Mel

Finger-bang Friday: CRAZY!

In the spirit of Halloween and conversation last night at The Beachland in regard to craziest actress (Anne Heche), today’s topic is CRAZY! We’re all a little crazy, but some of us, more so. Happy Halloween! Crazy Mary: (thanks to both BUST blog and YouTube) When to start acting CRAZY in relationships (thanks to The Frisky) I’m sure every Britney fan remembers her crazy, thus inspiring...

Mel

Penis… Thursday?

If it’s not clear at this point, you can’t take me anywhere really, as I have an obvious maturity issue… or perhaps a seriously unhealthy obsession. As if penises were newly-created idols. Thanks to Bier Markt for helping me maintain my Obnoxious (Pumpkin Carving) Girl status and for a super-cool event. Regardless, here’s how much fun I had after drinking three Dogfish Punkin...

Mel

Heard around the office

(after talking about tonight’s plans with a female friend) BM: (said) have fun pumpkin carving tonight. BM: (heard) have fun carpet munching tonight.

Mel

My chance at TMI! (aka: how to get in my pants)

That’s too much (sexual) information. Courtesy of Dear Sugar – Weird Sex Statistics (and I’ll work through the quiz with you). Question 1: How long does the average sex session last (foreplay not included)? Seven, 11 or 18 minutes? This makes me feel very, very sad. Kind of like the time when I dated a guy that was ALWAYS about seven minutes. Good thing he was horny in the morning, and...

Mel

What the fuck, October?

I am trying my best to not let October suck the life out of me. I have practically ignored everything that has been thrown at me (yet playing into all those insomnia episodes anyway). But then yesterday happened. October 28. Almost to the end of the month… And Esteban decided he no longer wanted to be “touched there.” There was a half-inch row on my iPod Touch that, well, couldn’t...

Mel

Before I go to urgent care (ie: genius bar)

Wanted to remind everyone that Derek Hess & Kent Smith will be at Joseph Beth Booksellers at Legacy Village tonight to sign “Please God, Save Us.” Unfortunately, I will be on the wrong side of town today to say hello. Go out and give some Cleveland love. And pray for Esteban, for he has dead spots on his face and is annoyingly...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

Mmmmm. Pumpkin Pie. Perfect time of year for penises. You got your pumpkin-flavored lube too. But did you know that the smell of pumpkin pie increases blood flow to the penis? Oh yes, as do the odors of licorice, chocolate and doughnuts. Coincidently, all of which I enjoy rolling around in on a cool fall day. And something you will be singing through the...

Mel

Weekend hooligans and hootenanny.

FAIL. My attempts to remember plans have failed (remember how I mentioned my brain has turned to mush by stress?). Good thing traffic didn’t hold me up after work on Friday, as I had to catch the limo in muther-truckin Brecksville at 7 (made it there by 7:20-ish). We started off at Boneyard, where I lusted after a Spiderman pinball machine and draft Bass. Then, back to the limo for “apple...

Mel

Apparently you would like me to tell you to fuck off again.

10SB left another voice message today. Why he bothered is beyond my scope of understanding. Even in his message he sadly proclaimed, “I know you’re not going to return my call.” And again, he hopes I am well. I forgot. Didn’t he say in his last message – OVER A MONTH AGO – that he wouldn’t bother me again? (etc., etc.) Non-private message to 10SB: You’re not...

Mel

Halloween, Trampy Part 1

Boss’ loft party. Loftworks is a cool fucking place. And I look hot, of course. The Doctor is hot too, even with all that “blood” all over him. But I’m fairly certain he has a girlfriend. Why? Because some chick pulled him away just as our conversation warmed. And their costumes kind of matched. Then their group left abruptly. It’s ok. I got the “turn back around one...

Mel

So disgusting, I almost forgot to barf.

Ew. Found an e-mail that I sent to a friend at the beginning Mr. Waffles: Subject: You deserve it! I think you deserve a big “thank you” from me today. Yeah, I know it’s early on with whatever status our relationship is and all that crap, but I feel as though meeting him means there are wonderful people out there just perfect for me.  I about melted when he told me Saturday night how...

Mel

Calling all singles!

From Cleveland Magazine online: Would you, or someone you know, like to be featured in our February issue? Submit a photo of yourself and tell us why we should name you one of our hot singles. We’re looking for eligible bachelors and bachelorettes of all ages. Nominate here. Deadline is November...

Mel

And for my bisexual fans…

HELLO!? Did anyone see the “Lucky Thirteen” episode of House last night? If not, you’ll have to wait eight days before it’s available online. Holy freaking crap, girl-on-girl action on prime time. I heart me some Olivia Wilde. Don’t you wish you were a fan? Or bisexual for that matter. And lastly, where in the world do you find hot bisexual chicks like her (or her kissing...

Mel

Feeling Hallo…

Hey, fuckers. This has been a strange set of days. I lost over five pounds from abstaining from alcohol for a week (two days remaining), which is perfect timing to be all less bloated for my trampy Halloween stylings. I finally had an AWESOME costume idea too. Yesterday. For my mom to construct in less than 11 days (for my big invite on November 1st). She thinks she might be able to do it too because she...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

Halloween is coming, perverted pricks. I got the tricks, if you got the treats. Do you have your anonymous penis costume? I’m pretty sure I can tell who it is by the ball size: Found at the bottom of your bag, a condom, just in time for the female tramp parade: Sweets for the sweet — or so I hear sweets make it taste...

Mel

I see you looking at me like that!

I got “that look” from my sister when we at dinner together over the weekend. Not to be confused with “that” look, obviously. But that look of smug disdain while I rehashed my story of 10SB’s attempt in trying to communicate with me (multiple times) since the breakup, and my apathetic-ness towards it all. That look of “oh, we liked him” followed partially by a sigh...

Mel

The sweetest thing…

You know you’re from Cleveland when… Right? Fucking Sweetest Day. It annoys me. My favorite Sweetest Day night out was a couple of years ago, and consisted of me and three good friends having an awesome dinner at the now-closed Alfonso’s in Kamm’s Corner. The table beside us was another four-some of older women (senior citizen age) enjoying their own “girls night” in...

Mel

ODOT = Ohio Department Of Tantalization (POLISCI216)

ODOT = Recent headlines charge that Garfield Heights ODOT employees Dennis L. Kratochvil, Terrence M. Kosmata and Kevin M. Horrigan helped themselves to an inappropriate vendor schwag bag of strippers and hired garage out-call services, three-state “fishing trips” … and ham. Kratochvil — singled out in majority of the inspector general’s report — paid-it-forward, utilizing the...

Mel

ODOT = Ohio Department Of Tantalization

Recent headlines charge that Garfield Heights ODOT employees Dennis L. Kratochvil, Terrence M. Kosmata and Kevin M. Horrigan helped themselves to an inappropriate vendor schwag bag of strippers and hired garage out-call services, three-state “fishing trips” … and ham. Kratochvil — singled out in majority of the inspector general’s report — paid-it-forward, utilizing the power...

Mel

My body says, “HATE you.”

I realized last night through a different set of conversations that I have had a lot of shit happening: tumor-like bug bites, dates, shots and scalpels, waiting rooms… another “Only Mel” run-down. The life is glamorous, no? My desk calendar fucking hates me as much as my body. I wish I could post a picture of all the handwritten jibberish, but I also jot down personal work contacts and...