Mel

Catholic Holiday

Last night, I had to do a quick run through Giant Eagle. Women behind me in line came up with a LOT of tonic water and a case of beer and a bottle of booze. I let her place her things on the belt in front of me (she was struggling), then she remarked about “Catholic holidays.” With all that guilt from family, church and your waistline, well, drinking seems as good as any reason to enjoy the...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

Yes, Santa Claus is cumming to town… Merry Christmas!

Mel

It’s much different than when brothers have slept with the same chick.

Holidays are a time where many of you single folks and newly coupleds will meet your SigOt’s family. I will be doing the same… omg, right? In the spirit of the holidays, I wanted to share some personal humiliation from my dating history while I was with The Fiancee. TF and I dated for about four years (I lost track) the first time we dated (there was that second time we dated where the...

Mel

He who matures early lives in anticipation.

I surprised myself today with a random memory from when I first arrived in Germany last March. I had just picked up my rental Audi, and stopped off at a secluded rest stop just outside Frankfurt. It was just a breathtaking view — the lot overlooked a cliff, and I marveled at the bright green hills of the countryside. I also needed a mini travel nap. I was surprised that I could even sleep in the car...

Mel

Dear Santa:

I figured what I would enjoy for Christmas (bow wrapping is optional, nudity is not)… Never be too good, Mel

Mel

Finger-bang Friday: DIRTY POP!

Dirty pop music: Dear Marie Claire: After being a loyal Glamour subscriber for over a decade, I canceled and subscribed to your periodical. Somehow I grew old of the tired, old rehashed BS seemingly multiplying issue-after-issue. As of the current issue, with ho-bag-big-boobs Jessica Simpson, I will be canceling yours as well. For pretty much the same reason. You can stop sending me re-up cards now....

Mel

A gift worth keeping

I have been completely worthless in my hostess entertainment for you, Internets. I have no promises that I will be better either. Here’s a little update, bitches: It seems the crappy holidays are upon us. Woo (emphatically woo, Scrooges). Work has been kicking my ass because rates are low, and people want to refinance the shit out of their homes to buy needless Christmas gifts, and suck the living...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

I return today for a lame update to your weekly penis pleasure. My group of friends does a yearly holiday White Elephant gift exchange. Two years ago, I inadvertenly received this from my friend D: This year, I opened this (also from D): Now, a Penis in which to sleep would make my holiday exchange...

Mel

I can ignore you AND run for two hours. With my eyes closed.

My typical running motivation kicked into high gear this week. Awesome. It’s cold and snowing in Cleveland, in case you haven’t noticed. Same time as two years ago, where I felt my legs itching for a twelve-mile trip to nowhere. Where else to run, since the motivation wanes as quickly as the mercury: the fucking gym. I. Hate. The. Gym. But not only feeling the blahs and the lazies, I have a hot...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

At some point in life, I’m sure your conscious has pondered, “Self, how can I get six penises at the same time?” It’s OK, I won’t tell. And I most certainly will not share. Smaller-than-average enough to shove all six in whichever hole you please, all while getting sticky under all that cream cheese frosting… oh, that’s not frosting, you say? Like butter. Penis,...

Mel

Carry on, my wayward drunk…

Last week I went through a new set of roller coaster emotions — all the unnecessary gut feelings and penis panic eventually dissipated (as friends and phantom Internets assured me it would). And by the end of the weekend, I felt more like myself once again. Relaxed. With the fucking giggly happiness at inexplicable moments when I’m really, REALLY trying to get some sleep. I’ve seem to hit...

Mel

Your part is silent, little toad!

This was too important to leave down in the comments. Commented by anonymous “Lonely” here on LL&PoyB: The whole debate over pros and cons of long-distance relationships assumes that you have the ability to choose one over the other. That one day you wake up and decide, “I want to date someone” and then only need to decide where that person lives. Not all of us are so lucky. Dating...

Mel

Side-tracked and blind-sided

In what initially started as a seamlessly happy week, Hump Day arrived, carrying with it two incidents involving my exes and an embarrassing tribute to life as a single person. First wasn’t that particularly awful, and not all that bothersome to this modern girl. I understand nobody can prevent with whom they are attracted, and I wish happiness for everyone that is a part of my life. It’s all...

Mel

The opposite of security is insecurity, and the only way to overcome insecurity is to take risks.

One of the most horrible outlook-altering phases of a budding relationship is the adoption of insecurity. As a twitter consensus produced, I am not alone in enduring this awful transition in dating somebody new. I have festering feelings — wondering if I’m smart enough. Or pretty enough. And gosh darn it, does he like me? Yes, yes and YES, of course. I gleefully over-indulged in my narcissistic...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

Here’s something to do out in the ‘burbs this weekend with all that snow. You won’t need to bring a penis because you will build it… and they will come: I love you cock! *kisses*...

Mel

What is making me produce cheese:

…phone calls every night just before bedtime — even if we’ve already talked that day. …middle-of-the-work-day phone call to let me know he’s coming in a day earlier than expected AND staying in town for a full weekend. …talking flight plans for New Year’s? Just might be somewhere partially desert and mostly sunny. Together? Woah. And sounds like just what I...