Oh, so now it’s the last minute and essentially you’re fucked. But I’m going to share this gift guide with you anyway. So… CONGRATS! You survived long enough to not get dumped before Christmas. I mean, no man is that much of a dick he’d dump you the day before a holiday and after all the gifts are purchased, right?
Men’s gifts come in three easy shopping categories:
Likewise, these categories fit into three various stages of relationship:
HAVE TO HAVE EVERY NEW GADGET
A gadget guy this season wants anything that includes the words: handheld, 3D, Blu-ray, Sonos, or iPhone. Think in terms of device or electronic accessory (and if he’s a Mac Head or an Android Ass), and spend according to aforementioned Status of Relationship and individual budgetary concerns. PS: If one or both of you is employed, then FUCK CHRISTMAS, and go cuddle kitties at the animal shelter.
Unsure: get him one of those 3-in-1 USB sync-n-charger thingie-do-hicker or a car phone charger.
Holiday Togetherness: he’s probably been drooling over the likes of a Roku or Mac Mini. MAYBE YOU CAN FINALLY CANCEL CABLE AND SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER! Or a Bluetooth iPad keyboard.
Fuck Him: a Garmin
Credit: dklimke via flickr
SURE I’LL COOK FOR YOU
The home chef will steal your heart… right through your stomach. Then gut it with expensive knives when you complain about the temperature of your undercooked steak. With promises of dinner on the table every night to being the go-to cook for parties and potlucks, you can thank him for making you fat with these nifty kitchen ideas.
Unsure: wow, you’re fucked. DID YOU READ ABOUT THE KNIVES?! Calm your nerves (and the man with the butcher chop) with a digital scale, a nice spice rack or matching place settings.
Together-4-EVER: cast iron skillets, a Cuisinart or anything to do with bacon- or beer-of-the-month club.
Fuck Him: an apron that reads, “I RUB MY MEAT FOR TWO MINUTES!”
NEEDS A MAKEOVER
Who can wait for resolutions? ’tis the mother-fucking season for changing him. Change your hair, change your life, right? Clothing, shoes — replace those damn holy socks too. Shit, retool his entire underwear drawer to what YOU want to see him wear. I don’t care what level of comfortability you are in this relationship. Nobody wants to look at shitty (heh) undergarments. Who cares if his saggy balls are uncomfortable in boxer briefs. RYAN GOSLING SAYS SO!
Unsure: a set of trial size toiletry products — complete with new dop kit, a magazine subscription to GQ or… or… JEDI BATHROBE!
I LOVE YOU, SO I CAN BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU: a gift certificate for a mani-pedi (hell, a day at the spa!) or a new electric razor. And get that boy a grown-up man bag already!
Fuck Him: a baby.
Dating a hipster? I cannot fucking help you. Are mustaches still cool?
Need some gift guidance for your lady friend? Then you missed my Christmas Gift Guide to Get Your Holly in Her Jolly.