{cooking for the boyfriend} hearts are trump

Posted by Mel on Feb 13, 2012 in Boyfriend Shit | 1 comment

Some background listening music for you, while I concoct my Valentine’s dessert right before your very eyes.

This is the dessert you make when you no time or no talent for baking. Or a little bit of both.

Remember when society was so fucked up IN THE 90s, female students were still required to take a class that taught them about… COOKING? And sewing. Because we all know that learning German isn’t going to get you anywhere in life. So, you best put on your apron already and just shut your whore mouth.

So, in my ninth grade Home Ec class, I brought in this Valentine’s Day-inspired recipe from Seventeen magazine. And someone how my teacher agreed and put it on the schedule. WE DIDN’T HAVE TO COOK ANYTHING. (I’m pretty sure that means I win Home Ec).

Those days, I was lusting after Brett Borovic something fierce. If I had anything resembling balls, I probably would have made this cake specifically for him. But then, if I had anything resembling balls, this story would have gone in a seriously weird direction. Instead, it would be the LAST DAY of junior high school that I would finally work up the courage to talk to him — as he was waiting for his bus. All I could muster was asking him to take a picture with me… which I kept bedside for my summer pleasure. This was so far from my first crush, and I honestly don’t remember his appeal. I think, maybe, I was going through a mysterious phases — which would last until the ripe old age of 25. Fucking guys.

Oh, did I mention when asking for that picture, I was coyly sucking on a lollipop? I mean, I wouldn’t even know about blowjobs for another ten years, so even the sexual naïveté of the situation was lost on me.

But I digress — here’s the recipe for HONEY, LICK-MY-FROSTING CAKES (or something):

What you need
Sara Lee Butter Pound Cake (find that in the aisle where your nips get hard)
Frosting (pink or use food coloring… nobody wants a boring ass white frosted cake. NO ONE.)
Strawberry jelly (or grape… if you’re weird)
Knife
Heart-shaped cookie cutter (MINE IS MISSING from the move, of course. A paper cutout will work for tracing the cake.)

Allow the frozen cake to thaw… if seriously pressed for time, you can zap it for ten seconds IF YOU HAVE A MICROWAVE. I decided to throw into the warming oven for about 15 minutes since I DO NOT HAVE A MICROWAVE. DO NOT COOK THE CAKE. Remember when I said there was no cooking involved? You just need to be able to cut into it.

And when you can: cut the loaf in half. Then cut the halves in half. Each piece, cut into a heart, using either a cookie cutter (of appropriate size) or tracing with a knife around your pattern — or shit, something heart shaped if you got it! Remember actual hearts are not Valentine’s Day hearts. And vice versa.

Spread jelly in between two slices of heart cake. Stack on top of one another.

Cover the ENTIRE THING with frosting. This will be a mess because you likely have ZERO CLUE how to frost a layer cake AND the layers wil pull apart from one another. If you can’t keep these in place, use one of those thin, wooden kebab stakes. Toothpicks will be too short. Scoop a large helping of frosting onto the top of the cake and move around generously. Wipe (or lick) off the messy plate afterward.

Sprinkle with some jimmies, if you purchased that awesome jar of Funfetti frosting.

And don’t do this…