Performancing Metrics


{penis tuesday} guest dick: penises are deceiving


A penile treat for you today, PT readers. A post from a special guest about a special variety of penis. True story: I still haven’t seen one in the wild.

- – -
I’ve seen some penises in my life. Not an exorbitant amount, but enough to feel like I have a good gauge (heh) on the male species. You could say that I’ve experienced a rather large (and sometimes small) sampling. I can thank my college days, bartending days and hell, just plain’ ol slutty days for those.

But there was a time, when familiarity was not my strong point. And while my moves had been practiced, my experience was left to only one man. A post relationship breakup in junior year of college led me down that long, veiny road of adventures. It was here that I had my many firsts with male appendages.

It was almost 5 years ago to this day. September, 2007. I know this because it was just a few weeks after the Big Break-up… and because I was wearing new boots, but that’s not the point. Despite my cardinal rule of abstaining from guys at my school, I found myself lusting after an eclectic sophomore. Naturally, he resembled the ex, but was more fun and only marginally mysterious.

I was still learning how to flirt, a skill forgotten in the three years I spent as a girlfriend and was fairly awkward of how to go about moving from party mode to sexual mode. An easy transition for me now, but new to me at the time.

I stood on the porch of his apartment. I was trying to quell the growing vomit feeling that was lingering in the depths of my throat. He was sitting and watching me. As I leaned over the balcony, half hoping I would throw up and half hoping I wouldn’t. As I said, I didn’t know how to move from one stage to the next. Not without being overtly sexual at least. I was prepared to go all Adam & Eve on him.

But let’s not make a long story longer: I was excited for my first post break-up penis sighting. I wanted to know if they were similar, if they reacted the same. It was a life experiment.

I arrived to find that they were quite similar. I mean, it’s a penis!

But what makes this story special? Well. A week or so later, I hung out with a mutual friend, who knew about the hookup. He asked me how I liked his one-eyed monster. Strange question. He clarified, “you know, it may not be something you’re used to.” I cocked my head.

“He’s uncircumsized…”

I think that’s something I would have noticed. I always thought it was something I would. I mean, there were no ant eaters present that night. My friend insisted. Then followed up with, “I thought you would have noticed.”


And that’s the day I learned that circumsized penises are actually just like normal penises.

They’re just a little sneakier.


{pursuit of greener pastures} What color is your grass?


I am beyond geeked that my blogging trail has crossed with medical journalist, Emily Murray. Emily is a contributing writer for KwikMed, which is an online health care site that was recently appointed as the exclusive distributor of the new morning after pill (Ella) by Watson Pharmaceuticals. I’ve long been (and forever will be) a supporter of comprehensive sexual education, especially when it comes to the reproductive rights of women. Likewise, we’ve all heard the stories of not having access to particular prescriptions, as well of an overwhelming embarrassment for most women in obtaining such a product in person (Ella can be ordered online through KwikMed).

But, back to the fun (and your one day of man hatin’)… Emily has written the following guest post for my readers: A Woman’s Perspective on Why Men Always Think the Grass is Greener Elsewhere

Whomever came up with the saying, “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” gave men an excuse. Something they can spout out at the most inopportune times in a relationship, for no reason whatsoever, save only for when commitment becomes an inconvenience. Now, this is not to say that women don’t ever get a case of wanderlust, but without a doubt men hold the record when it comes to throwing this little cliché into break-up speeches.

So where does this come from?
Think of it this way: we buy something new to wear out, see a fabulous new pair of shoes on someone else, and then we’re left feeling as though we could have something better. While relationships shouldn’t be held to the same standards as a shopping habit, both situations are similar: we want more. The bigger/better/shinier model of… anything.

Part of this phenomenon is human nature, but while some of us soon realize that the “grass being greener” is simply an illusion, we fall for its tricks. Yet, others seem to take far longer to reach this conclusion. For men, perhaps it is a spillover from the simple days of finding a suitable mate. Even in the animal kingdom, the qualities that attract a male to a female — and vice versa — are purely meant for survival of the species. If another mate comes along who is more appealing, the pursuit of procreation seems to override loyalty. While we have an overload of technology to show for our evolution from those early days, our internal wiring is not so quick to evolve. And the majority of those in the animal world are NOT monogamous. Yet, humans are expected to break this mold.

So, if your boyfriend or girlfriend gave into this impulse, do you allow them the mistake? If your significant other (or former) realized they were wrong, do you allow them back into your life?

Why this can be a problem
Ensuring you always have the best job, the largest circle of friends, the fastest car and likewise emotional triggers seemingly puts you on a positive life course. But there certainly needs to be a line drawn somewhere. Do you draw that invisible line at relationships? Or the car? While Disney movies and fairy tales paint quite a picture of beautiful princesses being “rescued” by a handsome prince (and I’m sure there’s likely some “riding off into the sunset”), those of us who have lived-and-learned realize that this is not reality… and those who haven’t, are still in search of the greenest grass out there.

If this all sounds depressing, it’s really not. There is this little thing called “settling,” but finally accepting that the grass will always look greener – no matter what – might be just cause to give up the eternal bachelor battle. Most of us have a tendency to ponder what else is out there — and are faced with that internal monologue: “is this the right situation for me?” For some, it takes a while of bouncing back and forth from relationship to bachelor/bachelorette hood to find eventually that they are chasing an incomprehensible dream. Some still may equate settling down to be like “settling” for less than perfection; still, others come to the realization that the dream they are chasing is farfetched, and what is truly needed is right in front of them.

No matter what end of the “grass is always greener” scenario you have been (the dumpee or the dumper), it’s an age-old battle that is really no fun to decipher. Especially with a younger bolder generation, more so inclined to wait to settle down or internally wired for instant gratification. It’s seemingly worse for those who expect a certain unattainable ideal. The traditional roles of men and women in our society have changed drastically since our grandparents’ days of early courtship, and many 20- and 30-somethings are left in uncomfortable limbo.

If this all sounds familiar — and you or your partner are experiencing the pangs of the am-I-missing-something-better syndrome — as much as it hurts, sometimes the green-grass-seeker needs to discover again his mistake by taking advantage of certain “freedoms.” Some learn the error of their ways. If not, then it’s time to move on and explore the “greener grass” yourself!

While it would be so much easier to take a dating equivalent of the morning after pill to erase the damage of a horrible breakup, the old adage that time heals all stands as true as that grassy knoll. While this is obviously frustrating, remember as evolved as we may seem, our animal instincts for survival, procreation… and, ahem, “greener pastures” are deeply rooted.


PT {guest post}: Jimi Does Penis

PT {guest post}: Jimi Does Penis

Jimi, From the Cheap Seats, is at it again — and by “it,” I mean, cracking my ass up. This time, he guest posts for your weekly dose of your favorite column… OK, and mine.

It seems that the lovely Mel has asked me to do another guest post. This time it’s for a Penis Tuesday. I know what you are thinking: Mel is either way past caring or hasn’t taken her meds lately. I can’t figure it out either. I jumped at the chance because I’m shameless like that. I guest posted on this wonderful play what seems like ages ago. I told a wonderfully quaint story about a bj gone awry. This of course means both guests post involved penis. Or peni? Peen? Peniseses? At least this time it’s not my penis. Or is it? No it’s not.

It is about Penis Tuesday. Or is it?

Yes it is.

I promise.

No really. I swear.

Okay it was. It really was. I sat down with a cup of coffee and the intent of a traditional Penis Tuesday post. I gave it a valiant effort. I even played King Missile’s Detachable Penis to get in the mood. It soon took a turn for….well will just say it took a turn for the jimi. It started with this:

Mannekin Pis wine corkscrew

Such a pisser!

(See? A traditional Penis Tuesday Post!)

That is a wine corkscrew a friend gave us. It’s made of pure win isn’t it? It’s not all that great at opening wine bottles but who cares it’s awesome. One time a neighbor from across the hall stopped over and asked if she could borrow one. I knew this was the perfect opportunity to use it. The wife on the other hand didn’t see it that way. She wouldn’t give her it. Instead she gave her the clean family friendly (and easier to use) one.

The real story here though is in an event that took place long after we received the sweet pee pee corkscrew. It involves a friend—we’ll call him Jude Law.

Yes I’m friends with Jude Law.

No I’m not actually but we’ll still call him Jude Law.

Please don’t sue me Jude Law.

AnyNotReallyJudeLaw my friend Jude Law had disappeared from my life for a while. I mean it was sort of odd. Jude just dropped off the radar. His texts and calls stopped. He was just gone. A real Houdini act. Then one day the wifey and I ran into him at an event. I won’t specify what event because I don’t want to give away who Jude Law really is. It was sort of weird. No that’s not true it wasn’t sort of weird. It was downright awkward. I mean it had been quite a while since I had heard anything from him. We ended up hanging out that night. I’ll be honest it was my wife’s idea. I’m more of the mindset that when something like that happens you need to earn things back. Nonetheless we hung out at the event and then went for dinner and drinks. It became a seamless transition into the old friendship.

What does this have to do with penis Tuesday you ask?

Well he has a penis right?

Plus I have—no I said it won’t be about my penis—

AnyNotaboutJimi’sPenis moving on. Later on we ran into him again near our apartment. We talked for a bit. Yadda Yadda Yadda. He refriended us on facebook. That is the true sign of a friendship or reconnecting right? Then one night after a dinner party (at our place) he called and left a voicemail. I called back and this is basically the convo that happened:

Jude Law: Hello.
Jimi: Hey Jude Law who I’m clearly friends with.
Jude Law: Yep Jude Law here.
Jimi: I know that’s why I said Jude Law. The readers here are smart they already gathered you were Jude Law. Why repeat.
Jude Law: Yes and clearly the last 2 pieces of the conversation you just added.
Jimi: Right but other than that it’s a pretty accurate representation.
Jude Law: Right. Haven’t you always wanted to see your friend Jude Law dressed as a woman?
Jimi: Uhm yes….?
Jude Law: I think that can be arranged tonight, if I can come over for a drink or two.
Jimi: Sure Jude Law.

We hang up. In my mind I somehow knew he was serious. I mean SERIOUS. Like not this is a joke, a prank, a costume. No this is a life decision serious. How I knew this I don’t know. It was just something I was sure of. I sat there and pondered it for a second. Then it hit me. He was on his way. He was walking distance. Jude Law was going to be showing up dressed like a chick. The wife would be caught unaware, not that I had much time to grasp it.

For a split second it crossed my mind that I shouldn’t warn her. How funny would that be? Pretty damn funny that’s how funny that joke would be. Oh what a gas we’d have. We could laugh and laugh about it later. I couldn’t bring myself to do it though. I shook it off because it wasn’t fair to her or him. This was serious. That split second thought was my downfall. When I got to her she was on the phone with her mom. I tried to get her attention. I tried to get her to pause so I could tell her. I got “Jude Law is coming over now” out and a nod from her. I waved my arms but she told me to wait.

Soft girl knock at the door. I turned and waited. With a sigh I opened the door and sure enough there Jude Law stood wearing a skirt.

And makeup.

All girly and such.

You know exactly like a dude who wanted to dress like a girl would look.

Then the wife turned and saw. Uh oh. I knew she’d have no problem accepting he—she—Jude Law, but it would be a shock with no warning. She took it pretty much in stride. She saw and did not react really at all. After her talk with her mother ended she joined us for a chat. I asked if He—she—Jude Law wanted a drink. What did I have that was a good drink to offer a girl? All the girls who drink with me are beer or hard liquor drinkers. He—she—Jude Law—wants to be a girl and I can go with this.

I can do this.
“Want a PBR?”
“Well do you have something else?” dainty like.
Aw crap what a dumb thing to ask. I’m not a huge fan of PBR but it was cheap and needed to be consumed. Okay attempt number two.
I peeked into the fridge “We uh have Guinness.”
“Anything else” he—she—Jude Law asked.
“Oh..OH we have WINE! What about wine?”
“Wine would be nice.”

Okay now this will work. Good. I grab the bottle of wine and the pee pee wine corker.
“Isn’t this awesome? It doesn’t work too great but it’s awesome.”
“cool” or “awesome” or “insert what was actually said because I don’t remember it”
“I thought you’d like it.”


“Well not like that. I mean it’s just awesome. Not because you’re all girly now.”
“No I still like girls.”
“Right. A glass.” Hmm what glass to give this new (to us) girl?

I get up on a chair and search through our glasses. I of course bring out this huge hulking beer mug. It was huge.
(That’s what she said. Well not her….damnit you get what I mean!)

I put the huge mug back and searched. I searched my beer glass collection (why??) and finally pulled out a big Murphy’s Stout glass I got from Winking Lizard.

“I give up” I said pouring the wine. I poured till it was half filled and Jude Law took it. We talked and talked that night about it all. Why, how, when and etc.

That is the story of how my friend Jude Law shared his—her big life decision and I continually made it weird. I’m a dope like that.
Moral? Keep girly wine glasses easily findable.

Or maybe don’t search Google images with “Penis wine corkscrew.” Some scary things come up. Some of which included many an animal penis.

Although I did find this and it is pretty awesome:

Spread 'em!


Guest Post: go there!


Hey you! Head on over to ‘Burgh Living’s blog today. My newest Rookie of the Year post is up, guiding yinz on some local-based resolutions this year.

How will you resolve to be a better ‘Burgher?



Rookie of the Year!


This was a my goal when I was in roller derby — to be named Rookie of the Year. In this “figuring out my athletic career” phase (and acting as Interim Lamest at Making a Decision), being labeled with such high regard for my guest posts to ‘Burgh Living is sincerely just as sweet. I really look forward to this collaboration, and I hope you enjoy as well!

Check out ‘Burgh Living’s so sweet introduction to my series.

THEN, read my first impressions of the ‘Burgh.

Your comments and feedback about my experiences thus far are much appreciated.


Rolling, rolling, rolling.


Today’s guest post is from my dear, dear friend, Kent Smith. Sir Smith is here today to rave about Cleveland’s own Burning River Roller Girls. I swear to you, I will grow a set of balls this year to actually try out next season.

I even have two potential nicknames selected — obviously not family friendly… so I might have to change ‘em. Although I still love the name Pat McRotch. I may or may not have had a bumper sticker on one of my first cars that read that. Just sayin’.

Burgers or burritos when I get home, Kent, ‘kay?


First of all, I am honored to supply some content to the Pursuit of Your Boyfriend blog. In keeping with the theme of strong, independent women, I would like to provide an update and overview of the meanest ladies on skates, Cleveland’s own Burning River Roller Girls. In the spirit of full disclosure, I must state that I am one of two derby announcers for the team.

After building its fan base the past three years, the Burning River Roller Girls are about to go big time. On March 13, 2010, the four BRRG league teams will launch Season Four at the Wolstein Center on the campus of Cleveland State University. This blog will attempt to do three things: 1. provide an overview of Roller Derby in America; 2. re-create the BRRG history and finally; 3. I will stoke the subplots for Year Four.

Roller Derby in America

There are 78 American and Canadian cities that have sanctioned and ranked Roller Derby teams. The parent organization of Roller Derby is the Woman’s Flat Track Derby Association. More teams are being added every month. Every Fall, The WFTDA sponsors a four-region, national tournament that results in an overall champion. In concept, it is similar to the NCAA college basketball tournaments. Each of the four regions invites its top ten teams to determine its top three qualifiers for the Championship Tournament. That Championship Tourney (held last year in Philadelphia) takes those 12 qualifying teams from the Regions and eventually crowns an overall champion.

For the first time ever, Cleveland’s Burning River All-Star team qualified as the 10th ranked team in the North Central WFTDA Region. So last September, they traveled to St. Paul, Minnesota for a weekend of derby action and they left the 8th ranked team in the region. Not bad at all for a team that was in their first WFTDA tourney.

Roller Derby in Cleveland

Cleveland has four league teams (The Cleveland Steamers, The Hard Knockers, The Hellbombers & The Rolling Pin-Ups) and two travel teams (The Burning River All-Stars and The Hazmat Crew). The travel teams are made up of skaters from the four league teams and they … well … travel to play derby teams in other cities. Whereas the league teams play each other and eventually one of the four BRRG League teams wins the Hazard Cup. League play (between the four league teams) begins in March and concludes with the Championship Bout in July.

The three-time defending champion league team are The Hellbombers. The Hellbombers have not lost since 2007. In the first league championship in 2007, they rallied to beat the then undefeated Hard Knockers. In 2008, the Hellbombers successfully defended their crown again against the Hard Knockers. In 2009, the Hellbombers three-peated but this time the team they defeated were the Cleveland Steamers. The Steamers had been the leagues last place team in the first two seasons so their appearance in the Championship Bout was a testimony to their collective hard work and dedication.

What’s Ahead for Season Four of the Burning River Roller Girls?

First a quick description, then the teams – then the venue. For those have you that have not seen Roller Derby let me provide a quick explanation. There are five skaters on the track per team. Teams score points when one skater (called a Jammer) passes members of the opposing team. The other four skaters (called Blockers) are playing offense and defense at the same time. The Blockers are trying to get their Jammer through the pack while they try to stop the opposing team’s Jammer. All while everyone skates counter-clockwise and tries to knock the crap out of members of the opposing team.

The biggest question is can the Hellbombers be stopped? Like Baseball – if your team has 4 very strong starting Pitchers – you will have a good chance to win most games. The Hellbombers return four very strong, veteran Jammers. The other League teams can often field two, maybe three, strong Jammers but the Hellbombers often wear out opponents due to their depth at the point scoring position. The Hellbombers will most likely be able to make a return visit to the BRRG League Championship Bout.

The real question is who will meet the Hellbombers in the Championship Bout? Will the Hard Knockers return to 2007, 2008 form? Will the Cleveland Steamers continue their development and take the Hellbomber crown? Or will the Rolling Pin-Ups, who have only played in the conciliation bout, finally be able to turn the corner?

My prediction: the Pin-Ups turn the corner in 2010 and will challenge the Hellbombers. Why? The Rolling Pin-Ups have a collection of veteran Blockers and, with the strength of their 2010 rookie class, they can finally go four deep at the Jammer position. As their rookie class gains experience, they will probably peak towards the end of Season Four.

But the most exciting news of the 2010 season could be that the BRRG teams will be playing at the Wolstein Center on the Cleveland State University campus. After playing seasons 1 and 2 in North Ridgeville and Season 3 in Euclid, the BRRGs now have a Downtown home as they get to lace up their skates inside Cleveland’s second largest indoor sports arena. And you should be there.

The first bout is on March 13, 2010. Doors open at 5PM; the first bout starts at 6PM. Every bout is a double-header as all four league teams will play each night. Advance sale tickets only $12 a bout and are available at Ticketmaster or at the Wolstein box office. Season ticket packages will get you all five league bouts for the cost of four. For more info see their website which is

I will see you at the Wolstein Center in the Spring.

Kent Smith is the co-author of “Please God Save Us” and one of two announcers for the Burning River Roller Girls.




One friend leaves, and another comes back! Dott-O is back in The Cleve! While we had a Missed Connection when I visited Vegas, I’m super-excited about her (semi) permanent reinstallation The Steel Ovaries Happy Hour back home. Truly.

And it’s always uber-awesome for a (re)addition to the local arts scene…


So Mel asks me to “guest blog” and before really thinking about what to write, I accepted. “Hell!” I thought.“I can blog about my cross country ski adventures or the non-dating scene I am a current member of or even what it was like to make two solo transcontinental treks (which I highly advise EACH of you to do)!” Instead I’ve decided to write letters to my ex-lover, Las Vegas and my rekindling with Cleveland.

Dear Vegas,

We had three wonderful years together, but I needed to move on and I feel like I can finally air what has been on my chest. There were things that just didn’t mesh with us. The economy started to dump and the lifestyle we shared became ever more out of reach. Your inability to handle driving in the rain and the very rare ¼” of snow was preposterous and laughable. I never liked your tick-tacky, flash-in-the-pan nightclub fetish and felt that you needed to support a lot (A LOT) more metal shows and art exhibitions! Also, expecting me to pay $15 for a Heineken?
Not cool!

However, there are things that I am pining for. I miss your hotness. I miss your ability to make me shed my long pants and shirt and bask in your warm glow. I miss how we’d party all night long, embrace the sunrise together, take a nap and start all over again. I miss your bright, neon smile and your fast pace. I miss your geography, baby. I miss it like you can’t believe! I’m sorry things didn’t work out but I will never regret our time together, Vegas.

Dear Cleveland,

Wow! It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? I’ve been thinking a lot about you in the past few months and I’ve got to say, you’ve gotten really good looking. I mean, you’ve always been cool with your rock and roll and your other interests, but there’s something else. Cross country skiing with you has been nothing short of A BLAST! I’ve loved going to wine tastings and exploring the region. I’ve gotten to hang out with some old friends and it hasn’t been “weird.” I know that we’ve had our issues in the past but I’m looking toward the future and think that we just might make this happen. I mean, you’ve inspired me to get back into fighting shape AND you support my art! You are lavishing me with metal shows all over town and frankly, isn’t that what really gets to the heart of a gal? You’re so…comfortable and cuddly, too.

Ah, Cleveland. I’m really looking forward to this. But you’re going to have to work on your cynicism. It’ll give you wrinkles.

If this thing with Cleveland doesn’t work out, I’ll probably be back in March for a quickie! So keep that champagne flowing and your party hat on.

Love, Dott


Friends, I will remember you… (Guest Post)


With great sadness, I introduce soon-to-be-former Clevelander, Cleveland Caper. *sigh* We just started to be what would be a really good friendship… with karaoke nights to be scheduled.

She asks for suggestions… for WHAT? Well, you have to read until the rest of her post. But of course, the answer to any question is always: MORE LESBIANS.


I need some sort of mantra for 2010. I’ll miss you, my silly-local-drama-crafty friend! And forever I will think of you when I pour my vodka-cranberries and see the most wonderful “I {heart} Penis Tuesday” magnet on my fridge ever.



Penis! Penis! Penis! Sorry, I felt the need to do that.  I have to say, I am quite flattered that Mel asked me guest post here on LLP, but I was a bit unsure of what to write as my adventures are not nearly as colorful as Miss Mel.  Then, I was inspired by the name of this blog and how it mirrors my future.

As I have been a complete and total blog fail recently, I should explain that during my trip home to Joisey at Thanksgiving, I was offered several opportunities for jobs and realized I just really missed home.  That being said, I have decided to move back to The Garden State and hit the restart button on my life.  After 5 years of living away from home (in Phoenix and Cleveland), I’m ready to return.  This is how I came to think about “Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Your Boyfriend,” as my new credo.  Here’s why:

Life – I am finally taking control of my professional future.  After 2 lay-offs, 213 job applications, 17 interviews (including one at a certain hall of fame where my interviewer said, “oh, I am so stealing some of your ideas! Grr!), 5 temp agencies and a serving job, I feel that I my college degree (go Scarlet Knights!) and my talent is being wasted.  Not anymore! Although, I’m not going to go into the particulars of what my new job is, I can say I am so excited about it! I feel as though I am in the driver’s seat for the first time in a very long time.

In addition to my professional pursuits, I plan on filling my days with all sorts of fun endeavors.  I’m dusting off my guitar and plan on getting back to music and the singing I miss so much.  I’m going to train for a race with my Dad and take yoga with my mom. Oh, I guess I should mention that initially I am moving back in with my parents; if that isn’t fodder for blog posts, I don’t know what is.  I wonder if there is a TLC reality show in here somewhere.  Luckily, my parents are awesome and support me in all of my crazy and spontaneous adventures.  Unluckily, I know my father is going to drive me nuts.  Either way, this is my life and I am taking control of it!

Liberty -  Before I made the decision to leave the 216, I was battling the idea that I was somehow giving up.  I was born in Cleveland and that is why I decided to move here 2 and a half years ago.  Although I can’t shake the feeling that I am somehow a quitter, I know that I really gave it my all while I was here.  Now, I feel free to leave to pursue different opportunities.  I’m not giving up on Cleveland, I’m committing to myself.  There are so many things I am going to miss about living here.  I’ll get into more about that on my own blog, but I am going to miss all of the kick-ass bloggers I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know.  It makes me sad to feel that I am just getting to be a part of a community and then leaving.  I guess liberty has its price…

Pursuit of Your Boyfriend -  With my new year/new me inspiration came the re-evaluation of my 5 year relationship.  The truth is I love the boy with all of my heart; I always will.  I can’t give a great explanation as to why I feel the need to be on my own, but after serious consideration we both decided to take this time to be single.  He has been so supportive of my plans and will always be my best friend.  I can’t say what the future holds for us, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.  In the meantime, I’m just going to focus on me…ok, and maybe making out with a few strangers.  Although I won’t be actively pursuing your boyfriends, I’m not going to be turning them down either;). Here’s to a year filled with LIVING, LIBERTY and BOYFRIENDS! What are your plans for 2010?

Thanks for letting me post Mel! I may be moving but I will always read this awesome blog!  Now it’s off to pack…and think of a new name for my blog.  Any suggestions?


TMI Thursday – Guest post!


Today’s guest post is beyond awesome. I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself. I’ve never done a TMI Thursday post — mostly because I don’t regularly speak about my own sex life. Perhaps I should start, save only for hilarious stories as posted below. Anywho, TMI Thursdays are a day we share a bit too much information — kinda like what I do with Penis Tuesday, but horrifyingly familiar. From The Cheap Seats takes over from here.

TMI Thursdays were started by another blogger whom I love: Livit, Luvit. At least, I think so…

Let’s give a golf clap welcome to Jim, everyone….


I had just finished knocking out the final production notes on my play with a big time theatre when I got the call. It was of course from Mel.

Is Mel okay? I don’t know the etiquette of these things. This is especially true since I tend to be very weird when it comes to people and my name. I’ll just go with it I did win a green penis from here and now I’m guest posting so it should be okay.

Sorry where was I? Oh yeah the call. It was weird at first because you know how did she get my phone number? I rolled with it though because I like when girls call me.

Does my wife know I’m posting here? I love you honey.

Anydizzle the call I received right. There was this really weird red glow in my apartment when I got it but you know that didn’t bother me. I quickly said yes to the guest post but apparently she wanted to interview me first. Which is weird right? I thought so but I went with it. There were the traditional “what would you post about” and the not so traditional “what are you wearing?” My answers: A blow job TMI and my work uniform with a top hat. Wait what? That’s weird. I rolled with it. What did one die say to the other die? That’s how I roll.

Damn did I really just say that joke? Shit did I type that joke and put it in the post? Is this thing on? Anyone still reading?

Anybodiddly long story short I wrote the post and sent it in. Then the FBI got involved (WHAT?) Yeah somehow the feds saw something in my post and were after me. I ruined Life Liberty and the Pursuit of your boyfriend. I was on the lam. When they caught me they cops were very furry. I think they may have been orangutans. That is when I woke and barley had time to write the dream down before slipping into some other one.

That’s right folks I just <s> wasted your time</s> dream sequenced you. It is sort of like rick rolling only not as cool or fun. What was the point? Oh that I had a weird dream about guest posting here and then was asked to. My wife said I was creepy but she’s been using creepy for everything lately. You can blame the dream sequence nonsense on me watching so much Northern Exposure recently. All dream sequences aside I’m quite honored to be doing this. I’ve always thought it’d be cool to do a Penis Tuesday!

What’s that? I’m not doing a Penis Tuesday?

Okay then. TMI post it is. So I was asked (and quickly said hell yeah) to do a TMI post now I just needed a topic. There were a number of ones I had cooking in my mind kettle but how to choose which. I went (shockingly) with a blow job one. Why? A few reasons: Penis Tuesday is a staple here, I won a green crocheted penis from here, work with dicks. Oh and finally Tony Parker looks like a penis. In all honesty it really could just boil down to the wife told me to. She thinks letting me makes her some sort of hero. It according to her takes a lot of courage to let a lot of people know that a wife gives her husband Blow Jobs.

Her: Hey I’m letting you tell people I give you blow jobs.

ME: You’re my wife they assume you do.

Her: I don’t care I don’t want them to know I do!

Me: They probably already thought you did.

Her: At least they’ll know I don’t swallow.

Okay I do apologize for that long rambling whatever it was, but I needed you to truly get the feel of what it’s like to be lost and searching for a point on my blog. That’s over so let’s just dive in shall we:

It was about ten years ago. I still lived in Florida and my beloved well she was lived in Cleveland. She had just graduated from Cleveland Heights High (go High Tigers hahahah get high? Ahem anyway) and applied to The University of Miami (FL). She flew down to audition for them. I won’t go into details of the relationship but it’ll suffice to say I was very happy to be seeing her. On this trip she stayed at my lovely sister Lisa’s house. She slept on the couch in the living room which was big and pretty comfy. Where did I sleep? I slept on the couch to which made it slightly less comfortable but a whole lot more fun. Then it’s always fun until someone loses an eye. So we’re on the couch it is late at night and all are asleep. One thing leads to another (and really when I’m involved who could be helped?) and in the darkness of the living room I felt her hand slide down to Mr. now wide awake. This action of course makes me Mr. Happy.

I’ll interject here that I’m a bit of a weird sleeper. I’m usually very hot and either sleep in the nude (not happening at my sis’s) or in boxers with no shirt. I usually take said shirt and cover my eyes with it as I sleep because I need darkness. Hey I’m weird I know!

So I’m mostly naked at the point where she starts rummaging in my tool shed while we make out. Soon she begins her descent and (I’ll keep the details to a minimum because she’s already horrified) eagerly took it into her mouth. I was a little freaked about this happening in the living room of my sister’s house but with every bob I stopped caring. At the casa de Lisa the kitchen is only accessible through the living room but the bathroom is still in the hallway. So with one hand on the soon to be wife’s head and my mind barely still listening for noises from the hallway I enjoyed a pretty long BJ. There was one tense moment when my sister went to the bathroom but I did not stop the wife just yet. After all we were quiet and protected by the dark and covers. If she decided to go to the kitchen I could probably stop it in time to hide the fact it was happening. So she keeps going faster and I’m getting closer and closer. Unfortunately she can sense this and slows to a stop and continues with her hand. Now the details are foggy on some of the aspect of what was going to happen when I came. We’ll go with the standard there is usually a handy towel nearby, but this time no towel. So when I knew I was at the breaking point I know I need a landing zone for what is about to come out. She’s clothed so the boobies are a no, and anywhere else (and only there with explicit permission) would get me killed. I grabbed at my shirt but it’s too late and a large stream of cum shoots into the air and into my eye. Now as I cover my traitorous penis with my shirt my eye begins to burn like it was a disco inferno. I may or may have not flailed like a looney at this point. I do know that I almost fell off the couch. It was stinging like all get out and I ran to the bathroom. There I tried to drown my eye. I wondered if somehow my penis was radioactive or like one of those snakes that spits poison. I eyed it cautiously with my one good eye. After minutes of silent cursing and lots of water it eventually stung only slightly. My wife had a good laugh and still does. I suppose it is funny.

To make matters worse remember how I sleep? Yeah as I lay down I take my shirt and drape it over my eyes, it wasn’t until the damp spot from my good time came to rest on my eyes did I remember what the shirt had just been used for. Yuck.

What is the moral of the story? No premarital sex of any kind. Yeah right. The real moral is you should swallow my wonderful lady friends or at least let your boobies be readily available. I don’t say this for our pleasure but for the safety reasons. Tragedies like mine (and the many women it’s happened to too) can be avoided. What if a child had been for some inexplicable way walking by at just that particular moment and was blinded for life?

My wife said I couldn’t possibly keep the swallowing message as the moral of the story in this post. The whole child thing too, but I did anyway. She also said “what the hell is wrong with you?” More than once that was said actually.

I blame Mel.

I also thank her.


Foreign Family Christmas


While I’m working on my tan in Florida and Mexico for seven days, I’m passing the blogging reigns to my friends and the bloggers whom I stalk. Religiously.

I don’t know another way to pray.

Today’s guest post comes from my dear friend, Carley. She was my graphic designer professor (we were the same age) many moons and martinis ago, and we immediately connected. We would frequent the now-defunct ZaZa in Cleveland Heights after night class — many, many relationship mishaps were discussed over Herb Scores (my favorite martini on the list). Be that as it may, she moved out of state for her career, but we remained friends. She is the most awesome. And she married a Czech, which gives us lots of conversation about traveling, Absinthe and Becherovka.

If you like what you read, perhaps you can request she add you on her totally private blog. Keeping with the topic of vacation, here is a (drunken, I’m sure) recap of her recent Christmas spent in the Czech Republic.


I traveled to Czech Republic for Christmas with my husband. He was born there, and his entire family still lives in this tiny town, Karvina, on the other side of the country from Prague. It was his first time home for the Holidays in about 12 years. So this was a pretty special event.

The flight was miserable, long, and 3 fucking connections of hell. Never mind the 6-hour time change, and being awake for 23 hours. We hit the bars as soon as we got our suitcases to mom’s flat! Oh dear god, a premise for the rest of the week. Have a beer, and a wine. The beer is your water. The wine is to chase your shot. Oh, I’m fucked. Are you kidding me. My tolerance is about 2 dirty martinis. And that’s after a big meal! Excellent night!

If you want to travel to a country where people are kind, and will take you into their home. Visit! I don’t think the place has an exceptional tourist rap, but who gives a shit. The food is heavy, rich, and deep fried goodness. Everything is home-made. Families and friends are so warm. They welcome me with open arms, and I can’t even speak the language beyond pivo, víno, káva, sýr, prosím, děkuji. (beer, wine, coffee, cheese, please, thank you.)

Here is the kicker. When you visit. These tiny and totally adorable little shot glasses are place in front of everyone. HARMLESS! Baaah! I can take 20 of those little babies, and walk a straight line. Wait? What is that? Moonshine? You guys make your own booze….um? wow. Impressive, and terrifying. Is this legal? Yes? Oh…. so… it’s like vodka, right? Sort of, what does “sort of” mean?

Let me tell you what “sort of” fucking means. It means 50%-60% spirits stilled from plums. You can’t even get anything over 50% in the states. Real Absinthe is 70-73%. Our vodkas run about 30% in the States. Ahhhh Slivo.

When we visit friends here you get a coffee, water, maybe a beer. In CZ it’s a shot for hello. A shot because you choked on the first shot. A third shot because you are starting to feel pretty tough. Not noticing that you are the only one with slurred speech. By the 5th shot, it’s been a couple hours of poorly spoken Check-lish. And it’s time to visit another Aunt and Uncle! They are waiting! Let us go say hi, just for a minute….

Shit, they have the shot glasses out and filled as we walk in the door…2 more cousins to visit tonight!

Hull-ov-a Vacation!


Live video (of my backside)


From WKYC: Video here


(I wish I would have done my hair)


Live blogging election night!


I’ll be interrupting your normal dating and single-something pleasure, by donating my web space to election results tonight.

I’ll be live blogging tonight at WKYC through twitter and our live chat courtesy of the station — on assignment as your Sex & Politics Correspondent from Political Science 216.

Follow my twitter updates.

*ed. note: the “live blogging” portion of things didn’t connect, but being able to obtain instant updates from news organizations via twitter and the web to post back through our live interactive feed and our personal twitter accounts was an amazing addition to the election night experience! Thanks WKYC — and to Twitter for not crashing on us that night!

Twitter run-down:

This is by far one of the most amazing feelings that i have ever experienced.
ponders insignificant matters, after an extraordinary day. Like, do I kill this giant spider in my bedroom?
is so exhausted from a long and amazing day.
is officially a live TV dork.
rt @MichaelLehto Ohio has gone blue, without even counting cuyahoga! #votereport #clevote08
should be live WKYC at 11:15-ish. i cannot do live TV
CNN says Barack is elected President
CNN officially predicts West Virginia
Dems clinch Senate majority:…
rt @Mostar John Stewart to Colbert: “What are you twittering?” Colbert: “TWEETS.”
reproductive issues (msnbc): BREAKING NEWS: S.D. abortion ban defeated; Colo. rejects defining fertilization as start of human life
Iowa goes to Obama as well.
WKYC bloggers live:…
Barack and Roll: OHIO!!
rt: Nader conceding.
195-76 Obama
media reporting that Obama has OH #clevote08
it’s very blue in New England!
tweeting @lawdog: just spoke to Jane Platten and they are still counting absentee ballots
Issue 6 is 60 no /40 yes right now (casino)
sounds like a fun street party in Cleveland:
remember Cuyahoga:
Barack and Roll: Obama takes Delaware
rt @mostar Cuyahoga County is showing up BLUE!
ha. that live feed makes my comp drag
Where is George Nemeth? Maybe he got stuffed in the wrong ballot box.
You can see me here live :…
RT @michaellehto High voter turnout. Tom Brokaw calls it the ‘end of apathy’ #clevote08
is at WKYC, live blogging election results.
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