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Helmey @ Blogapalooza time!


I have no idea where or when Helmey and I became blog butt buddies, but ’tis true. Seeing as how I have limited technology access this awful Monday morning, I leave you with a guest post from Blogapalooza. And I intend to return the favor for his blog this week with a post about peeing, or penises. I haven’t yet decided. *snicker*

Hola! I’m Helmey of the world famous Blogapalooza. My Blog BFF Mel was kind enough to take me up on my blog exchange program. In a nutshell be ready for disappointment as you surely came prepared to read a “Life, Liberty & Pursuit” (of which I’m a huge fan) post and get this instead. The good news is it’s just for now, thus the next post you see will be back to Mel (or more gooder if you live in Kentucky).

With blog swapping I typically ask the blog owner if they have a particular topic I should post about. Mel thought relationship nightmares or poor relationship advice would be ideal. The problem is back in my single days I just happened to be a magnet for the crazy girls. Consequently I do have many a good story but I doubt that I could afford the therapy bill that would come along with reliving any of the said events.

Through the process of elimination I’m left with relationship advice. Unless you want to be single for the rest of your life I’m not going to be a good resource. I do however know of a source of relationship advice that’s far worse than what mine would be.

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away… I don’t recall where I was but saw the words “Ten ways to snag your dream guy” on the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine AKA “Cosmo”. Curiously I opened it and flipped to the article to see what tricks the girls might use on me as I myself happen to be hela-dreamy. Men are simple creatures so I’m not sure how one could fuck it up, but they managed to do just that. I guess it’s a good way to sell magazines, giving out shitty advice and keep ‘em coming back for more. If the girl hooks her dream guy she’s doesn’t buy the next issue with a similar shitty list. If honesty is the best policy it should have been titled “The top ten ways to make your dream guy literally run away and never look back”.

After that every time I saw a “cosmo” I had to read the respective lists which typically was followed by me blurting out something along the lines of “are you fucking kidding me?”. The top ten things to drive your guy crazy in bed” was a real winner. I guess taken in context it was a lie but taken as the “bad” drive him crazy it would have been accurate. I would have re-titled that article “The top ten things to do in bed that will get your guy to file a restraining order against you”.

So here is the best advice I can give you if you are a lady, single, and happen to want a relationship. #1 Stay the fuck away from cosmo. #2 Like I said before, men are simple creatures thus booze, sex and steak should get you that dream guy. If that doesn’t work add in some football.

I leave you with a Quote from Minnie Driver in the greatest movie ever, “Grosse Pointe Blank.”

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s, well, broken.”

  • Allison M.

    Very funny. Cosmo seems to fuck up all its articles related to men.

    “How to snag a bad boy”
    “How to make him marry you”


  • kel

    I’m dumping my boyfriend so I can try your advice. I’ll let you know how it works.

  • Word Perv

    I am Helmey fan and so, today I found myself here.

    Cosmo IS stupid, I can’t believe there are women who read it and think it’s the TRUTH or it’s GONNA WORK.

    Here’s a thought – be a normal girl instead of being a whiny clingy bitch. THAT might get you a man. Oh, and show ‘em your tits. Always works for me! ;)

  • tania

    Ha ha ha love-love-love the advice! Who knew it was that easy to land a guy! I’ll pass this amazing advice on to my fello single girl friends and maybe we’ll all be able to land a guy shortly……… If not cosmo advice it is!

  • TaratheFoodie

    I agree with Word Perv – clingy is ALL BAD. Also, don’t be afraid to take in a ball game and drink a couple beers with your man. Oh, and I’m told calling him on the phone and telling him what you ate all day is not that exciting for him, so maybe don’t do that either. :-)

  • Mel

    I’m not supposed to talk about food? LOL

    Can I talk about my boobs?

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