A rant from a hormonal lady who needs to get laid.

Posted by Mel on Mar 30, 2011 in Fuck Him! | 15 comments

Every once in a while, this blog gets moody. Blame PMS (but not this week!) or the general nature of following an aging, hormonal 30-something with a bitchy streak. But today, this post has a little of the sad. And a whole lot of intoxicating influences.

Also, I have to give credit to Kitten Kaboom for encouraging me to post this after her recent emotional post. I agree, that you rarely read about the lesser-than-awesome parts of a blogger’s life. But we’re human, right? And some of us need the outlet…

Our weekend together started off nice enough. We made some wonderful connections, courtesy of a happy hour meet-up on Friday. We had some good eats (courtesy of the amazing Elements restaurant downtown). And made some nice new friends.

And then, as the crowd dispersed, and we went our separate ways (to a bar to watch boring basketball and losers Ohio State), AB & I started on some financial talk… um, the gist: I’ve been a bit bad on my budgeting and had a whole bunch of account transfers this past month.

I’ve had some lingering self-esteem issues, to which I attribute mostly from my starting to work for myself last year. I mean, for the most part I’ve been wholly independent and self-sufficient (financially) since I worked my first job at age 14. But the last five years were especially good — I bought my own condo, traveled whenever, bought WHATEVER I WANTED (regardless of my partnership), etc. etc. that “financially-comfortable professionals” feel necessary to brag about. I guess you could say I’m still adjusting to my current situation, with not having NEAR as much “personal” money to play, regardless of my personal and professional successes. And cohabiting further makes me feel MORE guilty for spending money on myself, when I should maybe (just maybe) be putting more towards our joint living expenses. Especially when your significant other places an account activity print-out on the table, with all of the “unknown” transfers highlighted in yellow.

*sigh*

But there are also other sources: for one, my birthday is approximately six weeks away (again), and while I didn’t mind much turning 30, I’m having some trouble comprehending that I’m already encroaching 34. It’s, like, the age that I am finally realizing its transformations (and the untimely exodus from another age bracket). I’m starting to look older in pictures. My make-up or cleansing regimen isn’t “working” anymore. I have hormones. A LOT OF THEM. And my insurance covers, well, close to nothing related to my female parts.

My body is morphing into something I don’t recognize — mostly because of roller derby in an awesome, totally fit, “thank you for the nice ass” sort of way — but changes, nonetheless. I hate nearly everything in my closet because I feel it too resembles my past, rather than my “growth” or current personal style. I hate how my face looks — in any kind of lighting. I hate when I am lethargic and crave breakfast cereal and nachos, knowing FULL WELL this is not healthy eating. I hate that my boyfriend and I are experiencing what could only be described as a “two-year slump.” That, am I’m still lingering over some anger of him talking to someone he just met about something very, very private to US. I was — and am — not pleased in the slightest. And that situation has me somewhat upside-down — like, a broken trust. So I end up internalizing everything, further perpetuating this idea that I am worthless, unsexy… and old. It’s a horribly depressing, defeating feeling. And not having an outlet DOESN’T HELP. And GUESS WHAT — I’m officially at the age that this shit doesn’t go away. So… yay me!

Yep, I had one of “those” breakdowns, which I suppose any female needs (or cannot prevent) from time-to-time. But, it resulted in me crying in the bar when talking about “permissions” for purchases. And then, me uncontrollably sobbing, locked in our apartment bathroom, until I nearly fell asleep in the bathtub.

Basically, these imbalanced hormones need to fucking go. I want my tubes tied and my egg hatchers removed, since I obviously cannot manage their effects any longer. And on days like today, I request a penis instead. But… extra-body-parts-that-would-only-lend-to-more-sexual-confusion aside, it would be nice once in a while to hear MY awesomely-fit derby ass complimented rather than some skanky random walking past in a bar on her way to… I don’t know, “ho it up.”

Male gender, take note: if your partner seems more nagging or bitchy or distant than usual, think about the last time you had sex with her (but after you got that image of her having a penis out of your head). Likely, she might just wants to feel wanted.

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Jess

speaking as someone in the midst of (but hopefully moving up out of) a 2yr slump, do you think it’d be too “IN HIS FACE” to print this out and tape it to his bathroom mirror?

http://pursuitofyourboyfriend.com/ Mel

I was thinking a lot less aggressive, and more infamously passive-aggressive — emailing him a link to the post.

The Modern Gal

Money is enough to make anyone’s hormones go nuts. Or penis.

I hear ya, lady. The worst part of growing older is not the extra responsibility we end up with but the realization that we can’t ignore it all and hope it goes away. I think you’re hot, and I hope AB reminds you of that too.
Kelly

If you’ve got an extra $50 a pop to spend, acupuncture can do wonders for the hormonal side of things! David at the Birch Center is a magician!!

http://pursuitofyourboyfriend.com/ Mel

Interesting… I’m curious.

Kelly

Seriously you should give it a shot, it’s $200 for 4 sessions. I go there for hormonal issues myself, usually twice/month. It’s crazy hippie shit but somehow it works! Plus you can make an appt via email and its all very non-scary. I am totally a convert.
http://www.birchcenter.com/

(This is Phil from beerby’s wife btw, I met you at Bocktown a few months ago?)

JB

In my humble opinion, a financial conversation now is much better than a financial disaster later. Finance is the number one reason for divorce for a reason….and let’s face it, you two are married.

AB (haha) is probably much like myself, calculated in his (and now both of your) finances in hopes of retiring on a beach house instead of a beach blanket. We mean no harm with our Draconian financial processes…..in fact, we wouldn’t have those conversations with you if you weren’t someone we wanted to spend a long time with.
Vanessa

Adding or subtracting hormones doesn’t help… the fact that you are exercising does for sure. Also, perhaps some sort of relaxing activity like Yoga or seeing a “counseler” to talk with. I have the same issues. I am approaching 37 – I feel like I look old in pictures and within a couple of years my son, who has been my roomate for almost 19 years, will be leaving me alone for the first time since I was 17. It is VERY good to vent, cry and punch the nearest soft thing you can….but understand this is all “normal,” you are still more beautiful than women 15 years younger than you, plus you’re super smart and have a great family and boyfriend. You are extremely lucky and need to start dwelling on the posistive as much as you dwell on the negative and before you know it things will turn around. I know it sounds cliche – but this too shall pass. I would rather have my mood swings and double chin than the issues I had at 26 any day! Good luck girlie and stay positive!!!

http://pursuitofyourboyfriend.com/ Mel

I’m pleased with myself that, for the most part, I am a positive person. But I’m surprised (and not pleased) by how that natural wall of happy can be torn down. And I think that’s why it affects me so hard. Thanks, girl.

http://www.sarahsphar.com Sarah S.

Money issues are awful. They take a toll on you. My changing face is bugging me, too. I mind it a lot more than I would like. But I will say that there’s something awesome about your 30s because while that stuff never stops mattering, it matters in a different way. I look how I look because of the life I’ve lived. It’s not perfect but it’s mine.

As for the clothes, find a style consultant to come clean out your closet with you and recommend some pieces that will better reflect who you are now. If that’s too pricey right now and you don’t have a friend (or friend of a friend) who will do it gratis/at a reduced rate, ask if someone will do it in exchange for the publicity. Pitch the story somewhere. (Then you solve two problems.)

Sorry things are hard right now.

http://pursuitofyourboyfriend.com/ Mel

Thanks, Sarah. And great idea on the consultant — I actually know someone in Pittsburgh who might be able to help me with this.

I wish I could pretend like these are not issues all that important to me because sometimes I feel it’s so… vain. And I don’t consider myself that sort of person.

Nonetheless, it’s there. And some days, it sucks.

Erin

*sad face*
From someone who has met you face to face, I personally find you to be a totally awesome incredibly talented chick. You have accomplished things that this (much older – ahem) individual would never have the courage to even try!
That being said. I hear ya, sister. The hormones, they are nasty little things, and we all have to overcome their naggy influences and their stupid little devil voices whispering in your ear that you are worthless and whatnot. They are evil. Pure eeeeevil. SO, I know that my above comment, although completely true, likely cannot overcome their terrible influence.
Financial issues are a common topic in our household as well, even after 11 years. We overcame a brutal 2 year slump and came out for the way better on the other end. SO, you can be happy that you are both addressing these issues now, and learning each others boundaries at this point. Although one of the less delightful stages in a relationship, it is still one of the necessary ones.
Well, that, and enduring the opera…..
Also, it is worth noting, that I was so nervous meeting you the first time, because I thought that you would think I was a dork.

http://pursuitofyourboyfriend.com/ Mel

OMG, I’m, like, the biggest dork on the planet! Perhaps that’s why we hit it off so well.

http://kittenkaboom.wordpress.com/ Kitten

I once fell asleep crying in a closet…so I feel ya

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjWn-ueeeLw

http://profiles.google.com/clevelandpoet jimi remick

I’d like to clarify that her falling asleep in a closet crying had nothing to do with me. I wasn’t even in the picture at the time.

also I find it helps if I send her a 50/50 mix of creeper and sweet random texts. so you know I’ll send early in the day: miss you pretty girl and then later on I’ll send “go to the bathroom and text me a pic of your boobs.”