remembering the reasons why we DID get the attention of our significant others is important — BECAUSE YOU MUST STAND OUT! Be memorable or be forgettable. You must keep things open, interesting, challenging, spontaneous in order to keep attention on you. Sure, the thought may be exhausting. But don’t you think that a partnership built on love is worth it?

(Note to boyfriend: just because we’re together and you have “yard work” now, does not mean you should embrace dirty fingernails. Allow me to give you the number of my manicurist.)

So, how do you intend to stand out from every other girl and get him to notice you this Summer? Clean fingernails, for one.

But Rori Rayes, trained and recognized relationship coach, has some of her own advice:

Some of Rori’s Relationship Tips:

  • Be strong on the inside; soft on the outside: confidence with who you are meets “melty marshmallow.” Translated: don’t be afraid to let someone love you. Don’t let your fears cripple you. Don’t shut down your hearts. And don’t be angry. Mmmm… marshmallows.
  • Fall in love with YOURSELF, first. Love yourself through your mistakes. Or or despite them.
  • Don’t attempt to figure out what’s going on in a relationship after one date. No. You will wait 8 months to finally give him your number to see if he’s still interested. I kid, I kid…
  • And stop trying to analyze what a man is saying. This will never change no matter your relationship status; learn this lesson now.

She adds, her “wrong roads to love” as being: 1) physical: don’t get caught up in the “who’s the most provocative or sexy?” competition that women play with one another for company; 2) mental: the core values of honesty and caring — and that you want a relationship — are important, but likes/dislikes are not; 3) spiritual: be nice, and be kind, but stop making excuses for him. Take-away: being a “reasonable” woman is not the way to go.

The emotional road is the only right path to get a man’s attention. The key is to tap into your emotions and share them. Connect with him emotionally & be ok with him opening up with you. Don’t shit bricks if you see him emotional.

I think this is as good advice as any to follow — loving yourself, being the most important thing to remember. And stop the competition already! Ew. Not sexy. How do you feel about Rori’s ways to get his attention: honest, good advice?

Rori teaches specific things you can do to raise your self-esteem that will make you irresistible to a man. To learn more subscribe to her free relationship advice e-newsletter. You’ll learn a whole new way of relating to men that will make you feel better about yourself while you find the relationship of your dreams.

{disclaimer: this review has been sponsored and compensated as part of the Single Edition network}

Share

{sunday funny} don’t let those puppies get soft!

logo
{sunday funny} don’t let those puppies get soft!

{from Geeks are Sexy}

Share

{shout out} Single Edition Media: single-something blogger seeking ad network

logo
{shout out} Single Edition Media: single-something blogger seeking ad network

My blog started as a “single-something” platform to write about my dating life… and its subsequent disasters. In an online world, where seemingly ALL my history (and its humors) has been captured for ALL TIME, I’ve treaded the line of TMI and called a lot of assholes out for being, well, assholes. Now, I can call my partner out for being one. LOVE YOU!

I’ve been blogging since 2002, with this site coming around to what it is/was around 2003. I suppose that more recently I fall somewhere between relationship blogger and lifestyle blogger (and oftentimes, bitchy complainer), but I mostly identify with the niche of single blogging. Or I could have become a cat blogger.

Be that as it may, a few years ago I found Single Edition Media — a network that was committed to single, dating and relationship bloggers like me. And just as this blog has grown with me and my various relationships, the network has grown with me. I quickly realized how unique Single Edition was, especially so when researching the different ad networks out there. While I never intended to quit my day job and make a yearly salary solely off this platform, it is nice to make back some of what I put into it (my time, notwithstanding).

Surprisingly, advertisers and brands are only JUST NOW starting to realize the impact that single bloggers have when it comes to buying power — single female marketing is especially huge. Singles spend $2.2 TRILLION annually, are more inclined to spend money on themselves, AND purchase more “big ticket” items or luxury items for wardrobe, home and leisure — 62% of us travel annually too.

Joining Single Edition blog network is FREE, and is the FIRST network targeted to the single lifestyle. There is growing potential for brand awareness and sponsorships via your blog, and you might even make a little money in the process. It’s a place where single-somethings, dating coaches, entrepreneurs and like-minded individuals seek out similar personalities for a sense of community, networking and connections, educational and learning opportunities, and fun events. And hey, I’m part of it! If you’re a sex, love or dating blogger (or even a cooks-for-one writer or life coach targeting suddenly singles or brand wanting to connect with all of them), check out SingleEdition.com.

And now here’s a video:

Disclosure: I am a blogger, member and affiliate of and for the Single Edition Media network and receive compensation for my participation. Read my disclosure policy for more information.

Share

{pursuit of greener pastures} What color is your grass?

logo

I am beyond geeked that my blogging trail has crossed with medical journalist, Emily Murray. Emily is a contributing writer for KwikMed, which is an online health care site that was recently appointed as the exclusive distributor of the new morning after pill (Ella) by Watson Pharmaceuticals. I’ve long been (and forever will be) a supporter of comprehensive sexual education, especially when it comes to the reproductive rights of women. Likewise, we’ve all heard the stories of not having access to particular prescriptions, as well of an overwhelming embarrassment for most women in obtaining such a product in person (Ella can be ordered online through KwikMed).

But, back to the fun (and your one day of man hatin’)… Emily has written the following guest post for my readers: A Woman’s Perspective on Why Men Always Think the Grass is Greener Elsewhere

Whomever came up with the saying, “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” gave men an excuse. Something they can spout out at the most inopportune times in a relationship, for no reason whatsoever, save only for when commitment becomes an inconvenience. Now, this is not to say that women don’t ever get a case of wanderlust, but without a doubt men hold the record when it comes to throwing this little cliché into break-up speeches.

So where does this come from?
Think of it this way: we buy something new to wear out, see a fabulous new pair of shoes on someone else, and then we’re left feeling as though we could have something better. While relationships shouldn’t be held to the same standards as a shopping habit, both situations are similar: we want more. The bigger/better/shinier model of… anything.

Part of this phenomenon is human nature, but while some of us soon realize that the “grass being greener” is simply an illusion, we fall for its tricks. Yet, others seem to take far longer to reach this conclusion. For men, perhaps it is a spillover from the simple days of finding a suitable mate. Even in the animal kingdom, the qualities that attract a male to a female — and vice versa — are purely meant for survival of the species. If another mate comes along who is more appealing, the pursuit of procreation seems to override loyalty. While we have an overload of technology to show for our evolution from those early days, our internal wiring is not so quick to evolve. And the majority of those in the animal world are NOT monogamous. Yet, humans are expected to break this mold.

So, if your boyfriend or girlfriend gave into this impulse, do you allow them the mistake? If your significant other (or former) realized they were wrong, do you allow them back into your life?

Why this can be a problem
Ensuring you always have the best job, the largest circle of friends, the fastest car and likewise emotional triggers seemingly puts you on a positive life course. But there certainly needs to be a line drawn somewhere. Do you draw that invisible line at relationships? Or the car? While Disney movies and fairy tales paint quite a picture of beautiful princesses being “rescued” by a handsome prince (and I’m sure there’s likely some “riding off into the sunset”), those of us who have lived-and-learned realize that this is not reality… and those who haven’t, are still in search of the greenest grass out there.

If this all sounds depressing, it’s really not. There is this little thing called “settling,” but finally accepting that the grass will always look greener – no matter what – might be just cause to give up the eternal bachelor battle. Most of us have a tendency to ponder what else is out there — and are faced with that internal monologue: “is this the right situation for me?” For some, it takes a while of bouncing back and forth from relationship to bachelor/bachelorette hood to find eventually that they are chasing an incomprehensible dream. Some still may equate settling down to be like “settling” for less than perfection; still, others come to the realization that the dream they are chasing is farfetched, and what is truly needed is right in front of them.

No matter what end of the “grass is always greener” scenario you have been (the dumpee or the dumper), it’s an age-old battle that is really no fun to decipher. Especially with a younger bolder generation, more so inclined to wait to settle down or internally wired for instant gratification. It’s seemingly worse for those who expect a certain unattainable ideal. The traditional roles of men and women in our society have changed drastically since our grandparents’ days of early courtship, and many 20- and 30-somethings are left in uncomfortable limbo.

If this all sounds familiar — and you or your partner are experiencing the pangs of the am-I-missing-something-better syndrome — as much as it hurts, sometimes the green-grass-seeker needs to discover again his mistake by taking advantage of certain “freedoms.” Some learn the error of their ways. If not, then it’s time to move on and explore the “greener grass” yourself!

While it would be so much easier to take a dating equivalent of the morning after pill to erase the damage of a horrible breakup, the old adage that time heals all stands as true as that grassy knoll. While this is obviously frustrating, remember as evolved as we may seem, our animal instincts for survival, procreation… and, ahem, “greener pastures” are deeply rooted.

Share

Oh, the dreamy places you’ll go!

logo
Oh, the dreamy places you’ll go!

five

FIVE!


I had a dream last night where someone asked me how many people I’ve been in love with. In my dream, I answered, “Five.”

I really hate dreams about ex-boyfriends.

While seemingly a fair number (I remember even in my subconscious state having to think about it), there are obvious “mutations” of what constitutes “love” depending on a variety of factors. Even if the words were never said to one another. For instance, what I considered to be “in love” ten years ago is quite different as I see it today. Also, I completely and whole-heartedly agree that you can love more than one person at the same time. What can I say; my heart is just that big. And so is my penis. Seriously, wanna see it?

If that number were true, however, my “five” would be (in no particular order, but giving my CURRENT boyfriend the number #1 position only seems… properly credited):

1. AB
2. HSS
3. The Fiance
4. SSD
5. 10SB

My, I’ll be pissed at myself (or sure to hear about it) if there is someone I forgot to be included as part of this list.

AB: Enough said, right? I mean, I only talk about him ALL THE TIME. And how incredible of a person he is — and how incredible of a person he’s made ME. Without a doubt, the truest and most sincere of true loves to be had. I’m very lucky.

HSS: The High School Sweetheart. The “first love.” The volatile, young, passionate, ANGRY, kill-for-him kind of love. We dated (on-and-off) for… about six years. Somewhere in my aging, I actually forgot how long we dated. Since the summer before our senior year in high school (yes, he was my senior prom date), until some time in my early 20s. If you had a high school boyfriend, you KNOW how difficult it is to let this person go — physically and emotionally. The truth is (regardless of the cheating vengeance between the two of us), we grew apart, and it was hard for both of us to admit it. I’m happy to call him my friend today — and see him (finally) in a healthy relationship with someone who seemingly complements him well.

The Fiance: And just as soon as you finally realize you need to let someone go, another comes into the picture to remind you of what love is all about. I admit, it’s still strange to imagine myself with a FIANCE. I moved in with this guy three weeks after meeting him, and I wasn’t more sure of ANYTHING in my life. We endured a long, committed, healthy and open relationship for almost three years. But about a year in, a tragedy occurred that caused an emotional rift — and eventual distance. It was never really the same. The engagement happened long after we fell slowly apart, separated, I moved out, and we once again reconnected. At the time, and almost immediately, engagement seemed to be the right thing to do (and to prove to others that we were SERIOUS this time). As you know, this is NO reason to get engaged, let alone get married. We fell apart again soon after (and I had to move my stuff out AGAIN).

SSD was the acronym for his job (followed by the word “dude”). I never told him that I loved him, although I had a good friend who made SURE he knew after our emotionally-charged, messy, I-want-to-drive-off-a-bridge “break up”… and I think I sent him a letter. Anyways, we had no labels; we never talked about the status of the relationship — we only had fun. We were long distance, so every time we were together, only the best of memories were created. And in the moment, I was all for it. It was… perfect. Especially, in that I could “keep” my own life. That is, until it was over. And then I realized how big a part he was of it. And it was DEVASTATING. Especially considering that I spent probably one year too many in something that was never even defined. The details are still fuzzy to me, but he didn’t think I was serious about him (I probably wasn’t IN THEORY, but in my heart, I was), and those feelings were much of how I felt about HIM. Ain’t that a recipe for dating disaster?

To be honest, I struggled back-and-forth at my inclusion of 10SB. I was in a miserable part of life, and looking to cling to anything (or anyone, rather) who gave me the chance — and the right amount of attention. It was a horrible, horrible relationship, based on the mind of a woman (ahem, me) who just was not in a good or confident place in her life. That’s not to discount “what we had” (even though, in my mind, he’s still a total, irrational… dick), but I certainly learned a lot from that experience. Most of all, about what I want and need in a compatible partnership. That, sadly, was just not it.

How many LOVES would you put on your list?

Photo credit: rustman, courtesy of flickr.

Share

No, it’s not. You’re wrong.

logo

As previously mentioned, the boyfriend and I suffer from a variety of communication issues (as I’m sure MOST couples can relate to).

Because of that, we have the stupidest arguments. Anyways, I was totally PMS-bitchy this week and kitchen-sinked him about his poor cleaning skills and something about fecal matter on the counter. Seriously, he put the LID of the litter box ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER. I flipped. OUT. I probably digged on him for not working out regularly too because that’s what females do — we get it ALL in when we’re pissed.

I shit you not we bickered — on a sub-freezing chilly walk over to the casino — whether a restaurant in Cleveland served family style meals (it doesn’t) and whether it was set up for large parties (it’s not). These sort of “discussions” typically end with AB saying “I’m done.” And then the communication is cut off. BECAUSE HE IS APPARENTLY ALWAYS RIGHT (ahem… not).

Surprisingly, our relationship is super-healthy because he eventually concedes (I know, I am TOTALLY irresistible even when angry), and I just silently clean everything with bleach and Lysol. We rarely raise our voices, so our disagreements can never be referred to as “fighting.” And by “we,” I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that mad, and we’ve already established that I’m a nagging bitch, so that sound is most definitely my shrilly voice.

Also: I go to bed angry. I wake up happy. And return to my semi-loveable self after having twelve cups of coffee.

What was your stupidest fight in your relationship?

Share

Return to Cleveland: for pork pig-out and birthdays

logo
Looking into our old apartment on East 4th. *sigh*

Looking into our old apartment on East 4th. *sigh*

What is wrong with this picture? Downtown Cleveland feels dead to me now. This picture was taken on a beautiful day weather — see? the patios are all set up — on a SATURDAY. Oh, and one of those persons is a bum. With a REALLY long elevator pitch.

I swear, I knew, like, eighteen-millionty people who had birthdays last weekend.

The most important of whom, being AB, of course. This sentence structure bothers me, but I’m moving on…

For his birthday, he received some gifts (not unlike last year’s hopelessly-devoted blog post, but this will be, you know, without all that schmoopy crap I dish out already for breakfast, lunch and dinner):

A toolbox… so I could stop complaining about his tools, nails and likewise manly accessories being scattered in thirteen different locations or stacked above everything I need on the closet shelf. OH, the plastic bags containing sharp objects. Stab!

A double-gauge detection thing for the CO2 on his keg fridge. You know, to detect those times when gas will run out at unfortunate times, like, say… my birthday. On a Saturday, when there are no refill locations open.

And a replacement pair of muk-luks (slippers) because he already lost the ones I purchased for him last Christmas. And I hate when he touches me with cold feet.

Also, it was his luck that his birthday coincided with a six-course pig fest of massive nom proportions at AMP150 to celebrate two OTHER friends of ours.

Oh, I also gave him his first pedicure (like, one you would receive at one of those “Asian” spas — only, it didn’t end with a blow job). Mostly: a) because he never had one; b) mostly-more: because his toe cuticles made me all twitchy; and c) I’m nice sometimes.

A year-and-some-seven-months later, and I still love (and annoy) that Arrogant Bastard to pieces. But he definitely doesn’t tell me enough poop jokes. Muah.

Share

Advice: How to Ruin a Good Relationship.

logo

Ex-boyfriends. New boyfriends. High school boyfriends. Potential girlfriends. Blog stalkers.

What to do with them.

It doesn’t take a relationship manual to tell me that I prefer they stay at least an arm’s length away from those who I previously held in coitus – you know, like a frenemy. Although I do enjoy scouring the internet for interesting sites dedicated to “advice.” Particularly fascinating are those dishing info on the mannerisms of a modern-day casanova or You Can Win Him Back! (exclamation point. question mark. WTF). Winning? Who is really “winning” when s/he dropped you (not like it’s hot) and you need to manipulate the situation as such, so a) you don’t appear to be a crazy bitch and b) you don’t appear to be a crazy bitch. Yes, men can be crazy bizz-snatches too. While I certainly plate up three courses (and dessert!) of Relationship Do Nots!, we all take this free guidance with a dash of salt. Right?

I mean, when do we ever REALLY listen to anyone’s misdirected advice.

When thinking of an ex, is maintaining a mantra of “ex for a reason!” important to engrain into subconscious memory, or is attempting to “get ‘em back” (and by that, of course, there are two ways: winning back his love and affection or vindictively ruin his life and curse the day he was ever born) the de rigueur of Young Ladyhood 101? And is it important to Google topics on relationships and all its failures or success stories to figure it all out? Do men really read this self-help nonsense, or is the writing geared to make women think all men read go-to guides to continue getting laid? Finding love, keeping love, getting love to give more love… head/desk. Oral sex.

Regardless, I have two pennies, and I’m more than happy to give them away. I HATE rolling those things…

Share
logo
Powered by WordPress | Designed by Elegant Themes | © 2003-2012: Life, Liberty & PURSUIT | Don't steal my shit!