*blue balls not included.
Oooh, gifts. The secondary meaning of Christmas. The proof in the pudding of HOW WELL DOES MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER KNOW ME?!
I was happy that I had the opportunity to cuddle some kitties at the Humane Society prior to leaving for Ohio. Although it broke my heart every time I wished a cat a Merry Christmas. I hope they find warm, friendly homes this season. But I digress…
AB & I spent Christmas Eve with his family (cousins for an amazing themed French cuisine dinner), then drove up North to hang out with my dad’s side of the family (until way past our bed time). Christmas Day is always fun (to wake up to Mimosas) and just sit back and relax for the entire afternoon. We always finish off our giant meal of lamb and side of “Christmas rice” with games — this year’s picks: Left-Right-Center and Apples to Apples.
My “big gift” from the boyfriend was a sewing machine (mentioned in passing, which he remembered) that the sender almost ruined, shipping the giant box unwrapped to the house when I was home accepting packages. Thankfully (for AB’s surprise), I was heading out and UPS lifted the (heavy) box into the entryway for me. I barely glanced at it, since it was addressed to the Man of the House instead of me. And I was in a rush (as per usual).
Regardless, YAY SEWING MACHINE! I lost the last one in my divorce*, so I’m psyched to have my own again. I do not intend to have another year of half-assed, hand-sewn side seams to take in scrimmage t-shirts. Also: I’m going to start doing my own tailoring — which I know is quite a skill, but for serious, EVERYTHING I buy off-the-rack needs taken in/up in some way. That shit is expensive, yo. And I’m going to learn. At the very least I’d like to master hem lengths. Or how to put on buttons.
My Dad bought me a Kindle — not the fancy, schmancy colorful lets-fill-it-with-games version (I mean, that’s what my iPhone is for), but the plain ink print screen model (with keyboard), just as I hoped. I intend to cross off Bucket List Item #7 this year: Read 52 books in 52 weeks. Kindle should help me, especially when I’m traveling (also, super awesome that I can “rent” books through Carnegie Libraries!). My iPhone and I need a break. For serious.
The most fun is opening the small-but-sensible stocking items (so useful!). I’m now fully stocked on nail files, Wisps, toothbrushes, toothpaste, almonds, anti-bacterial gel and such until some time next year.
Some more fun stuff:
S’mores Grill Kit. NOM-tastic.
Sweater tights and new pajama pants. Warm & Cozy.
Workout gloves. The better to lift your weight with.
Brie baker with cheese board identifiers. Can’t wait to host you… with CHEESE!
Coasters from Paris that match my dining room artwork. Awesome.
A really cool coffee table book. LOVE.
Charger of barrel-aged 12 Dogs of Christmas. Cheers *clink*
Raspberry-flavored alcoholic whipped cream (a last-minute toss in). All Your Hot Chocolate Belongs to Us.
Personalized derby wear. Hella-fantastic.
Oh, and if you’re wondering what I bought AB for Christmas:
Chalkboard Keg Handle (which currently reads as “Empty 
” as he attempts to install his keg fridge in the kitchen cabinets — THAT’LL BE A POST!)
A ring that doubles as a bottle opener (he saw this on a friend while tailgating for a Pahr game, and wanted it; so, he got one. He got a ring last year too and rarely wore it. I sense a Christmas trend)
Set of copper Moscow Mule mugs
Leather Dop Kit Bag (stupid left his in the cabinet at the old apartment)
…And, I feel like there was something else, but my memories of Christmas already evade me.
Somehow in all my pre-season Grinchy-ness, I managed to enjoy a stress-free, somewhat-relaxing holiday (with a side of stomach uneasiness for a few hours on the holiday).
Next year: all I want to do is wake up in my new home on Christmas morning, snuggling cats** and my boyfriend. Then? I’m all yours.
Did you get anything great this year?
*that’s about the best way to describe this break-up; those who know me know I’ve never been married.
**and then there were THREE?! Heh.
Yep. This card happened.
And I was the judge, so AB was most definitely not winning this round.
I just love playing games on holidays. So. Much. Fun.
I chuckled at this holiday gift guide: Gifts For Someone You’re Planning to Dump (aka: What to Buy Your Soon-to-be-Ex) – {Jezebel}. Passive-aggressive never worked for anyone.
I never intentionally sought out gift ideas for people I didn’t want to be with (I suppose I should have taken my own hint when I didn’t get 10SB something for Valentine’s Day)… and most of my former break-ups took place on/around New Year’s or Fourth of July (for SERIOUS).
Have you ever been in this situation (on either side)? What was the worst “I’m Going to Dump You Soon” gift you received?
The only one that comes to mind is when dating HG Shady McShadester. That asshole took me all the way to Phoenix for my Christmas “gift” to celebrate New Year’s and the Buckeyes Fiesta Bowl. So what: he made me sit in coach, while he stretched out in first class; and let’s not forget that time he was hitting on another girl while his friend occupied me at the other side of the bar; or that time his friend claimed it his attempt at having a three-way; or his general, skeevey-boyfriend tendencies — those are all a WHOLE OTHER ISSUE OF DATING — I got to visit my sister and niece at no dollar sign off my bank account. Although I did slip in the bathtub pretty hard during that trip; that was borderline disastrous.
Gah, just thinking of that loser makes me FULL ON regret not asking for AB’s number eight months prior. I need to take off my Grinch hat, like, now…
End note: if you receive something this Christmas that you’d rather unload than have remind you of his stupid, ill-timed ass, might I suggest Ex-Boyfriend Jewelry?
It was difficult not to buy all the Pittsburgh t-shirts and 83 key necklaces at last weekend’s Handmade Arcade. But we did get these awesome holiday card packs from local artist Noelle Griskey, of Pink Bathtub Designs. Her etsy shop is full of cute letterpress goods — good for you and for gifts.
YES, I’M SENDING OUT HOLIDAY CARDS THIS YEAR. But definitely not before Thanksgiving. Trying SO HARD to get into the spirit… by drinking Snow Melt and Christmas Ale, natch. But a beach vacation might help too.
This post brought to you by my cat.
January. I went on the most amazing vacation ever: The Rock Boat (Number X). This year, partly because of the moving expenses and mostly because of the settling in (and that we feel old and tired), we’ve decided to take the year off.
Soon after returning from said cruise awesome-ness, I lost my job of three years. Talk about cleaning house. It would probably be the best thing to ever happen to me.
And then we prepared the apartment for the addition to our family: Rudy the Cat. Who would essentially take the term “Sidekick” to the most literal level. And make me hate wearing black forever-and-ever.
February. I went red. With bangs. And have pretty much hated that decision ever since. Whomever said a “change can do you good” — was that Sheryl Crow? — yeah, she needs to be kicked in the gonads.
March. AB took a new job with his company, which resulted in him traveling weekly to Pittsburgh.
I visited for our anniversary. That’s ONE YEAR, people. I did a little house cleaning on Facebook and my cell phone, as result. A little demon cleansing as well, if you will.
I strapped on some skates (and a set of balls) and started playing roller derby. Hitting does a body good. And is subsequently amazing for changing my exercise and eating habits.
April. AB & I went to Chicago for Whiskey Fest. Ahh, cleanse the palate.
And I threw out the first pitch at a Lake County Captains game!
May. *sigh* How the hell am I 33 already? Pffft… whatever. I’m in the best shape of my LIFE!
But additionally: WTF, hormones?
June. I went back to Pittsburgh to *gasp* start looking at apartments… To be continued.
But ALSO to break the most awesome of World Records!
July. Finally: BOSTON! Damn, we traveled a lot in 2010! Cleaning house here must equate to doing shit-tons of laundry.
But not before announcing our moving away from Cleveland.
August. OMG! Get me away from this bitch! I spent most of the month lost in a haze of overly-emotionally emotions: anger, sadness, loneliness, apathy, stress… and a whole bunch of physical bruising from my “acceptance” into the Fresh Meat Program with the Burning River Roller Girls. Clearing my brain in the only way I know.
It would also be my last month living in Cleveland. *tear* And I’m taking it out on everything around me. And packing up two locations by yourself is probably the worst idea ever.
September. I decided to quit BRRG, instead of traveling back every week until tryouts. *sobbing tears*
And WE FRICKIN’ MOVED! Pittsburgh celebrated the event with fireworks. True story.
October. I was named “Rookie of the Year” by the blog ‘Burgh Living. Where I will continue as a newbie correspondent to the city (look for a new post next week).
We returned to Cleveland, and it felt… different.
November. Firsts! Lots of them here, of course. (or attempted to). I went to my first rally in downtown Pittsburgh (and oddly, received a condom in a pill pack cover). And like any newbie… I got lost. A lot. And speaking of “cleaning house,” I really need to clean my car so it shines for those upcoming state inspections.
December. Yeah, there was this thing called Pittsburgh Magazine (January issue, but that’s neither here-nor-there) that included MY NAME in a byline. I’m still pretty stoked.
But we also traveled to a foodie and craft beer adventure to Toronto. Love.
We went back to Ohio for five days, of which we spent most in the Akron area — AND I got to see all of my sisters (and two out of three brothers). Our family did a pasta bar slash White Elephant Party that I hope to celebrate similarly for the next decade. So much great (cheesy, saucy) food and fun gifts under one roof (and I stole a much-sought-after Smucker’s Sundae gift set from my mom during my second turn). And more than a couple inappropriate porn references.
Christmas is complete, now that I know what GONZO is.
For all you relationship wonderers (and for those newbie lurking nebbies): NO we did not get engaged this Christmas (like everyone else seems to). That’s not going to happen. For now or ever, so save that to your calendar, roll it up and smoke it already. BUT… I did get a super-sparkly diamond something-something that made me cry, so that’s enough of that mushy mumbling under your breath. He went to Jared? Pfffftttt… he went to Louis Anthony.
As for the rest of my holiday fa-la-la-la-la’s, this one beat out several other favorites on record for giftings:
An iPhone FM transmitter/charger for the car. We downloaded the MapQuest app on our way home too (now with vocal turn-by-turn directions!), which makes driving even easier for me in Pittsburgh and the need for another GPS useless (the last was stolen from my car).
For collective presents, we received a handheld steamer, a set of hampers and laundry accessories and another cupboard full of random kitchen accessories. Including a vegetable scrubber that I thought was an intentionally-guided dish brush. For our outdoor activities and subsequent camping trips: a bike backpack (for me) and a soft beer cooler (for both).
His parents are the best with stocking gifts: Chapsticks, toothbrushes, toothpaste, Wisps… and Cephalon-specific cleaning sponges (since I ruined all his pans). And FINALLY a much-needed replacement MAC make-up brush. I swear, I’ve had this thing as long as my blog.
Also: Gel socks? Never heard of them. But my new favorite way to both pamper and gross myself out.
The boyfriend was extra attentive at purchasing me David Sedaris’ new book
and a pair of Tom’s boots that I was drooling over, upon seeing on the feet of a Melt Bar & Grilled server back in October. Their “One for One” mission is amazing. And so are these vegan crafted olive wrap boots.
He also added in a much-coveted Steel City Derby Demons tee (tryouts in March!!!).
And then I got my ‘Burgh Verified t-shirt from Boring Pittsburgh in the mail. So, I’m all sorts of black-and-yellow permanence now. With pride.
But sincerely and without a doubt, the most awesome of awesome gifts (besides those diamonds, of course) was one that I created myself: my first article published in Pittsburgh Magazine, released just after Christmas. And I can officially mark all my goals for 2010 as completed.
I hate when ideas for gifts hits you well after the buyer has asked.
Together, AB & I had a comprehensive list — mostly stuff for the kitchen — but then I realized this past weekend that our living space could use some new furniture pieces. For instance, a new TV stand, which I gather HE would never go for, but I hate having all glass matched with dark wood accent tables in the living room. Should I have added this to my HATE list from yesterday?
I also think we would have fared well with a furniture store gift card to purchase a new over-stuffed side chair and ottoman to match my sofa. I almost bought it once, but I knew I didn’t have the space for it in my condo. Now, we definitely do. And we DEFINITELY need a comfortable chair (especially when he passes out at 8pm on the couch, rendering my share of it futile).
I have put a stand-still on acquiring any and all glassware, but the gadgets, hoo-diddies and thingamajigs we asked for together will put our kitchen AT CAPACITY upon the new year. I intend for this to make me crazy when my cabinet organization system self destructs.
You know, I have NO CLUE what he’s getting me for the holiday — he’s compiled gift options for me since my birthday, tracking on his iPhone, which I do not look at (*wink* at you Allison). “It” came in an envelope. A FLAT envelope. And I think a book was delivered a day or two after that. Well, I only have, like, a week to wait. I’m intrigued, that’s for sure.
What’s on your Christmas list this year?
Here is Part One and Part Two of my Pittsburgh Adventure, if you missed them.
Pittsburgh on a Sunny Day!
Continuing on my eating adventures of Pittsburgh, I walked (again, the 20 blocks or so) for pancakes at Pamelas in The Strip. This is the cute old-style greasy spoon diner that Obama loved on his visit to The ‘Burgh. What’s good for Mr. President is good for me, right? Unfortunately for my waistline that morning, I also had a craving for eggs. So, I had eggs AND the delicious blueberry crepe-style pancakes for breakfast. And bacon. Sweet Jesus, this was a lot of delicious food — served quick, eaten more so. Piggy love.
After only a few hours, it was time to meet AB for lunch. It was a gorgeous day in Pittsburgh — the sun brought everyone outside to enjoy a bit of sunshine. I selected Las Velas in the Market Square to (potentially) stalk PittGirl of That’s Church — a blog I have been reading almost as long as I have been writing (her husband owns the place), but missed out on her morning appearance. Next time, Jane Pitt.
Regardless, only a few hours after scarfing down all that breakfast, I was able to devour two enchiladas. Service of lunch took longer than expected (with my millionty of visits to Mexican restaurants), but I imagine it was because of my ordering enchiladas for lunch without a margarita to pass the time. I really enjoyed what appeared to be homemade baked chips with an mild, pleasant salsa. I went with my usual red sauce on the enchiladas, but it was also slightly drizzled in some hot peppery green sauce. The small detail gave just the perfect amount of heat to my two cheesy favorites. I was also impressed with the side of BLACK beans with the order (and not the typical refried).
A food coma ensued… tick. tick. tick.
For our anniversary, we cleaned up a bit and went a little more “fancy” for dinner. We cabbed into North Oakland to Toast! (kitchen and wine bar). Don’t let their horrible Web site confuse you — this place was so cute, and was voted as one of Pittsburgh’s Best in 2009 in several categories (Best Upcoming Chef, Top 25 Restaurants and perhaps Most Romantic or something or other). We shared a couple apps: the mac & cheese and the foie gras. Both were served with an unexpected twist — the mac with a fried egg on top and the foie gras was almost blackened/grilled. Both options were so, so delicious. The mac appetizer truly gives Michael Symon’s comfort food a run for his money (you know how I love any food item with the addition of a fried egg!) Wow. The foie gras was excellent – especially to eat prepared in a wholly different manner. It was also served with beans. Delicious.
I had a salad, while AB enjoyed his Onion Bisque (which had crab in it, so I couldn’t taste). The salad was prepared to my liking, included cranberries and walnuts with mixed greens, but if you do not like a TON of dressing on your greens, I would recommend not ordering this (or even asking for less dressing if at all possible). Again, my preference is salads sopped in bleu cheese. Oh, it was good.
Our entrees one-upped our first two courses. The menu had many great options in every different fish and meat category — I selected the suckling pig and AB enjoyed the Mahi Mahi. It was served similar to a gelatinous cube of pork belly, over steamed carrots and more beans (this time, white). The pig also had a layer of crispy skin to it that totally enhanced the taste. I was definitely too full to finish my plate, and there was not even the tiniest bit of room for a dessert.
We finished up with a few craft brews at Sharp Edge, who lay claim to “Best Belgian Beer Bar in the US.” I’ll let Bier Markt know. In all seriousness, this location (there are four) had every beer I could think of that was Belgian exported. Great draft specials for a Thursday night (and thankfully, no drunk Irish to ruin our night out).
Our third day was short, since I had to get back somewhat early to Cleveland. AB took the day off work with me, and after a small breakfast in the hotel, we went walking (again) to The Strip. Man, so crappy that my good shoes tore because I ended up having to wear thin shoes and killed my legs and hips. Eh. But I digress.
I brought him to Mon Amie for a little “thank you” gift for the girl in our apartment building who looked after our Rudy while we were away (and a Bacon Bar that I cannot eat because of the potential “shellfish” warning on the label WTF?!).
For lunch we went into what I think is the Shadyside or Friendship neighborhood for burgers at Tessaro’s. The amazing (and huge) Deli Burger has Swiss cheese, cole slaw, pickles, and, I think, thousand island dressing on rye bread. We both ordered the same thing. Of course, I could eat maybe half of the delicious blend of ground meat, especially after devouring the entire side of potato salad. It had that wonderful addition of (too much for most people) vinegar that I just drool over. Like Grandma’s.
And any visit to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, would not be complete without a trip to the giant beer store. As luck would have it, there was one case of Great Lakes Christmas Ale on the shelves. Just as we ran out of our last case. Score. Next time, we pack lighter to bring another case or two home.
Wanna lick my "icing"?
While the post office and UPS dictate it is far too late for potential online presents to invade your body cavities for the naughty holiday known as Christmas, if you order today, you and partner can spread some… ahem, “joy” next Tuesday. You know, the only truly important day of the week.
Behind getting laid every day, OF COURSE.
Some gift tips. And just the tip:
Women love candles. ‘specially penis candles.
While every woman would prefer her husband/boyfriend/man maid to have a big penis, some girlfriends — while seemingly perfect on the outside — are harboring the (non)painful truth of 3 inches in the bedroom. *le sigh* Rub it in a little with The Big Penis Book.
Because Christmas is also about jealousy and guilt trips.
Oh, and boredom. Here’s an activity book to keep you occupied through Midnight Mass. But not for the kiddos because there are ENOUGH creepy priests “uncles” in this church.
Sweet ol’ Aunt Bettie made cookies (again) this year. Can that woman ever get Gingerbread right? Tempt that lady with a little Cookie Sutra to make next year’s holiday haps more adult friendly.
Because where there’s ADULTS ONLY family room, there is ADULTS ONLY drinking table. Drink up, drink up, the ENTIRE family’s here. Oh, look, Uncle Carl brought WINE! Penis. Wine?! Yeah. Chin down.
Now, everyone is tipsy and poking fun at the sister who does NOT prefer a brown banana. (If you know what I mean).
No, what?!
“Shut up and grab me some candy off the buffet table.”
And some of that candy lube thingymajigger…
Send all your guests home with some chocolates to remember Christmases… ahem, come and gone.
But don’t let Granny get “run over” by any reindeer.
Bundling up for a chilly, long Friday out in Cleveland, I buttoned up my black wool coat after work, and headed west to Fatheads to meet AB & his work peeps. I drank a beer called something like Monkey Nuts. Seriously.
After moving the desk (previously mentioned in this post) into my condo in River (for temporary storage), we pulled up a couple bar stools, stacked our black wool coats on the old-school video game table, and chatted with owner Eric Williams at Happy Dog (Detroit-Shoreway neighborhood – can’t find a working Web site). Friday nights are the newest best happy hour in Cleveland – DJ Kishka plays polka, and this past week’s edition was the holiday party. I could not get AB to dance, but he laughed as I sang along and kicked my feet (and told me that I was confusing polka with country line dancing).
We then om nom nom nom’d on these:
Delish!
Yes, that is one super all-beef dog loaded with sauerkraut, mini pierogies and horseradish sour cream. For only FIVE DOLLARS.
Not shown: tater tots with two dipping sauces. TWO DOLLARS.
Then, we backtracked to the west side again to join friends from Austin at Put-in-Bay bar. Thankfully, we had a ride from downtown. More black wool coats were stacked on bar stools as we all caught up and defended our heels from explosions of paper napkins.
Randomly, while at PIB, AB received a text from our Tusc County friends who were in CLEVELAND too. Around the same time, our ride was leaving, and graciously dropped us back off downtown to meet up at The Greenhouse Tavern. Ah, a seat. And a place to hang my black wool coat.
We stayed beyond closing time (thanks to all awesome bar staff for not pushing us out! And sorry we missed you, Sawyers!), and bought a couple beers for take homes (mostly because I’ve heard Life & Limb has been selling out at local locations… that was easy). By the time we left Greenhouse, a freezing rain had started, making a black wool coat completely necessary to have downtown (and laugh once again at the hoochies slipping and falling on the street with no winter gear. Hahaha. Loser looks cold in her mini leather shorts).
Our next location, just next door was Wonder Bar for a Bakon Vodka event. My first concoction was some peanut butter bacon drink. I have no idea why I thought this would even be remotely delicious. It was horrible. Disgusting, even. To make said drink “better,” she mixed in some banana liquor after I complained. How I did not throw up is beyond my comprehension.
While we didn’t close down the bars, we had a regular hours after hours back at our apartment. Shortly after pouring a few Christmas Ales, we were all lit like Christmas trees and ready for visions of Sugarplums (ie; bed). I helped our guests with their black wool coats and sent them on their way.
When I got up in the morning, a black wool coat was hangin on my bike handlebars — yet it wasn’t mine, but it was a woman’s coat. When I looked for mine, it was missing – -for obvs, my friend wore my coat back to her hotel. Awesome. By the time we made contact, they were well on their way back to Columbus.
Now Monday morning will be spent in line at the post office shipping a black wool coat to Columbus for Christmas.
The end.
Eternally* I will wonder if there were truly cookie crumbs down my top while I slept. I vaguely recall a mid-slumber freakout of “something” crawling around in my cleavage. Dream? Coincidence that I baked new cookies? One can never be too certain.
*By eternal, I mean, next Spring, when I decide to finally vacuum because there are now ANTS in the bed.
Although I did dream vividly about Drug Mart – a discount store where I worked as a video queen some twelve years ago during college – complete with appearances by middle management and coworkers.
And one overpaid $50 gift card for my grandmother. Seriously, dumb shit gift card seller girl, I asked for FIFTEEN.
Yet, I paid for it anyway. Weird. Maybe Grandma will buy lots of soup.
And I signed for it with the same green pen as I signed my holiday cards… LAST NIGHT. Coincidence?
I also dreamed I was cheating on my boyfriend (BUT WE DIDN’T SLEEP TOGETHER!!!) with a guy who I do not know, and who owned a farm. And a pickup truck. My dream guy was hot (perhaps a bit too young)… but, meh. Farming? Ive heard awesome things about horses, but let’s not make this blog about bestiality.
I have only high hopes for meaning in this life.
Meanwhile, soon after AB gets me out of bed in the morning (after crab-assing and falling through shower curtains and rubbing hair serum on my FACE), I instantly think about this tattooed, gothy, nice-breasted woman. Hot – reminiscent of “Kim” who worked at the Platinum Horse WAY back in the heyday of Brookpark Road. But what does it mean, dream? (see what I did there?)
There are not enough strippers in my life, obvs. Or that we need to make out.
What the hell Christmas Ale?
I caught up with my ex — The Fiance — yesterday. And no, it’s not some big secret that we conversed. AB knows we’re friends.
“What’s new?” he asked, in request of status from our last conversation a couple of months ago.
Everything is JUST as fantastic as the last time we spoke – downtown living arrangements, permanent awesome boyfriend placement, upcoming Caribbean travel plans, same good-paying job in real estate, complacent-yet-straddling-the-line-of-Black-Sheep familial issues… I couldn’t even really share that I was doing Taebo because that workout routine is not new to him (I’m sure we shared similar nightmares of Billy Blanks).
I struggle to think spontaneously! He had a bomb (which I’ll keep off Internets for his privacy). But are questions as such just rhetorical or a true well-intended curiosity?
I can’t believe I actually had to think what was New With Me. Lameness.
1. I tried a new fish last night: yellowtail. This is only my second time eating sushi, of which the afterlife should be entirely comprised, you know, if I make it to one of the good parts (and you know, my digestive system allows me to enjoy some shellfish). AB had everything but the fish to make our own, but decided to stop into Sapporo {map} after a hectic work day. All four types were delicious! Of course, I have a lot left to learn about sushi, but I know the day after having some, I want more. MORE! And I am completely in love with anything spiced mayo. Of COURSE.
2. I tried a new cookie recipe this week. These apple-cranberry oatmeal cookies may very well might be my most favorite of cookie ever baked. EVER. For serious.
3. I’m listening to some new-to-me Bob Seger, courtesy of the greatest music pal ever, Addicted to Vinyl. Seger further reinforces that I need to have a piano in my next living arrangement. Even if it’s just an iPhone app. But not really. Back to Seger, “Days When the Rain Would Come” is holy fucking shit amazing to listen. Consider it on 1,063 loop rotations.
4. *sigh* I think I need another new hairdresser. When I called last week to make an appointment, she was out of the salon for a couple days for “personal reasons.” She still has yet to call me back for a potential haircut on Friday. Looks as though I will be rocking some bad-ass split ends (and extraordinarily long hair) for the holidays. I really, really liked my haircut last time. Dammit.
5. I might jump on board with adding a bunch of new recipes and cooking techniques to my resolutions list. AB cooks for us almost every night, which I love, but I love trying to cook/make new things (and subsequently fucking them up gloriously!). Be that as it may, spaghetti squash is on the menu tonight. AB is not joining us for dinner. OMG, I can fart at home!
6. Remember all that running I used to do? You know, the activity I gave up the second my witches’ tits started freezing over? Yeah… I’m considering giving the half-marathon another Ol’ College Try. See, I’ll be 33 in May, and that’s what still-hot-in-perfect-condition 33-year-olds do. Right? Or do they become strippers? I always confuse the two.
7. I did this super horrible spray tanning at home last weekend with a new product. At application, it was running fast down my arms and chest, and there was no doubt I was getting streaky with it. I wasn’t even complete with spraying my abs on before it stained my hand (yes, with a spray can, wtf?). And that can ran out before my fracking back was even. So, for 5 hours I resembled an aborigine, and when I showered — HOLY CRAP! It looked fantastic! Not much streaking (although a tiny bit uneven on my back — but not noticeable). Three days of awesome coverage before fading. Billy Blanks could not even paint these perfect abs. OK, he had probably a quarter of the credit. All that being said, I still like the fake tan courtesy of Neutrogena (airbrush) and Banana Boat (aerosol). If only I could afford Optima Sun Lab on a weekly basis.
Yeah, so these would all probably bore my ex-non-husband to laughing tears, like, OMG, you are lameness and what happened to befriending porn stars and when are you going to Amsterdam again and your cooking totally sucks.
Man, I had a bit more to talk about when I was buying hookers. It’s like endlessly talking about children to someone without spawn.
Perhaps the Caribbean sells those things. The hookers, not the spawn, of course.
So, Readers, what’s new? And what stories do you share with your exes — good, bad, ugly, same? Do you make up shit? I don’t talk to my exes, Crazy Woman!
I love my man whore. But after scrolling through his recommended gift guide, shit, he has, ahem, “expensive taste.” He’s a high maintenance ho! I mean that in the most affectionate way, of course. So, if you still do not know your man well enough for gift-giving practices (perhaps you should not look at this list because you should DEFINITELY not be spending this much on him), take a look at some high-tech, super geeky, yet refined selections, courtesy of the #1 Man Whore of my heart, AB:
LG BD390 I used to memorize my cell phone model numbers. I can vaguely recall program versions and updates — on a clear day what processor I’m using. Now I’m all “iPhone” and “MacBook.” Yet, I looked at this alpha-numeric item a couple times, and I still have no clue of its use, outside of streaming Netflix. And some Blu-ray, wifi BS, and that is only because it was originally stated as such in his email to me. So, yeah, men like cool gadgetry shit for the TV setup. But Boxee boxes don’t ship until Spring.
Nikon D3000 digital SLR
I’ve decided I want a really good camera too. I’ve been fluctuating between wanting a vintage or a digital SLR, so we could both use this one. Then, once we get our house, I can set up a dark room in the basement, and acquire bunches of cool, vintage photography development shit. Wouldn’t that be sweet. Homemade naked shots of hot neighbors. In black-and-white, of course.
The new iMac A computer for the apartment that already houses six laptops. With no desk. Or an office space. Yeah, maybe next year. You know, when we can reassemble your office chair that we’ve hidden in the “furnace closet.”
Glenrothes single barrel 1967 vintage Vintage beers, whiskeys, scotches, beers are an awesome gift. Noted. And by that, I mean, ladies, pay attention to your man’s distinguished drinking habits. You can get him drunk, and take advantage of him. Like a good girl on Santa’s list.
Canon Vixia HF10 Digital Camcorder I’m certain there’s a perverted purpose for this… I’m in. Duh.
TomTom GO 740 Live
What’s that about men and asking for directions? No more fights on road trips. Well, unless you date someone completely unhinged, as I have.
2010 Demotivator Calendar This cracked my shit up. But seriously, if your man in even the tiniest sort of way hints at daily laziness, this might not be the gift for him. Otherwise, de-motivate away!
Nostalgia Electrics Kegorator Beer Keg Fridge Um, I think we already have one of these? You need one in black? Make sure it matches the appliances. I think I’m drunk. Or maybe he is…
ORB Audio the “People’s Choice” Mod4 Speaker System Speakers are cool. We seem to have a lot of them around the apartment. Ones that don’t work. Perhaps I should have thought of a solution before gift-giving season. Dammit.
Nice Collective – Wells Coat (or anything at Brigade) I love my boyfriend in this shit. Cleveland-local shop Brigade is obviously not a place for your man if he wears Starter jackets. Or team gear on a daily basis. They ARE good for remembering your man and all his measurements and sizes (and general likes & dislikes) if by some chance you come across a “perfect” label item. They sell cool shit. This year, we fulfilled our closet addictions by shopping (and saving!) for ourselves the day after Thanksgiving. His three-piece pin-striped suit is fucking hot. In a very “Mentalist” sort of way. Mmmm.
A selection from the Bunny Ranch MenuYEEEEAHHH. That’s my man. Whipped Cream Party sounds like a good time. Note to self: buy some Redi-Whip and find a girlfriend for Valentine’s Day… and take pictures with my awesome vintage camera.
The last item (since he only gave me 11) was something I wish I would have thought about before I created shopping lists — a telescope. Living downtown (and being entirely too voyeuristic for only my set of boobies), this would be a great party piece for any bachelor pad. Imagine that close up on the naked drying-off girl across the alley! Or the boss-assistant combo up on floor 33 you’ve been dying to watch. Heh. Great fun for all of his friends. And, well, perverted girlfriends just the same. You know, until you move that into a furnace closet, and force all your 18 throw pillows onto his bed. Just don’t change the curtains.
This blog is about pursuit: a transplanted Clevelander (me) in a new city (that's you, Pittsburgh!), pursuing the role of a self-employed copywriter, becoming a roller derby badass and somehow merging all my to-do items into one ever-growing Bucket List.
And of MY boyfriend. His blue balls started this mess.
