Mel’s 12 Days of Christmas Gifts Guide for your Lady Friends

I’ve been asked for ideas* for holiday presents this season for females**, so sing along with me***:

On the first day of Christmas my boyfriend bought for me Murad Hydrating Toner… *cough* or Mineralize MAC shadow! Boys, raid your ladies’ medicine cabinets and see which of her favorite products are running low. Bonus: sparkly shadows are make-up bag pleasers, and the MAC shadow suggested is a perfect complement for those date nights you promised as part of your Couple Resolutions for the new year.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me: a manner of stress relief that didn’t involve massaging… your penis. But while we’ve got your attention on holistic health services, a massage (followed by facial, followed by pedicure) sounds abfab in the most non-pervy sort of way. Preferably at a place that serves me champagne and a steam bath. And a limo ride home. Heh. If your “friend” spends her money on more sensible objects like, say, alcohol, she probably won’t treat herself to spa services. Enter: Ladies & Gentlemen, an all around local fave (plus they’re paid handsomely that they don’t accept tips, which I think is doubly-awesome for gift giving — it’s been a couple years, and I hope this is still true!). AND there are two east side locations, you know, so by selecting Legacy Village, there’s more a chance that she won’t run into any weird acquaintances from Memorial Junior High school. Tip: Hopefully by now, you recognize your woman’s salon — call them up. Guaranteed someone will refer a great selection of regular (or splurge) services she requests.

On the third day of Christmas my computer geek emailed to me: something awesomely geeky. While I can’t find these specific panties sold locally, a small additional gag gift for a woman with a sense of humor works every time. “For what?” I hear you ask. Well, a reminder how hilarious you are (you know, that whole women like a man who’s funny thing. Oh, you forgot that part of courting already. Well, you need to complete this part of your gal’s Wish List ASAP). Local suggestion: Big Fun (TWO locations: Coventry & Cleveland/Lakewood border). Remember the silliness of her NKOTB obsession — I’m sure there’s a boxed 80s Jordan Knight doll for that. Star Trek geek — oh, they definitely have you covered.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my Man Around the House cooked up for me: *gasp* Michael. Symon. and Chef Sawyer Chef School. Sure, cooking schools have been around, but for the foodie in your heart, these two hottie chefs present a gift idea for the new generation, regardless of the lady of the house’s experience level (hey, watching someone cook is a skill too!). And, frankly, looking at hot (ahem, married) chefs doesn’t hurt a meal. Call your local favorite restaurant and check out what special dinners or classes are offered.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my lover wrapped for meeeeeee: lessons to be learrrnnnned! So, speaking of lessons, has your sig other talked about ballroom dancing lessons (*choke*) or perhaps learning the tango (*swoon*)? Maybe she could benefit from a few months of paid lessons from a local instructor to learn more than just that same freaking song. Longing for the days of piano recitals and relearning your classical repertoire? Shit, if money and space isn’t an option, surprise! It’s an antique piano! I’m sure you catch my musical drift.

And on the sixth day of xmas my true love made for me? Hahah. No, silly, he BOUGHT handmade for me: the cutest handmade scarf ever seen! Search etsy for local handmade or visit CLE events like Bizarre Bazaar or the Made in the 216 holiday shop. Girl not into handmade? Go vintage for classic accessories. My obsession is vintage coats and cardigans (and old rhinestone necklaces and silk scarves and hats…). Do a small bit of research on sizes (vintage runs different than modern sizes!!). Start with these shops: Suite Lorain or Busy Broad.

Am I on the 7th Day of Christmas? Um, yes, gift cert to Voodoo Monkey, please. You know, for my geeky code tattoo. Added bonus: if your woman is a Melt-fanatic (who isn’t?!), help design a grilled cheese tattoo for $25 off, courtesy of VooDoo Monkey artists. And well, we all know the cult following — the gift that keeps on giving: 25% off Melt grilled cheese for LIFE. Just as permanent as the tattoo. And hopefully, as you.

On the eighth day straight of drinking spiked egg nog, my boy toy bought for me: a CLE-made iPhone appstand. Holy crap — be still my ever-gadget-lovin’ heart! I have so many ideas for its use in our apartment, it makes my head spin: an ever-changing digital photo frame to show off all my Facebook fans, set up to read online recipes while in the kitchen, narcisstically showing off my awesome new iPhone version of my website. Oh, you didn’t know? Seriously, grab your smartphone and check it out. Awesome, right?

On the ninth day of Christmas, my non-book-reading boyfriend gave to me: Yes. It’s a $100 (used) book. Shut up. Local bookstores can likely order it just the same. Be that as it may, stalk her Amazon wishlist. There’s a reason for it. But support one of the many FABULOUS local bookstores in Cleveland, if available.

Dear Santa, Day #10: still craving cheese. Ohio cheeses: MacKenzie Creamery habanera goat. Heini’s Vidalia onion. Guggisberg baby swiss. Yes, as much as I drooled over the “Cheese of the Month Club” in Williams-Sonoma, knowing where my dairy comes from (and especially knowing their practices) is important. I’ll leave my fancy imported cheese porn for my next dinner with the maître fromage at L’Albatros.

On the eleventh day of damn-my-freaking-nipples-are-falling-off, my tent buddy bought for me: awesome outdoor activity gifts. There’s kayaking (certain classes are available to ready your skills for the open waters in Spring), horseback riding (RR stables), snowmobiling (*sigh* WTF?! I still cannot find a local renter of snowmobiles. I don’t get it – there are trails, but no equipment available to rent in the area. More people in Cleveland must enjoy the snowy trails as much as I do! I just don’t have the storage space for a snowmobile). It’s Winter in Cleveland — Hell may freeze over, but the lake doesn’t… completely. You want a Red Rider BB gun? I want a Red Ryder sled.

And (thankfully) on the final effin’ day of Chrismahanukwanza my significant other shared with me: a museum membership. Dating an art major (Become a member of Cleveland Museum of Art) or hankering for a history buff (The Nature League is a GREAT member group of The Cleveland Museum of Natural History). Does your marriage need a little more rockin‘? Perhaps your Best Friend’s Girl is an independent or international film freak (CIA Cinematheque)? Passion breeds passion. *wink*

*please adapt accordingly to your girlfriend/FWB/wife/favorite Diamond’s stripper.

**males are next! I’ll have 12 gift ideas for the men in our life, courtesy of AB.

***but really, don’t sing. I hate Christmas music.

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