Today was a beautiful roll-down-all-the-windows day. But something was missing. I had work bag, purse, Esteban, my cell phone, water bottle, debit card — my mind is always questionable. Then I figured it out. I was missing my Journey’s Greatest Hits CD. The CD that always sat in the disk six position in my changer. And I know exactly where it is.
IN MY EX-BOYFRIEND’S FUCKING CD HOLDER!
Stupid fucktard borrowed it and never returned it to my car stereo. Today was a requisite morning commute to a Journey soundtrack, and he ruined it.
But while we’re “going there,” and I probably have his attention, there are a few other things conveniently missing from my life:
1. I’ll re-iterate said Journey CD. This pisses me off. You probably scratched it up because you always threw it on top of the stereo with no sleeve. You owe me a new copy.
2. Wheatus CD. This is one of my favorite CDs in my collection, since hearing “Teenage Dirtbag” way back in 1999 or something. Yes, I could buy a used copy for $0.93 on Amazon, but I’m a stingy bastard.
4. I am missing a spoon in my flatware set. It looks nothing like your cheap spoons, so you would easily recognize it. It’s also a discontinued setting. Sounds unreasonably bitchy, but I hate mismatched silverware.
5. Tupperware lids — You still cannot understand that plastic goes on the TOP SHELF of the dishwasher, which is why yours all get warped. So, on second thought, keep them.
6. Camera. My dad bought me a digital Nikon camera last Christmas. Brand new, it cost about $240. My last camera lasted me about five years. Nikon say it’s $80 to fix. Fix, you say? I took less than two years of pictures because you’re a big dumb oaf and dropped it in Brussels. When you OFFER to replace/repair something, you do it. You don’t break up with them two months later and feel redeemed of owing any past debt. Send me a check, you fucking dick.
All these items fit into kindly into any USPS envelope (padded please). You know my address. Don’t bother e-mailing me because your filter is set straight to the trash folder.
GAWD. Bad morning.
While I’m spending way too much time on griping about former douchebags, maybe I should explore more, the “items left behind”:
“L”: I tried multiple times to contact him to get my stuff back. He “pancaked” me and practically dropped off the face of Cleveland. I still REALLY miss my $200 camel suede boots. Seriously. And I left a few pieces of jewelry. And a shit-ton of other clothing items. WTF? Bastard. He easily could have packed everything up and shipped it to me. Although I’m sure he probably just let his next whore have everything. Ew. I will rip those boots off her, so help me, if I see them!
Zoolander: Darn it to heck. I had a really cute British flag belt and some pajama sets left with him. *sigh*
SSD: Actually, just one that I remember — a flowy sleeve tunic-length top from Express. I looked seriously hot in it. What did he do? Throw it out when his GIRLFRIEND moved in? Fucker.
Most importantly, house and dog. Leaving a place where I lived (and enjoyed floating on the pool every summer morning when I didn’t work) was difficult. There was really never any legal “that’s mine” ownership to the property, but I miss being that Suzy Homemaker. And I miss my dog sleeping in my bed more than anything, but I could never take him away.
OK, hormone reset. I think I just burned through an entire woman cycle in one morning.
Guys, why the hell do you keep our stuff?
Update: Club Douche that I dated in my early 20s still has my Wayne’s World VHS tapes. I don’t even have a VCR anymore, but I thought it was worth mentioning.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:06 am
wow - I think I felt flames coming through the computer screen on that one!
check yer email
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:37 am
Hello Wednesday morning to you!
I’ve never been one to leave any possessions at a boy’s house. I don’t take sweatshirts/pants to wear. Just never been that way.
I mean, not even a toothbrush!
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:27 am
I always think of it this way, sometimes it’s better to lose all of my stuff than to stay with some worthless asshole. On another note, LA Angels “fans” are total ASSHOLES!!!!
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Hmmm. Quite often, for both guys and girls (more with guys? Don’t know about that), I think it is that they don’t realize what stuff of yours they still have. Especially if they are the one ending the relationship, usually one of the(if not THE) reasons is that they don’t care about you enough anymore. If they don’t care about you personally, how much are they going to care about some random CD of yours or some other broken promise (like I’ll pay to fix your camera)? Are they going to care enough to both remember and go to the trouble of getting the stuff back to you? Unlikely.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Stupid boys. I had an ex bring my stuff back one article at a time over like a 4 month period. It was excruciating. I guess be thankful you don’t have to pull up to your house each day anticipating another kroger bag hanging on your door knob with your used spatula in it. Stupid boys.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:01 am
Harper’s Mom - I had a break up like that. Although I was hoping for JUST THE BAG ON THE DOOR as I had asked. No, douche was sitting in front of my door waiting for me. BLECH.
David - Ouch.
Vanessa - So are the baseball players. LOL
Allison - Is that considered commitment issues?
Matt - you totally rock my socks off right now! You are AWESOME!
July 25th, 2008 at 2:59 am
Sometimes the absence of things gives them more meaning than their presence.
That may not apply in your case, but perhaps a belated perspective change may help prepare things for the future. *smiles*
July 25th, 2008 at 7:31 am
TIMMY! Have you been lurking? I haven’t heard from you in a while.