Mel

Penis Tuesday

Inspired by movie night on Sunday, Bill Maher in “Religulous” (which was eight million times better than the disappointing “Burn After Reading” that shared our evening) points us to the giant penis of The Rude Man of England — Cerne Abbas. He boasts a 20-foot penis. Twenty. Foot. Penis (And I thought I was lucky in large). Gives a whole new meaning to that foot-matching-penis...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

While I’m warming up, the foreplay portion of this post is dedicated to the ladies of Christie’s. Without you, Guys’ Night Out truly would have been well… me just getting naked. To which I fail miserably. Especially after tequila and the taste of cocoa butter on my tongue… What? Without further ado (or taps on the shoulder from the floor guy), today’s...

Mel

Chicago – Don’t Drink and Cry.

I had a great opportunity to be a swinging asshole this past weekend. I ran around like I had balls of steel, treating men like pieces of meat – looking good, flirting, ditching, kissing, dancing… kissing someone else, more dancing… kissing one of my girlfriends (awesome).  Only, I drank a wee bit too much of the green beer and Jameson and started to cry like a fucking wuss when all was...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

True story — while on a late-night food search in Chicago, we came upon The Weiner’s Circle: Once inside, (after some drunk guy hugged and grabbed me for far too long in line) the lady behind the counter started yelling, “Do you want dick?” at me. I blank stared for a second,  when she repeated the same hilarious query. It took everything in me not to laugh, but this bitch scared...

Mel

Sure. Makes perfect sense…

The ass who stood me up last week? Texted me Saturday: What are you up to tonight? While I imagine he could have been drunk at 4 in the afternoon (I was, for sure), what the fuck is all that about? Being that he reappeared a week later, I could only muster, “Are you kidding me?” from my depths of the Chicago bars. (And I think a couple hours later, when I realized that I had turned my iPhone...

Mel

One can only assume that the smell of bacon is an aphrodisiac… right?

Have I ever had a contest on my blog? Here you go: Although a tad bit over-excitable and way to obnoxious for my own good, I enjoy doing little thoughtful things for people. One of which, after a date conversation, I bought a gag gift, if you will, of Baconnaise. He had mentioned he loved bacon (who doesn’t right?), and I brought to his attention the invention of bacon-flavored mayonnaise —...

Mel

What’s passed is past.

Undoubtedly, I have had an odd set of days.  While the week stretches on (so very fucking slowly), I’m preparing for an awesome weekend away in Chicago to celebrate an early St. Patrick’s Day. My self-esteem has taken a huge plunge, then life continued to shit down my throat again releasing the hugest zit known to my face since age 15. I just invested in over $100 worth of face goodies from...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

Shit. Looking by the giant boner in my stats yesterday, you all missed me. Thanks. Next time, use some lube. Without further ado, I’m sure you are all hard for a little Penis Tuesday, no? Oh. He’s not hard?  Work on your stroke. I mean, seriously? When’s the last time you gave a hand job? Junior High? I know. It’s so much more exploitative than the gratuitous Megan Fox shot I...

Mel

I get fucked over? You get lucky.

Bet you didn’t think you would see me this morning in your Reader, eh? Yeah yeah. So much for self-imposed blogging hiatus, but really, Fuck You. Nobody ever said I was good at playing by the rules. Or religion for that matter. This disservice brought to you by “I have a dating story doozie,” which goes against all my beliefs for dating during Lent as well, but come with me for a minute....