Cougar. Rawr!

Posted by Mel on Oct 9, 2009 in A Moment in WTF?, Chicks man! | 1 comment

I swear to Whomever/Whatever in the Heavens, I am getting seriously annoyed by the over-saturation of the word “cougar.”

Awww, look! Ain't she cute?

Cougars. It’s like we live in a fucking zoo. Why can’t I be a giraffe? You know, spotty. Graceful. All… Necky.

Even being a Bison or something right now would be cool. But they save that cool shit for minor-league baseball team mascots. Women? We always have to be part of the pussy family.

Listening to Rover in the morning? There’s a Cougar Dating Service.

Watching CSI:Miami, Rawr! There’s a Cougar. There’s a Cougar. And there’s a Cougar. Oooh, Tia Carerra… schwing! There is also a “Cougar Club.” Miami, color me surprised. While the mere explanation of a cougar in this week’s episode made me shriek, “WATCH OUT!” at the top of my lungs, nearly knocking AB out of his rocker. Yeah, he was falling asleep. He had no idea what I was yelling about. I was merely telling him that women cougars are labeled as such because it’s like we attack when we reach the hormonal highs of hitting our sexual peak.

He said he would be going into hibernation when that day hits. For three years. At least.

God, I’ve never been so excited for menopause.

Don’t even get me started on Cougartown. I LOVE Courtney Cox. I didn’t care so much for the show Friends as a whole, though I loved her neurotic OCD persona. I loved her even more in Dirt — omg f/x, HATE you for canceling that show. But… really? There’s only one thing I hate more than “cougar” and that is the “woo woo” girl. And in this show, she is both. Puke. Eat it. Puke again.

I’m 32. I’m dating a younger guy. I already get all the old lady jokes. Mostly from him. Keeps us young, right? Ahem, I got carded yesterday at Dave’s Supermarket… where was I? This is what cougars really do:

Don't you know that making faces like this causes wrinkles?

On a sidenote, I love that while searching Google for “cougar attacks,” I get pictures of, well… not actual cougar attacks, but older women/younger men combos. Really? What if I REALLY needed to know how to survive a cougar attack, Google? WWSID? (What Would Steve Irwin Do?)

I suppose it means I can feed the cougar my 22-year-old boy toy.

Watch out. Imma gonna get you while you’re sleeping. And by “get,” I mean attack, which of course means I can blame it all on my hormones.