Life, Liberty & Pursuit Of Your Boyfriend » Penis Tuesday

{penis tuesday} tatted penis in the news

Mel — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:29:17 +0000

Can a penis tattoo give you a permanent erection? Well, that happened to one weiner-ific specimen, who apparently has a total lack of fear of being poked and NEEDLED in the peener, unlike the rest of his entire male species. How, medically and WTF-speaking, does this happen? Well, by essentially poking too deep with needles, causing a PENILE ANEURYSM.

Think of me fondly, dear penis, before going and getting yourself a tatt of your “journeys.”

{h/t Everyday Health — I don’t know what’s stranger: this story, or that it’s categorized under “erectile dysfunction”}

{penis tuesday} Even though sometimes it’s a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis. Here’s a story about a cannibalistic spider with not one,...
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{penis tuesday} is that chocolate?

Mel — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 15:39:31 +0000

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your penis.

{from someecards.com}

{penis tuesday} Even though sometimes it’s a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis. Here’s a story about a cannibalistic spider with not one,...
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{penis tuesday} Even though sometimes it’s a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis.

Mel — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:57:32 +0000

Here’s a story about a cannibalistic spider with not one, but TWO detachable penises (pen… penii??). Because when he’s done, he’s done. And he can just detach himself and move on to the next one.

WELL ISN’T THAT A PLAYFUL METAPHOR FOR THE MALE SPECIES OF ANYTHING?

I cannot read this story, of course, because… well, mother-fucking SPIDERS. And clicking the link to the Live Science article produced the tip (heh) of a photograph of said arachnids near the top of the story. I was not about to scroll down to see dual-penised CANNIBALISTIC eight-legger in all his natural habitat glory.

Quite frankly, even thinking about this will give me nightmares for eight weeks.

PS, Mel: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE “DETACHABLE PENIS,” HOPING TO NOT SEE A PICTURE OF A SPIDER WITH A DETACHABLE PENIS!
GAH!

{penis tuesday} just another tuesday… It was just your everyday Tuesday: wake up late, chug...
{penis tuesday} impotencia! I’m not too proud to mention that this clove cigarette...
{penis tuesday} in politics: does size matter? No really… AMERICA WANTS TO KNOW! Mitt Romney, tell us...

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{penis tuesday} in politics: does size matter?

Mel — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:02:15 +0000

No really… AMERICA WANTS TO KNOW!
Mitt Romney, tell us that it ain’t easy living with a huge penis. Because that’s the only kind of pole-arizing topic I care about.

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{penis tuesday} that dude played the piss right outta me

Mel — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 13:46:16 +0000

We all know men are, um, “directionally challenged.” Will video-games-at-the-toilet FINALLY teach men how to aim their penis in the right place? THEN I’M ALL FOR IT! This sounds like something useful and effective to train boys in early development for purposes of toilet training: HOW TO PISS IN THE TOILET PROPERLY — and not spray the floor, the wall… OR THE FREAKING SEAT.

There are five games available on these “toy-lets” — one, even, where you can challenge your neighbor to a literal pissing match.

But then, there’s this:

The curiously named “The Northern Wind, the Sun and Me” is designed to stimulate a player’s interest in the opposite sex. The aim is to blow a girl’s skirt up and reveal her underwear, with the harder the player urinating, the harder the wind blowing.

And I’m pretty sure I’ve lost all faith in technology, Japan, men… and urination.

{the telegraph} Sega launches urinal game consoles in Japan.

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{penis tuesday} say what?

Mel — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:09:32 +0000

{penis tuesday} just another tuesday… It was just your everyday Tuesday: wake up late, chug...
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{penis tuesday} dick & marbles = love

Mel — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 11:00:38 +0000

I freaking love this bitch:

{NSFW: but likely, my site is probably blocked, so you can’t see this anyway… but maybe you’re on vacation?!}

{penis tuesday} Go Cocks! A gift for me upon my arrival to Charleston… err,...
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{penis tuesday} just another tuesday…

Mel — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 18:29:08 +0000

It was just your everyday Tuesday: wake up late, chug the coffee, run to your trainer appointment (still sore from last night’s two-hour practice). Then, you scan and snicker at the headlines for your favorite Tuesday Topic… And the story “WOMEN ARRESTED FOR FATAL DICK INJECTION” jumps out at you.

I repeat: N.J. man dies from penis enhancing injection

JUST ANOTHER TUESDAY of body insecurities and the criminals who exploit them. Here, I thought the woman who injected FIX-A-FLAT into butts was batshit. And this time, I am not attempting a clever euphemism.

PSA: Men, stop trying to plump up your dick!

Photo credit: xMYTiMe viz flickr

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{penis tuesday} Go Cocks!

Mel — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 17:16:41 +0000

A gift for me upon my arrival to Charleston… err, well, the night before I left actually. I love my friends.

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{penis tuesday} impotencia!

Mel — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 16:17:09 +0000

I’m not too proud to mention that this clove cigarette pack was calling out to me from a trash can in the ladies room at Kelly’s Bar & Lounge last weekend. No, I’m not that desperate for a smoke — I just can’t help myself, when I’m drunk and see penis, I have to reach out and grab it. Heh.

*thumbs down*

There’s no mixing warnings here at all. One, it’s probably not a good idea to stick your hands into garbage cans at bars. Tsk. It was SO HILARIOUS at the time.

And in reference to sexual health: yes, even smoking cloves can make you impotent. So, stop that shit already. Be good to your penis (and by extension, your lady with the weird, long fingernails).

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{penis tuesday} pickle

Mel — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 14:55:06 +0000

Excuse me, sir. There’s a penis in my drink!

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{PT} Pejazzling.

Mel — Tue, 24 May 2011 14:46:50 +0000

This gets a no. A sincere “no, I will go nowhere near your nether regions if you are wearing rhinestones, no.” I am NOT a promoter of bedazzling your vag either, for the record.

Your penis should not be pretty! It’s the rule of the sexes. You were stuck with the ugly sexual parts. And forever you shall be. And thankfully, evolution got rid of your “spikes.”

See the penis bling (and all the ridiculousness said by its “promoter”) here: After vajazzling comes pejazzling. {Daily Mail}

Seriously, can this un-sexy body decoration business stop. Adhesive crystal tattoos went out in 2000 (regardless of strippers and hoochies saying otherwise). And they should stay there. STOP TRYING TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

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{PT} What’s in a name?

Mel — Tue, 17 May 2011 19:43:01 +0000

The very shape of food can ~~ask for head~~ turn heads (ask the banana). I also watch America’s Next Great Restaurant, where I was happily cheering for Saucy Balls. Food — as well as its advertising and messaging — and sex seemingly have a natural relationship. And man, I hate when all they do is break-up-and-make-up.

But the following brands are treading a fine line of unintentional double entendres that are outwardly porn-a-rific!

Just MISPRONOUNCE IT and maybe nobody will notice: Bimbo. You know, with the catchy jingle: B-I-M-B-O (that sounds eerily familiar to the creepy, drug-tastic Friskies commercial).

I am NOT a bimbo, creepy white bear. I’m a BEEM-bo (please don’t kill me). Bimbo: best invention since sliced bread. HUZZAH!

Sadly, it’s NOT a frozen chocolate-covered banana: MAGNUM ice cream (but maybe it should be)

Question: does it come in a gold wrapper? I need to let EVERYONE know the size of my… package.

On second thought, that packaging DOES resemble a condom wrapper (albeit for a ~~man~~ ice cream bar who’s large and in charge). Well done, marketers.

Heard or seen any food sexual references lately?

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{PT} Art All Night

Mel — Tue, 10 May 2011 15:29:41 +0000

Check out Diggin Pitt’s Art All Night (in Lawrenceville) post (now: with PICTURES!).

And yes, there were penises… I mean, in art, aren’t there always?

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{PT} Bonus: Semengate

Mel — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 16:41:31 +0000

“So there’s a deeper bond between men and women than St. Valentine would have suspected, and now we know there’s a better gift for that day than chocolates.”

And yes, that line is in direct response to semen. *chuckle* As in: directly applied — in the vagine — the substance has mood-enhancing effects, thereby increasing bonding between males and females. Why can’t distinguished scientists have a personality too? For shame, that he felt it necessary to resign because he “lightened the mood” a bit.

Man, it’s stuffy in here.

Read the story at The Huffington Post: Semengate stuns scientific community

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{PT} Religion is like…

Mel — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 14:48:02 +0000

Who wants to take a stab at finishing THAT phrase?

Ahem:

from: FFFFOUND!

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{PT} Luxury Condoms

Mel — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 14:23:31 +0000

I’ve probably overwhelmed nearly every pun for putting on a condom, but when it comes (heh) to the ORIGINAL Condom, having safe sex is no joke. In fact, it’s something of a luxurious experience. You know, because you have such discriminating taste… with those random, various anonymous vaginas.

“Condoms protect everyone from disease; ours protect from tackiness” – G. de Bizemont

Oh, the French.

The Original Condom: Safe, but elegant.

Actually, that’s Safe Sex with elegance, chic and eco-aware. “Safe Sex” is capitalized, FYI. The messaging, well, doesn’t even make any sense from this copywriter’s standpoint, but whatevs. I suppose that is besides the point, but something is definitely lost in translation here.

While I can applaud the humanitarian efforts behind the product (is that a TWSS?), I find it hysterical there is an option for a package that is meant to be displayed — as inspired by jewelry. Or completely ridiculous pretentiousness, as it were.

Enjoy some history of the condom in this company PDF. Also, I did not know the “original” condom (in 1839) was meant to be used up to five years. *puke*

{h/t to the multiple people who sent me this}

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{PT} Protect the Penis

Mel — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 16:20:12 +0000

I enjoy tutorials. Almost as much as I love how-to videos and illustrated instructions. I don’t need no stinkin’ Kama Sutra! Unless it’s the 1970s version, with all the hairy bushes because that, sir, is an awesome sex encyclopedia.

So, naturally, I would love ThemaJock’s “How It Works” page. The thermal product’s main purpose is to “protect the penis.” Of course it is. Always, ALWAYS protect the penis. Especially, as the picture suggest, in ball-shriveling cold temperatures.

Don't be silly, protect your willy!

Also, this testament:

ThermaJock… fasteners can be adjusted to fit any size athlete. {emphasis mine}

Athlete.
*air quotes*

{h/t Mandy}

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{PT} Tree nuts

Mel — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 16:28:40 +0000

You know what I love… or shall I say, “WHO” I love? People who look out for me — and my blog’s favorite (and by all statistical accounts most popular) day of the week: Penis Tuesday. Thanks to Erin of ‘Burgh Living for this fertility gem of a sac.

Behold, The Testicle Tree.

There are so many “nut” puns that I could tell, but sometimes just a picture is worth a 1,000 dirty penis jokes:

Credit: Quinn.Anya

Who knew there were so many connections between the tantalizing fruits of the avocado to men’s most “sacred of body parts.” And now that I know they are an age-old “secret” to inducing fertility, I have now banned them from my kitchen. But the REAL question is: does one of your nut sacs hang lower than the other? It’s for SCIENCE.

{PT} Skate nuts You know those hanging balls that dangle from the hitch...

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{PT} Skate nuts

Mel — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 14:46:41 +0000

You know those hanging balls that dangle from the hitch at the back of hoopties? OMG, I hope you do… Well, I FINALLY saw a pair out in the wild last weekend, while up in the North Hills. I wasn’t quick enough to snap my own picture, however.

And while there is technically no balls in roller derby, YOU CAN ACT AS THOUGH YOU GOT ‘EM while you’re being awesome on your roller skates!

Yes, it’s exactly what you think it is.

{h/t to Church Lady for making my blog a THIRD TIME… I tend to think this is going to be a season worthy of a LOT of Penis Tuesday topics}

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