I have been completely worthless in my hostess entertainment for you, Internets. I have no promises that I will be better either. Here’s a little update, bitches:
It seems the crappy holidays are upon us. Woo (emphatically woo, Scrooges).
Work has been kicking my ass because rates are low, and people want to refinance the shit out of their homes to buy needless Christmas gifts, and suck the living equity out of their homes. It happens every year… then I get another surge in January, when the first of credit card bills come in. Stupid, stupid fools. Are gifts truly important enough to make one of your important life assets completely worthless? Oh, it will be worthless… give it another four or five years for the market to upswing again. At least, I’ll gauge that premonition on the amount of walk-throughs on my condo since the For Sale sign went up six months ago — two. Two fucking people. My bad, one. One potential buyer, whom I cleaned from top-to-bottom, never showed. And my Realtor had the GALL to ask me to offer a BONUS to the selling agent to entice them to show my home. FUCK what? Isn’t that your fucking job — to sell my place? To show it, market it, split the shit out of six per cent commission? My job is not to give you more money. Your job is to make your own money.
Aside from work, I have this so-called “relationship” thingie happening. He’s great in all the right places. I think I’m becoming a little less neurotic. I really enjoy being around him too. You do the hokie-pokey, and you turn yourself around. And that’s what it’s all about. We’re planning a vacation — that’s fun. Stressing about plans and flight numbers and a New Year’s Eve dress is not. But seriously, date nights: Velvet Tango Room, Nuevo Acapulco, Mel’s homemade lasagna, movie nights… all within the last week. I might have done more with LDR in one week than the up-close-and-living-with version. And then there’s that whole give-a-man-gift-without-trying-too-hard-or-showing-you-care-more-or-insinuating-this-is-anything-but-just-what-it-is. It brings about a Nervous Stomach. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been eating much. I’ve been working out too, so maybe that’s it. Whatever.
I. hate. gifts. I hate shopping. I hate when people don’t give me lists. I hate being creative and “just pick something!!” And I hate frivolously spending money for crap that someone doesn’t need. I also hate being lazy and giving gift cards, but I give up. I think this all leads to me hating Christmas for at least one reason. I don’t feel comfortable with gift-giving. I mean, I like surprised TANGIBLE “gifts” throughout the year, not endless hours of mass wrapping flying through the air for HOURS (I am the oldest of seven kids, mind you — Christmas takes forever when everyone is home). I just want to see my family and not be all awkward because I don’t have money to throw around… again. And there’s always an obligation because you know everyone else is giving you something. And I hate that too - the OBLIGATION to have to give gifts. Why can’t I just enjoy my family with my hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and “The Night Before Christmas,” sing crappy holiday songs, then cry at “Silver Bells” and watch 18 hours of The Christmas Story? Or drink myself into a Jack Daniels and eggnog death. Maybe I just grew into not enjoying surprises that much.
I don’t have the kind of budget or credit limit to go spend hundreds of dollars on people. I’d rather use that and go visit my family that lives on the other side of the country. Discover some peace in the desert sunsets. But somehow that’s all very selfish…
Anyway, I still do not have lists from anyone in my family — and Christmas is a week away. I still do not even know for sure where I’m going and when. That in itself completely stresses me out, as I like to make and have plans. Not be all “I-don’t-know” until the day before Christmas Eve. COMPLETELY. STRESSES me out. And my family wonders why I just make other plans. And I’m somehow a very, very bad person if I would rather just go be alone in fucking Boston or Budapest or something. This then brings on a set of social anxiety and insomnia, then requisite hibernation… and a whole lot of Catholic guilt because, fuck — EVERYONE likes fucking Christmas. Ironically, my only sense of serenity is at Midnight Mass. And that’s only because I am on fire.
I still need to get my furnace fixed AND somehow find $1400 to repair some shit on my car. Creating an emergency fund is never enough anymore. It totally sucks ass that the second I save the money, there is always something else that is designated as “emergency.” Why does this seem to culminate right around this time of year? Probably because I notice that it’s very, very cold in my condo.
Thanks, Santa — Merry fucking Christmas. I’m very Grinchy, when I should be very happy. There never seems to be a balance. I actually feel truly, very happy — all warm butterflies and shoulder nooks, yet I feel there is something wrong with me because I am just not Christmas-connected.
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December 18th, 2008 at 11:55 am
You are reading my mind! This post is exaclty how I would have written my own. (If in fact I were this witty!) I agree with everything you said! I hope this season passes quickly for the both of us. Happy Grinching!-V
December 18th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Good luck with the new relationship. Get him something you thought you heard him say he liked. It’s probably wrong. Better yet, get him something you yourself like, in case it richochets back at you. Life’s too short to agonize over gifts for others.
Personally, I used to want ties, and nobody would ever get them for me, because everybody thought it was a hokey gift. Same thing with neat socks. I also wanted card cases for my business cards. Things from V. Regalo in Rocky River. Things from Ford’s Men’s Clothes. Dinner out. A good book. Good company. Quiet.
Good luck. Gloria and I are your fans.
December 19th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I completely understand the dilemma of giving the new guy in your life something meaningful and thoughtful but not too meaningful and thoughtful. . .
Hmmm. . .what about something handmade and creative? Jose and I never grow tired of giving the mix cd with our own cover art on the cd case to one another. . .we’re also fans of making a random t-shirt that has an inside joke written on the front. . .sentimental and inexpensive
December 19th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Give them all gift cards. That’s what they get for not giving you a list.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Hey girlie! Just stopping by to see what you’ve been up to. You should suggest that the adults in your family draw one name from a hat next year. That way you all will only need to purchase one gift. With the exception of parents and children, you’ll end up buying for both of them anyway even if you aren’t supposed to.
Hope you have a great Christmas, where ever you spend it.
XOXO,
Steph