I was reading an article online about cheating and the fantasy of coming face-to-face with the wench that ruined everything (of course, I can’t find the article now, but whatever, you get my drift). This happened to me, but in a very, very strange way, with a slightly satisfying outcome.
I was in a long relationship, and subsequently found out he was seeing someone else. Mostly through my powers of intuition, realizing his abrupt emotional distance, then finding a DVD underneath the front passenger seat of his car that we didn’t watch together, did I come to this conclusion. Then I did something very, very bad (which I don’t regret) — I took his pager from him (remember pager days, ack!) when he left town for work. Then I waited for the repeat secret number to come up — I think it was “14.” I saw it a few times, but then she was smart enough to leave her actual house number. I called it back. When I asked who it was, she gave up her name, then I informed her that I had just purchased the pager from a stranger, and that the prior owner was no more.
Then, I went online to do a reverse phone number look-up. I confirmed her address (with a handwritten map I also found in my ex’s glove box) and her last name. Armed with new information, I called her back. Her parents gladly informed me she was back to school at OU and gave me her dorm number (stupid). Her roommate answered, and I was shaking trying to piece together what I would say to her.
Getting straight to the point, I told her that she and I were dating the same guy (me, for a lot longer). Then I just said, “Hey, just one woman looking out for another,” then hung up after she nervously thanked me.
Now, I am completely aware that my methods are borderline psycho, and to my defense, I was young and inexperienced at dating. But something in me felt as though I had an obligation more to the “other woman” than to my asshole boyfriend that was cheating on me. Who, by the way, told her that I was (of course) his psycho ex-girlfriend, even though we continued to date after this occurred. What can I say, I had zero confidence in myself or otherwise. And somehow I felt that calling him out in such a manner would prevent him from doing it again (it didn’t).
Years passed — I eventually got out of the toxic relationship — and while I was working at Wet Seal during a Friends & Family sale, her name came up on the screen after a swipe of her frequent customer card. I was finally looking face to face with the girl that had a part in breaking up my relationship (nothing I ever pictured her as either, which somehow made me feel better about the whole damn thing). Again, with never being able to keep my mouth shut (and not kicking myself later over a lost opportunity), I said, “Oh, I think we have a mutual friend…” then gave up my ex’s name. She glanced over my name tag, turned white as a ghost, said something like “OMG, Melinda”… then fucking apologized.
Question is: would you warn the other person, if you found out who they were? Or just keep your mouth shut, and dump the bastard anyway?
See? Sometimes I’m not always the one in pursuit of your boyfriend, but you are of mine.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Im a pretty regular reader of yours and have never commented but I feel the need to on this one.
I had a fiance that cheated on me and I knew and I stuck around for way longer than i should have. She was pregnant. They are now married and he is cheating on her with another girl. At first I wanted to warn her that she is getting cheated on but the fact that she knew my ex was engaged to me while they were having their thing and still married him is her own fault, not mine for not telling her…
September 16th, 2008 at 8:19 am
Depending on the situation, I would definitely (first) end things immediately with the “bastard” and (next) start scheming about the best method to inform “her” of his actions, however. . .
Chances are that she most likely is fully aware of the situation, which is truly unfortunate*
September 16th, 2008 at 8:33 am
I actually don’t think that is overly psycho. Going through THAT much effort to date two people is psycho. Dating ONE person is a pain in the ass.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:20 am
If you can somehow manage to control yourself and your emotions, the best payback by far is to simply cut all ties without any warning. No calls, no texts, no email, no answering anything, just walk away from it all. Don’t contact the other person, don’t do anything except for leave with the understanding that what goes around always comes back around. If you don’t believe that, try doing what they’ve done to someone and find out the hard way. I have been that asshole and NEVER want to fuck up like that again. The person who stays true in the relationship will always prevail in the end.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:40 am
I dated this guy Ryan when I was 19 until I was 23. One day we were at the bar he owned and I ran into this girl Michelle I had known since childhood that I had lost touch with for years - but we had rekindled our friendship about a year before, although I hadn’t spoken to her in months for some “unknown” reason. She was about 7 months pregnant and I kindly went up to her making small talk asking her who her boyfriend was, etc. She looked at me like I was crazy and shrugged me off, I thought what a bitch. Fast-forward 2 months later and I’m hanging out with my best friend’s husband waiting for her to get home and he says, “You know Michelle is having Ryan’s baby.” I thought I would die!!!! I went nuts, told my friend’s husband how she ahd been cheating on him, slashed my BF tires, I mean abso-fuckinglutely nuts!!! I dropped out of college and pretty much had a breakdown. EVERYONE knew but me, his family, my friends, no one had ever said anything. Then he had the nerve to come over knocking on my window the day she gave birth wanting me back - so what did I do, I took him back - for a short period. She even named the kid after him!!! AGH! From that time on I have had serious trust issues. Since then I’ve seen her and him a few times and I could care less now… they have FOUR kids, she is fat, and they have no money! I am living in Cali, with a cute boyfriend, a good job and no babies! I often think that could have been me!!! And count my lucky stars that my boyfriend cheated on me! Sometimes the worst things turn out to be the best thing that could happen! Just had to share!
September 16th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Vanessa, I have a similar story (with yet another guy — fuckers), but it involves WAY TOO MUCH INFO for even blogger eyes. I’ll have to e-mail you private. LOL
Others, in this particular situation, she did not know about me. He was good. The bastage.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Vanessa is living proof of what I’m saying. The fucker who cheats ALWAYS loses in the end.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Holy crap. let’s write a book.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:50 am
I wouldn’t even actually consider this “cheating.” Your boyfriend simply wasn’t being monogamous. Sure, he was lying to you and generally deceiving you about the relationship you guys had and your place in his life, but having two relationships at once is old school polygamous behavior. For me, cheating is an isolated occurrence, or even a series of isolated occurrences. Having an extended (an at least partially) emotional and physical connection with two people is fundamentally different than serial (even briefly) monogamy.
I make this point because I think in your situation (the polygamous one) you absolutely should tell the other person your sig. other is dating (if it is isolated, and just cheating then I think it is less likely she will really care, which means you won’t get much satisfaction out of telling her, so what’s the point?). If she (or he of course, but this is your blog so I’m using she from here on) doesn’t know about you, then 99 times out of 100 she will appreciate being told. No one likes being deceived except in those pitiful cases where people would rather live a lie than face reality. If she does know about you, then I think you should let her know that you are not interested in “sharing” a guy. I think it helps both of you, she has to come to terms with why she was (is) ok with knowingly sharing, while you get a measure of closure. Plus, not to be too petty here, but you can also do it in a way that really says Fuck You to her too, while seemingly just being polite. Of course, I agree with all the other posters that most of your anger/attention should be directed at the boy, and not the other woman.
But to be clear, I think the problem here is the deception, not the multiple relationships. As long as everyone involved is ok (or at least thinks they are ok) with someone dating two people than whatever works for them is fine. But if one party in the triangle thinks their relationship is exclusive, than the foundation of that relationship is a lie. I don’t think you can have a mutually satisfying, healthy relationship in that situation.