How to lose 600 calories while you read.

Daily, I’m reminded by MSN homepage or Yahoo Lifestyles the many “Duh-I-already-knew-that” ways in which to burn through the garbage calories from those two extra (bags of) jellybeans and the Organic 73% dark cocoa bar from Trader Joe’s.

My solution doesn’t involve jump ropes, treadmills or excessive amounts of sweating… wait, never mind, it does:

HAVE MORE SEX.

Who needs inappropriate touching stretching exercises from a perversely ambiguous Fitworks personal trainer?

Ladies, even FAKING an orgasm will net you 160 calories, albeit I’d rather go with the real thing at a hairless 27. Hairless? I meant “a hair less”… Geesh.

15 minutes of oral sex will burn off that extra glass of wine you had with a particularly bad dinner date. And ahem, why did you bring him home again? Oh yes, the oral sex calorie burning thing… But remember to add 5 calories back in, for the vanilla pudding you decided on for dessert.

Caution — bad sex burns about one calorie. Add in another 30-50 calories for your ten-block Walk of Shame.

I found no distinct calorie burning stat on having sex in the shower (standing or otherwise), but good to know if my man is about a foot taller than me, we will burn up to 180 calories in a two-for-one Standing Up Sex special. Go directly to jail, I found a drink recipe for Sex in the Shower. Ingredients do not include any added  protein.

While men may burn more than 150 calories attempting to have sex with your Tiny Wang, well, half that time was wasted just trying to figure out if it was in yet.

More fun here and here.

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