I am the proud bearer of Long-distance Relationships. Why this seems to plague me since being classified as “single” a few years back, is beyond my understanding. But now I am inherently the woman that seems to not meet a guy that actually lives in Cleveland: SSD lives in Cincinnati — where I made the trek time-and-time again because I felt as if he was worth the drive, save for the fact if he came to Cleveland I would have to compete with his college buddies. And in the case of L, who lived in Cleveland temporarily while playing baseball as his occupation, but had two homes — both in the New England area. Then there was Okie — met in Cleveland, named as such because he was from Oklahoma. Even 10SD wasn’t originally from the NEO area, only staying for work after graduating from a local university, but required unnaturally-grown-up sessions from his family on a regular basis. (I still have never dated a guy that spoke to his mother as often as 10SB, and I used to live across the street from my future mother-in-law). Blah, blah, blah — more unworthiness to not be mentioned — for the most part, I have grossly ignored LDR potentials. Until recently, upon meeting HG.
Obviously, if you meet someone that you feel is worth it, it works — you make certain sacrifices and you MAKE it work. While it may seem uber-cheesy, I love that feeling of missing someone. More so, after being separated, seeing that person for the first time in a sum of days/weeks/whatever. Nothing replaces that “I missed you” hug. Nothing. Not even the miss-you sexual escapades that may or may not occur immediately afterward. The genuine smile you admire is a close second.
A former ex-long-distance suitor (in his break-up speech) told me that we were always on our best behavior while seeing each other or on “vacation mode” as I believe his words resounded. But what he really wanted was to see me on a random Tuesday after work — casual, normal life with maybe a real fight or two. He seemed to mostly consider the long distance as a negative. I craved/needed/loved him from afar — and subsequently acted on my best behavior when we saw each other on every-other weekends. I never really considered the negative aspect of that, as I prompted the “this should be more serious” talk… in person, and we made a mutual agreement to both make an effort. Ironically, the day he broke up with me was a scheduled surprise meet-up during the week.
While long-distance relationships are not for everyone, in a lot of instances, I find them perfect.
An important positive is the essence of space. I figure this to be an issue of both genders, as nobody desires to be smothered. Even if I live with someone, I require a certain amount of space. And please, save me all the negative connotations regarded to “space.” I enjoy unwinding (massage, anyone?) for about a half hour when I enter my home - a kiss hello is good, but I don’t want to relive my last 9 hours of shit before I even hang up my coat. I love my lazy off-days spent in my smelly flannel pajamas in front of the computer writing or whatever-the-fuck-I-want without someone giving me shit about alcohol sweats. I consider myself mostly a neat freak — possibly borderline OCD - but if I decide to not pick up my clothes or my slipper socks or keep shoes by the front door… well, I just don’t want someone giving. me. shit. The way I look at it, I have been living my life fine as is for the course of adulthood. I am also adult enough to ask for help if I need it. Space is natural for someone that has been subjected to independence for a majority of her adult life. And in long-distance relationships, you maintain a certain level of that independence.
In the scope of relationship flow, being in long-distance prevents me from becoming too-psycho-too-soon. I find myself quickly and incredibly attached (and possibly needy) when dating someone in whom I really like. Most (immature) men freak out and bail. When the boyfriend lives “not here” there is possibility of a more natural flow of really getting to know the other person, albeit through text, phone and email. Conversational skills are a must in this situation. And being that last phone call before bed is a reminder of who you want to dream about — and how important you are.
Drama is kept to a minimum because of limited visitations. And with that, you have an immense trust in another person. The trust is different and intense - it’s all-or-nothing — no time for the degrading bullshit of misappropriated looks at big boobs with bleached-blond hair or part-time girlfriends half your age. You either take words for worth, or not. You are in control of whether you trust or not, and at what capacity. This is exceptionally difficult at the initial onset of a budding dating situation — when you barely know someone — and this is where trust and naiveté need to coexist.
Tomorrow, cons.
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November 29th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
when Kelly and I first started dating it was via long distance I think it allowed us a really nice opportunity to get know each better before the physical aspects of our relationship were in place. distance really does make the heart grow fonder. good thing for all this technology now back in the day writting letters to someone even though that is very sweet that just would not cut it for me.
November 30th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Yep. I too am a serial long-distance dater. When the Modern Beau and I found ourselves living in the same city after three and a half years, I thought we were going to kill each other over lack of space. Fortunately we adjusted.
November 30th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
[...] like to start this particular post off with a plug for Mel, who takes a look at the pros and cons of long distance relationships via a two-parter post on her [...]