Oh, the dreamy places you’ll go!

I had a dream last night where someone asked me how many people I’ve been in love with. In my dream, I answered, “Five.”

I really hate dreams about ex-boyfriends.

While seemingly a fair number (I remember even in my subconscious state having to think about it), there are obvious “mutations” of what constitutes “love” depending on a variety of factors. Even if the words were never said to one another. For instance, what I considered to be “in love” ten years ago is quite different as I see it today. Also, I completely and whole-heartedly agree that you can love more than one person at the same time. What can I say; my heart is just that big. And so is my penis. Seriously, wanna see it?

If that number were true, however, my “five” would be (in no particular order, but giving my CURRENT boyfriend the number #1 position only seems… properly credited):

1. AB
2. HSS
3. The Fiance
4. SSD
5. 10SB

My, I’ll be pissed at myself (or sure to hear about it) if there is someone I forgot to be included as part of this list.

AB: Enough said, right? I mean, I only talk about him ALL THE TIME. And how incredible of a person he is — and how incredible of a person he’s made ME. Without a doubt, the truest and most sincere of true loves to be had. I’m very lucky.

HSS: The High School Sweetheart. The “first love.” The volatile, young, passionate, ANGRY, kill-for-him kind of love. We dated (on-and-off) for… about six years. Somewhere in my aging, I actually forgot how long we dated. Since the summer before our senior year in high school (yes, he was my senior prom date), until some time in my early 20s. If you had a high school boyfriend, you KNOW how difficult it is to let this person go — physically and emotionally. The truth is (regardless of the cheating vengeance between the two of us), we grew apart, and it was hard for both of us to admit it. I’m happy to call him my friend today — and see him (finally) in a healthy relationship with someone who seemingly complements him well.

The Fiance: And just as soon as you finally realize you need to let someone go, another comes into the picture to remind you of what love is all about. I admit, it’s still strange to imagine myself with a FIANCE. I moved in with this guy three weeks after meeting him, and I wasn’t more sure of ANYTHING in my life. We endured a long, committed, healthy and open relationship for almost three years. But about a year in, a tragedy occurred that caused an emotional rift — and eventual distance. It was never really the same. The engagement happened long after we fell slowly apart, separated, I moved out, and we once again reconnected. At the time, and almost immediately, engagement seemed to be the right thing to do (and to prove to others that we were SERIOUS this time). As you know, this is NO reason to get engaged, let alone get married. We fell apart again soon after (and I had to move my stuff out AGAIN).

SSD was the acronym for his job (followed by the word “dude”). I never told him that I loved him, although I had a good friend who made SURE he knew after our emotionally-charged, messy, I-want-to-drive-off-a-bridge “break up”… and I think I sent him a letter. Anyways, we had no labels; we never talked about the status of the relationship — we only had fun. We were long distance, so every time we were together, only the best of memories were created. And in the moment, I was all for it. It was… perfect. Especially, in that I could “keep” my own life. That is, until it was over. And then I realized how big a part he was of it. And it was DEVASTATING. Especially considering that I spent probably one year too many in something that was never even defined. The details are still fuzzy to me, but he didn’t think I was serious about him (I probably wasn’t IN THEORY, but in my heart, I was), and those feelings were much of how I felt about HIM. Ain’t that a recipe for dating disaster?

To be honest, I struggled back-and-forth at my inclusion of 10SB. I was in a miserable part of life, and looking to cling to anything (or anyone, rather) who gave me the chance — and the right amount of attention. It was a horrible, horrible relationship, based on the mind of a woman (ahem, me) who just was not in a good or confident place in her life. That’s not to discount “what we had” (even though, in my mind, he’s still a total, irrational… dick), but I certainly learned a lot from that experience. Most of all, about what I want and need in a compatible partnership. That, sadly, was just not it.

How many LOVES would you put on your list?

Photo credit: rustman, courtesy of flickr.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.