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{penis tuesday} guest dick: penises are deceiving

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A penile treat for you today, PT readers. A post from a special guest about a special variety of penis. True story: I still haven’t seen one in the wild.

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I’ve seen some penises in my life. Not an exorbitant amount, but enough to feel like I have a good gauge (heh) on the male species. You could say that I’ve experienced a rather large (and sometimes small) sampling. I can thank my college days, bartending days and hell, just plain’ ol slutty days for those.

But there was a time, when familiarity was not my strong point. And while my moves had been practiced, my experience was left to only one man. A post relationship breakup in junior year of college led me down that long, veiny road of adventures. It was here that I had my many firsts with male appendages.

It was almost 5 years ago to this day. September, 2007. I know this because it was just a few weeks after the Big Break-up… and because I was wearing new boots, but that’s not the point. Despite my cardinal rule of abstaining from guys at my school, I found myself lusting after an eclectic sophomore. Naturally, he resembled the ex, but was more fun and only marginally mysterious.

I was still learning how to flirt, a skill forgotten in the three years I spent as a girlfriend and was fairly awkward of how to go about moving from party mode to sexual mode. An easy transition for me now, but new to me at the time.

I stood on the porch of his apartment. I was trying to quell the growing vomit feeling that was lingering in the depths of my throat. He was sitting and watching me. As I leaned over the balcony, half hoping I would throw up and half hoping I wouldn’t. As I said, I didn’t know how to move from one stage to the next. Not without being overtly sexual at least. I was prepared to go all Adam & Eve on him.

But let’s not make a long story longer: I was excited for my first post break-up penis sighting. I wanted to know if they were similar, if they reacted the same. It was a life experiment.

I arrived to find that they were quite similar. I mean, it’s a penis!

But what makes this story special? Well. A week or so later, I hung out with a mutual friend, who knew about the hookup. He asked me how I liked his one-eyed monster. Strange question. He clarified, “you know, it may not be something you’re used to.” I cocked my head.

“He’s uncircumsized…”

I think that’s something I would have noticed. I always thought it was something I would. I mean, there were no ant eaters present that night. My friend insisted. Then followed up with, “I thought you would have noticed.”

RIGHT?!

And that’s the day I learned that circumsized penises are actually just like normal penises.

They’re just a little sneakier.

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{penis tuesday} OWWWWWW!

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Holy fucking hell. Thanks to this penis-y news article, I was forced to research “penile degloving.”

What’s penis degloving, you ask? Oh, you could ask Google.

But, just… don’t. That is, if you ever want to look at a penis as a sexy wilderbeast the same way again.
EVER.

Let’s just say that I will never cook a hot dog or sausage so hot as to split the casing.
EVER.

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{penis tuesday} Morning sickness? There’s a sexual act for that.

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Hate blow jobs? Well, there might be a reason to enjoy your yearly offering of head for a little longer. That is, if you’re pregnant. Because WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU ENJOY A BLOW JOB?!

But scientists warn:

… not just any sperm, it should be the sperm of the person who got you pregnant.

But honey… SEE?! IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!

Did you hear something? I don’t have my pregnancy ears on.

{Study: Oral Sex Cures Morning Sickness via CBS Local Washington}

It can also cure depression. It, being the semen. That you take orally.

And… la pipe? Wee Wee.

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{penis tuesday} elephant sperm gets frozen… and PITTSBURGH helps!

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Researchers and scientists at the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium are part of a team that has collected specimens from 15 African bull elephants to inseminate female elephants. In the meantime, these elephant sperm-sicles were frozen and “taken to where the females are.” Prior to this, successful artificial insemination of African elephants had only been done using fresh semen. Collection and (successful) insemination is done is to introduce new bloodlines into the elephant population in captivity… and to have on hand when elephants like the Pittsburgh Zoo’s Jackson (the elephant, not the scientist) is “not in the mood.”

Pittsburgh Zoo helps with world’s first frozen-sperm elephant pregnancy
from WPXI.com

Takeaway from this article (besides the animal kingdom being awesome)? Elephant gestation last 22 months. MONTHS! Uh, I guess that’s rather awesome too…

This post brought to you by All of the Elephant Penis and Little of the Snark. And Muscle Relaxers. Wait… should I make an elephant trunk joke?

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{penis tuesday} Olympic Penis

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Not to be confused with an olympic-sized penis… WAIT ONE MINUTE!

Look closer. CLOSER.

Dudes. Having a penis must be hard. *snicker*

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