PT: Gift Guide

While the post office and UPS dictate it is far too late for potential online presents to invade your body cavities for the naughty holiday known as Christmas, if you order today, you and partner can spread some… ahem, “joy” next Tuesday. You know, the only truly important day of the week.

Behind getting laid every day, OF COURSE.

Some gift tips. And just the tip:

Women love candles. ‘specially penis candles.

While every woman would prefer her husband/boyfriend/man maid to have a big penis, some girlfriends — while seemingly perfect on the outside — are harboring the (non)painful truth of 3 inches in the bedroom. *le sigh* Rub it in a little with The Big Penis Book.

Because Christmas is also about jealousy and guilt trips.

Oh, and boredom. Here’s an activity book to keep you occupied through Midnight Mass. But not for the kiddos because there are ENOUGH creepy priests “uncles” in this church.

Sweet ol’ Aunt Bettie made cookies (again) this year. Can that woman ever get Gingerbread right? Tempt that lady with a little Cookie Sutra to make next year’s holiday haps more adult friendly.

Because where there’s ADULTS ONLY family room, there is ADULTS ONLY drinking table. Drink up, drink up, the ENTIRE family’s here. Oh, look, Uncle Carl brought WINE! Penis. Wine?! Yeah. Chin down.

“And put your dick down too!”

Now, everyone is tipsy and poking fun at the sister who does NOT prefer a brown banana. (If you know what I mean).

No, what?!

“Shut up and grab me some candy off the buffet table.”

And some of that candy lube thingymajigger…

Send all your guests home with some chocolates to remember Christmases… ahem, come and gone.

But don’t let Granny get “run over” by any reindeer.

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