Blog Secret!

Hey Internets! Today is not only Penis Tuesday (post to come later), but the day a group of us confess a secret to the entire blogging community. In return of posting someone’s secret, I, too, released a secret. With all the submissions, it could be fun trying to match the contributors to his or her own secret.

Go to SoMi blog for links to all the submissions.

Below is the submission I received:

My boyfriend and I have been discussing the future a lot lately, and these same two issues keep coming up over and over again. We have different views on them – we have different personalities and histories and outlooks on life – and it sometimes stresses me out.

We know that this is it for us. He is it for me. I am it for him. Neither of us wants to be with anyone else, ever. I can’t imagine being with anyone else – loving them as much, enjoying them as much. And at the same time, we sometimes have a bit of trouble balance our two strong personalities. They are often so conflicting, especially when it comes to the “big two”: marriage and kids.

Marriage. We’re committed to each other. There’s no doubt about that. But we have different ideas about marriage. His is that we don’t need to get married. That sooner or later, we’ll be common law, and that somehow making it legal changes everything. I want the whole kit & caboodle. I want to marry him. I want it to be legal. I want him to be my husband, for me to be his wife. I want the world to know that he is mine and I am his, and that we legally belong with each other.

Kids. He never wanted kids, before dating me. I’ve always wanted them, wanted a family. It’s important to me – I want so badly to see what we would create, what kind of amazing person we could bring into the world. I want to have a family, to watch something of ours grow and mature and hopefully turn into a person who could make a difference. I want something to continue when we’re gone, someone to take care of us. And I want him to want to create something with me. To go to doctor’s appointments with me, and rub my growing belly, to talk to the child inside. For us to watch that child grow.

We come from very different backgrounds when it comes to why we believe what we believe. He is convinced that couples stop having sex when they get married. That they slowly stop liking each other and become these miserable shells of the people they used to be, stuck for the rest of their lives. And that when kids come along, their lives just end. No more fun. No more sex. No more travel, or eating out, or the possibility of someday owning a sailboat.

And to be honest? I worry about some of those things too. I don’t want to stop having sex. I don’t want to be unhappy. I want to have a balance of “family” and “us.” I know there are things you change when you have kids, and “sacrifices” to be made, but with the world the way it is now, are there really that many restrictions? I worry about some of the same things, but I feel like I shouldn’t talk about my fears as much because it will give credence to his.

And also, in a way I can’t blame him. He’s never had a good example of a marriage. His dad has never been married. His mom has three kids with three men. My own parents are long divorced. Most of his friends through work are stuck in unhappy marriages or crappy relationships.

When we started dating, I gave serious consideration to how important marriage is to me, since I knew it was never something he’d planned on. I came to the realization that I want everything with him. I just want him to want it too. I don’t want it to be something he is “forced” into. It’s like that line from that movie The Break Up. “I don’t WANT you to do the dishes – no one WANTS to do the dishes! I want you to WANT to do the dishes!” Deep down, I know he will be an amazing husband and father. He is great with kids. He will be a fantastic dad. And I really believe that he has it in him to be supportive and comforting and just incredible as a husband and parent.

We are coming closer together on the spectrum of our future. We know we’ll get married someday. (So what if my someday is next year and his is in three or four?) We will have a child. (So what if I want one in five years and he wants one in ten?) We have a really great support system, and will be able to have “us” time. I just want to be able to do what he planned with his life as well. I don’t want him to have to give up his dreams, I don’t want to give up mine. And I stress out about how we will mesh our separate dreams to be our singular dream.

I guess I am not sure what I wanted to get out of writing this post. I think I was hoping to just get it all out – to be able to write about the topics I stay away from on my own blog, because we decided there were some things we wanted to keep private. And, writing it down and getting it all out has actually already helped.

Some people would advise me that if we can’t agree about kids, we shouldn’t be together because ultimately it wouldn’t work. To them I say – thanks for the advice, but no thanks. There is no one in this world I could love more. There is no one who could make me happier, who could make me feel more complete. So, I guess all that’s left is to live our lives, love each other as much as possible, and see what happens.

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