Yesterday was a horrible day. Nay, the week has been pretty horrible. And more than just because I missed your weekly dose of Penis Tuesday.
For good measure, I’ve stocked up Sleepytime Tea (new and improved and enhanced with Valerian) and it seems to be helping with my insomnia. And I have been in bed TIRED every night by 8 p.m. And waking up before 6 to get to work. At least I’ve got one resolution going for me.
Tuesday, I was at work before 7 a.m. And on my drive in, I totally wiped out driving up Cedar Hill. It took me a few weaves across four lanes to regain my traction… and well, I was FREAKED by the time I made it to work. There was no one here (obviously, who is crazy enough to work this early and that late, right). And I started to get upset because I was driving on anger from not being able to talk to my freaking boyfriend the night before. You know how imbecilic that sounds? But I was — I can’t help it.
By most standards, we have a long-distance relationship, and it’s comforting for me to get a Good Night Phone Call. And I didn’t get one. And I couldn’t reach him… which perpetuated into horrible nightmares about him. And well, it spiraled into anger the next morning, as most things do in my life when I don’t get what I want, or when I’m thrusted from a comfort zone.
And at the end of my work day yesterday, after succumbing to (useless) despair and anger, passive-aggressive-ness and ultimately, “not being human,” I just wanted a huge hug from my boyfriend. But unfortunately, that couldn’t happen. Even though he was less than an hour away and probably drove past my exit at some point. A day of stress that I ended up taking out on him, then apologizing for, then getting angry about again. I am not usually this needy (seriously), but I was completely overwhelmed by emotion and stress, and I feel at some level that everyone but my Grandmother and a handful of friends are there at moment’s notice anymore. I suppose HG & I are just not at “that point” yet. And whatever “that point” is… maybe I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. But yeah, it felt incredibly lonely.
I made a (late) resolution this year to start telling people honestly how I feel, without putting up the walls and such. And to stop the passive-aggressive hinting at my being pissed or happy or just bored. I’ve been adjusting my personality for most of my adult life to appear as this strong, “unhuman” female, as to prevent myself from getting hurt. And well, that doesn’t really work either, seeing as how I am usually hurt anyway. So this year I have done a lot of crying, much to the chagrin of freaked-out individuals around me that aren’t used to that side of me.
Regardless, it was another reminder about how important daily communication between HG & I is. And how communicating that is becoming increasingly frustrating.
See? Big hug… I just need one. But I’ll take two, if offered.
In lighter news, I took HG to Bistro on Lincoln Park over the weekend for his birthday. This restaurant? You MUST go! The food was incredible. The service was perfection. There are 20 bottles of wine priced at $20. AND the website is freaking adorable.
For starters, the pommes frites rival Bar Cento’s (seriously). I had the duck salad — which had nuts (omg, this I love) and Roquefort cheese. The duck prosciutto melted in my mouth. For dinner, I had the Ratatouille Ravioli and HG had the Duck Confit. There was no room really for desserts.
But definitely room for a good whiskey sour and moscow mule at the Velvet Tango Room.
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January 28th, 2009 at 9:56 am
You know what made my day yesterday - the guac at Momocho and my blood orange margarita. Now that’s one hell of a hug.
January 28th, 2009 at 10:20 am
OMG I have never read someone’s blog post before and thought wow that could be me.. until now.
Due to certain circumstances, my bf and I are in a similar situation of unavailability. He usually calls me at night to say goodnight, although sometimes he cheats and only txts.
I hate that but it’s ok. One night though, he fell asleep and didn’t send anything. About 1am I woke up all worried thinking something was wrong, or then also upset that he didn’t even txt. So I sent him “goodnight I guess..” and tossed and turned all night. I called him the next morning on my way to work and he’s like “sorry I fell asleep..” and I’m like whatever. I was pissed. It’s not hard to message someone!
Ugh. I’m ranting and rambling. Sorry. I just relate a lot to your post today.
Hope you have a better day. And I hope you get that hug. Chocolate also helps.
January 28th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
What is Sleepytime Tea? It sounds like something I need!!!
Hope you have a better day today.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I know that place well. It’s definitely the shitty side of long-distance. They’re never there when you need them to be, and it’s usually not their fault but it feels like it.
I hope y’all can get the communication thing down, though, because it sounds like he does a good job of making you happy otherwise.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Oooooooooh, that menuu looks fantastic. We will have to check it out!
January 29th, 2009 at 9:05 am
I think most people (women and men) can relate to the frustrations you are feeling — I hope that HG is one of those people that can say exactly what you need to hear, when you need to hear it. As he gets to know you better and care about you more, I think he will learn*
January 30th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Rangpur. Gimlet.
January 30th, 2009 at 10:14 am
I think it’s been one of those weeks. Maybe one of those months. I am hoping this is not a sign of the year to come. But I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Most of the time I really just want someone to hold me and pet my head (I would never actually admit that to anyone though).
I also am trying to be less passive-agressive (see above). It’s a serious struggle and unlike my quest to be able to do a real pull up, it’s not a fun one.
January 30th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I’m hoping you are feeling better by now!
Re: you being super tired/exhausted…have you gotten your period lately? Hmmm..