Ew. Found an e-mail that I sent to a friend at the beginning Mr. Waffles:
Subject: You deserve it!
I think you deserve a big “thank you” from me today. Yeah, I know it’s early on with whatever status our relationship is and all that crap, but I feel as though meeting him means there are wonderful people out there just perfect for me.
I about melted when he told me Saturday night how happy he felt with me… and how scared it made him (he may have given up a lot of himself when he was drunk — ha!). Wow! And I think his friends may have called me his “girl… friend.”He is such an amazing person. Thanks for introducing us!
And… LIES!
Here’s what I think post-Waffles to my friend*:
Subject: Ew. Ew. Ew. I threw up in my mouth. And not because he shoved it too far down my throat.
I was reflecting a bit on my relationship with Mr. Waffles. It wasn’t recently (the reflection), as I have complete fits of ball-cutting rage every time I think about him now. Weeks ago, I was forcing myself to remember not to drunk text him… again. Today, my face winces in almost pain as to figure out why the fuck I was wasting my time with such a loser. Before. During. Or after. Did I really need to succumb to repeat temptations of “but I don’t want to end up alone” by means of settling for less than what I am worth?
Oh, he put on the blinders of kindness and promise of good sex, as they all do, but in the end, he could quite possibly be one of the most boring people in whom I have wasted my vagina. See? He makes me so blinded by red anger, I can’t even tell if that sentence is grammatically correct! I know why he was “scared” now too. He gave me a 45-minute rendition of all that not-really-pertaining-to-me stuff during his break-up speech. Uh, what about me?
Please. I beg of you — I’m a busy girl, with simple needs. Do not set me up with any more of your friends until you are certain they are truly mature man enough (yeah, I went there) for an adult relationship of sorts. I mean, even if that meaningless relationship is purely “with benefits” written at the end to it, at the very least let me know what my expectations should be. Or at least let me pretend I am a lesbian with your female friends. Because that’s about how close I would like that “girl…friend” word to be.
And for the record, he was most definitely not perfect (or wonderful or amazing). Beyond the red flags, I read DAMAGED stickers all over him. In fact, I’m fairly certain that was his myspace mood before I deleted him as a “friend.”
Although I may be a drunk (guilty as he charged), I am definitely not the crazy person in all this (I got your crazy).
*My friend, I love her. And I wanted to make her laugh because the situation is awkward, to say the least.
