Performancing Metrics


Cleveland Elevator Pitch


I’m hoping that Positively Cleveland will help me out on this one. As I mentioned earlier on twitter, I met a guy in my elevator this morning who recently relocated to Cleveland (from Atlanta). Aside from passing along our apartment number, if he needs suggestions on what’s “cool and fun” from my man and I (my go-to words to describe the city in such a short amount of time), I really wish I had a 30-second elevator pitch.

Which is where you (Clevelander or not) come in!

My contest: what would your 30-second elevator pitch be to a newbie Clevelander?

Tell me, and you’ll win some Cleveland goodies (yep, goodness of Mel today):

You could probably pick one of these: Cle Clothing Co t-shirt
And a gift card for here (The Greenhouse Tavern) or here (Erie Island Coffee Company.
More than likely, a pair of admission tickets to here or here or here.

And whatever other Fave Cleveland Things I can throw together to tell you “thank you” — if only for loving Cleveland as much as I do. Like, say, The Original Stadium Mustard.

And if you’re a Cleveland ex-pat or outside of the area, I’ll send you some Cleve-O shit, but replace some the local museum passes and what-not.

BONUS UPDATE: OK, OK, I apparently need to bribe your office with cupcakes. A dozen of ‘em, if I select your pitch. Share them or eat them all on your own. Or I can buy you one. But it would be sad.

Or maybe I’ll just let you sit next to me at the lunch table.

EVEN NEWER UPDATE: Derek Hess and Kent Smith will be including a copy of their book “ Please God Save Us” (ahem, autographed, bitches!) to my Giveaway Winner. I love those guys… THAT’S CLEVELAND LOVE!

  • Ann V.

    No matter how bad the traffic is in Cleveland, it can’t touch the horror that is Atlanta. Tell him that Coventry is like Little 5 Points and that the Cleveland Museum of Art (and all of University Circle really) kicks the High’s ass. Also, our orchestra is way better and you can generally find parking. Other people will have to talk about cool bars – I’m too old.

  • Vanessa

    This is so funny! I have a feeling many people run into newbies who are here just for work. They have no idea where to go, what to do, and they are looking at Cleveland like they just received a life sentence. Thankfully, there is a remedy for this.

    If I had thirty seconds I would tell whomever to, in no particular order:

    Pick up a copy of Scene Magazine; it will be your go to resource for everything. And there is a lot of free stuff to do in Cleveland and a lot of it is promoted in Scene.

    Go to Little Italy, if not for dinner, certainly for dessert, wander the street, check out the stores on the side streets too. A lot of people miss those. A friend of mine had no idea where Little Italy was until the night before she moved away, and she was blown away by the cuteness and regretted she didn’t know about Murray Hill earlier!

    Murray Hill is super close to the museums of University Circle. Check them out. CMA is amazing. Also, go to Coventry, go to the Grog Shop/B-Side Lounge. See a show, dance your ass off, and then get some Guys Pizza before you head home. $1 a slice ain’t going to hurt nobody! Certainly head back for dinner sometime too. Coventry is chock full of restaurants.

    Be sure to check out the Beachland on the east side and all the other cool stores and galleries like Shoparooni, Music Saves and Low Life in the Collinwood area. It’s up and coming!

    Go to the Westside Market, on the westside (weird!) and the places around the market. Remember to bring CASH! Grab something to eat or drink at the Market Avenue Wine Bar and/or the Koffee Café and certainly sit outside and people watch. Reminds me of Europe! OR, grab something to eat from the stellar cooks at the Souper Market and reminisce of the Soup Nazi Seinfeld episode, or have a beer and a pretzel at Great Lakes Brewing – it’s a standard, you have to go! If none of those places spark your interest the Bier Markt is certainly going to win you over. And if that still isn’t enough, Johnny Mango’s and Momocho are right around the corner offering cuisine for raw/vegan peeps to spicy meats and guacamole lovers!

    While you’re over there, given it’s a Monday, go to Unique Thrift and check out the half off deals. If that’s not your style, head over the Gordon Square Arts District and wander around. Be sure to check out Gypsy Bean for some delightful coffee, pastry and lunch fare, and Room Service for one of a kind products. Also, check the show times and dates at the Cleveland Public Theater. Great, cheap, date nights!

    Be sure to head to Edgewater. It’s right around the corner from Gordon Square. And even in the Fall it’s fun. If you hate water, at least hang out and watch the surfers on the lake or the kite flyers.

    And don’t forget Tremont. There is a TON of stuff to do in Tremont. Certainly check out the Tremont Art Walk, every second Friday of the month.

    And the last and most important thing to remember. You must try, but try NOT to become addicted to Mitchell’s Ice Cream. Good luck. You’ll be running back for seconds! And after eating all that ice cream, check out a running group. We have tons.

    And now, 30 seconds is probably up. Good luck!

  • Allison

    How fun is this! hell yes to cupcakes!

    Here’s my pitch.

    “Look, get over the fact that it’s going to snow a lot, rain and be cloudy and we may only get a good few months of summer. In that all that time, there are some really cool things to do, people to meet and places to go. First off, get your ass down to W.6th to at least laugh at everyone on a Saturday night – it’s amazing people watching. Then, make sure to tailgate at a Brown’s game and take a picture with the Browns Bone Lady (that’s what I call her, OK?). Then, head east for some kick ass pizza at Mama Santa’s and keep going up the hill for some eclectic shops in Coventry. Then, go back down the hill for some arts and culture and if you get hit by a car, make sure to go to the Cleveland Clinic or UH – we have AMAZING hospitals. Once you are healed, hobble over to Melt and enjoy the least healthy meal of your life. When that’s all said and done, take a moment to look out over the lake and enjoy a pink sunset.

  • alexa – cleveland’s a plum

    vanessa, that is a REAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY long elevator ride.

    mel, i’m going to get back to you on this one. i need to think about it.

  • Vanessa Nicole

    Cleveland… better than Detroit, not as good as Chicago. Just kidding- so happy that you’re downtown! I will definitely be hitting GHT at Xmas when I visit so I am SURE I will see you…. XO Vanessa

  • Rob

    I think it’s as simple as this:

    During the months of November and December, in the cities even lucky enough to have it (Atlanta not being one of them), while every bar in town has to turn down customers craving a Great Lakes Christmas Ale because they are out of stock and waiting for the next distribution, we only have to figure out the best way to get over to Ohio City.

  • vanessa

    alexa – there’s no breathing when talking about how exciting cleveland is! read it fast. haha!

  • http://nope (Twitter) Mr_Cleveland

    In a nutshell: Cleveland is a unlikely mix of cool inner city nabes and outer suburbs with style and panache. To the East you can visit Murray Hill and have the best slice of pizza at Momma Santas’. In Cleveland Heights, you can pop into Night Town for an awesome beef Filet or a beautiful fish dish on the patio. Don’t you dare forget desert! In Shaker Heights, stop over to Shaker Square and grab yourself a plate of tandor chops at Fire, or for the veggie in your soul, drop into Tommy’s in Coventry Village. High Tide Rock Bottom will be happy to see you and send you off with something nice for your significant other. Lower down the hill you can get lost in University Circle and the Art museum, The Botanic Gardens, and the Natural History Museum home to the Hammond-Todd Collection, just ask at the membership desk. They’ll be tickled to tell you all about it. Don’t forget to stop into the Barking Spider on your way out for some live music and one of almost 100 bottled beers. There are a couple of new and old hot spots on Chester to hit up on your way to down town. Once you have made it past Cleveland State University, Look around for the old Grayhound Bus station. You won’t find the ride your looking for there. Head over to East fourth street and Euclid Ave. for a show at the House of Blues or a few frames of Bowling. The Euclid corridor will keep you connected to all of it. MAybe you want to catch a film while you are downtown, Tower City cinema’s has you covered. Plus, if you have the cash to burn, you could book room for your next romantic stay-cation at any one of the finest hotels in Cleveland. See the Ritz for beautiful rooms and a service staff that knows what luxury is all about, or make a play for the Renaissance Hotel. The Suites in this Cleveland landmark are out of this world. Next, get ready to close the Cuyahoga River, but not before catching a Tribe game or taking an afternoon to tail gate in the old muni lot before the Cleveland Brown’s play their hearts out for the Cleveland Loyal. There are only two bridges that you need to cross for West Side fun. If you take the Hope Memorial Bridge just past Progressive Field, you can check out the West side market, and the 25th street crawl. or head over to trendy Tremont for some art and a meal at one of the nabes sweet restaurants. There is always the Lorain Blvd. Antiques district. Or treat yourself to an afternoon trolley tour of the historic homes throughout the Ohio City and Detroit Shoreway area. In Ohio Ciry pit stop on Market Street and hit up the win bar or the older well establish brews at the Great Lakes Brewing Company. Nosforatu is on tap kids! The music at the Happy Dog won’t disappoint nor does the brunch at the Lakeview, both establishments can be found on W. 58th street. just off of Detroit. Make sure to see Spaces Gallery for cutting edge installation art. If you hit it at the right time of the year, make your way into one of the fund raisers and I guarantee a great evening. Now, take the shoreway back to the warehouse district for swanky cocktail joints and hot a handful of smoking hot dance clubs and you my friend, have done Cleveland up right!

  • Melange

    Cleveland by Season:
    Winter is a bit of a drag in Cleveland, we are covered in snow, snow, snow – so bundle up and check out the Christmas Story House in Tremont then head over to Great Lakes Brewery for a Christmas Ale, aka liquid crack. If you’re feeling a little cabin feverish head over to Chalet for some tobogganing and hot chocolate. Music joint of choice is Brothers Lounge for some bluesy beats to go along with the mood.

    Spring is all Cavs all season long. Grab some dinner at any one of the absolutely fabulous restaurants on East 4th Street then head over to the Q for a game. Visit all of the great and quirky artsy neighborhoods in the area –Tremont, Ohio City, Detroit Shoreway, Little Italy, Coventry, Shaker Square, Collinwood, University Circle – all with their own unique restaurants, museums, galleries, stores and events.

    Summer is my favorite season because this city comes alive – Festivals like Parade the Circle, various church festivals, the Taste of Tremont, Taste of Cleveland, Feast of the Assumption – food and fun and great weather. Head to Blossom for an outdoor concert or make friends with someone who has a sailboat and check out Lake Erie. Make sure to visit the Westside Market for some fresh food or take a stroll over to Lincoln Park in Tremont and catch an Arts in August performance.

    Fall is beautiful so grab a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks and take a ride through the Metroparks to see the leaves change. Grab some friends and head to Mapleside farm for some apple picking and pumpkin patching. Soak in the last of the nice weather for a while with an end of season Tribe game and Browns tailgates in the muni lot are not to be missed.

  • BloggingJason

    I tend to stay close to the ground and don’t ride a lot of elevators, but do people really talk to each other like this when stuck in a box for 38 seconds? If so, maybe my phobia isn’t related to heights…

    p.s- Where the hell is the “Lakeview”?
    p.p.s-Yes, I love Cleveland, but I’m cranky as fuck today.

  • http://nope Mr_Cleveland

    Sorry Gang. It’s the Parkview!!!!!!! Love that place!

  • Mr_Cleveland

    Also, sorry for the typos! iPhones…

  • Tony Ramos

    Take a fancy schmancy necklace of gemstones, cut the string and let the stones fall where they may. That’s Cleveland. Tiny little pockets of multicolored brilliance and value everywhere, but not contiguous. No single strand threads Tremont together with Coventry with Larchmere with Madison with the Toboggan Chutes. We have no High Street, no Lincoln Avenue, no Broadway. You can’t cruise a main drag and find the Velvet Tango Room by accident. Hell, it’s hard enough to find on purpose. But it’s worth it.

    Accept this fact and you will get to know Cleveland.

  • Bridget

    Clevelanders like to drink and they like to talk about themselves. So make a practice of going to a different part of town every weekend to drink, and eventually you will find your sweet spot. Just remember to talk. Cleveland isn’t discovered by the quiet.

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