Mel

Changing the mood

I was so happy that I had plans with my other M on Saturday to take my mind off otherwise awful events. My afternoon was all about Cleveland! First stop was a trip to the West Side Market. I bought some tomato-basil hummus, cheese curds, chorizo, a beautiful eggplant, asparagus, baby tomatoes, fresh green onions, a couple green peppers and a jumbo quart of strawberries. Yes, I also spent less than $20. I...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

Oh, I think my head will explode. Not just a clever euphemism. I hear if you jack it too much that you can actually make your penis explode. This is no laughing matter, as I actually almost lost my breakfast thinking about a penis rupture. Seems to happen more often than not when getting a bit too overzealous with the penis pump. But certain instances also occur while having intercourse. When thinking with...

Mel

Prayers Needed

This category of post is never easy. If you pay attention to local news, you may have heard the tragic story of the four Willoughby college students involved in a head-on collision near Athens County. One of those young men is my cousin, Rodney Hynd. His friend and driver was killed, as well as the driver of the other car. My cousin, with severe brain injuries, has once again been downgraded to critical...

Mel

Sing us the song, you’re the Piano Man!

I randomly thought today about another guy that I briefly dated in high school. And believe it, Internets — HE WAS A NICE GUY. I was only in my sophomore year, and I remember him coming to pick me up at my grandmother’s house (he was a year or two above me). I was in awe when Piano Man sat down at my grandmother’s piano and started playing by heart something so intensely beautiful. I...

Mel

I know you are, but what am I?

Wow. I was a bit hypocritical yesterday. I say a few days ago that I will welcome and embrace my “single-ness,” then I go and be melodramatic about wanting to be in a relationship. There Mel goes again: The Walking Contradiction. What do you want to talk about today? I initially declared September to be National Talk About Your Ex-Boyfriends Month, so I guess I’ll drop a couple more...

Mel

The day in which I am not getting humped

Maybe that’s my problem. I’m not getting laid. And to be honest, I really have no desire to lay or be laid right now. The thought of getting into something emotionally sweaty again just churns my insides. My surroundings have made me feel very meh as of late. Although I feel as though I’m on the brink of being interested in a Mr. Potential. Two actually. I have made happy face at two...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

Summer’s done and left me. No more hot dogs in my buns for a while. Did you know that certain phallic-shaped food items actually have aphrodisiac effects? I figured I would list the foods you eat that pervertedly suggest the dirty, dirty on the penis while eating them: The obvious selection, hot dog — they don’t call ‘em wieners for nothing! Banana — comes with its own...

Mel

Teach your children well… the singles hell.

I chatted with my three-year old niece on the phone yesterday. She is remarkable with words and perhaps wise beyond her years some times: Cutest Niece Ever: My boyfriend Miles is moving to New York. (note: little Miles is her next-door neighbor and they are inseparable) Mel: I heard. Are you sad? CNE: Yeah. Do you have a boyfriend? Mel: No, no boyfriend. CNE: Why don’t you have a boyfriend? Mel:...

Mel

I need to remember that I’m awesome.

While you were all trying to figure out forearm vs. leg (it’s forearm), or believing that only women could be shit-talkers (grown men can act like gossip girls too), I am preparing for the return of “HIMYM” and “Big Bang Theory.” I need myself a brilliant geek, me thinks. And perhaps a Whopper with cheese. I overkilled on beer and music and dancing and enchiladas this weekend....

Mel

Laugh today at my expense

Yesterday after getting my tattoo, I was looking in the bathroom mirror, being all poser– and posing. I actually said out loud, “I’m such a badass!” because, well, I’m a tool. Then I hit my elbow on the corner of my granite countertop, teared up from the pain, and said a couple mutha-fuckers. I’m so awesome. ...

Mel

Do you feel better now?

I am not necessarily a vengeful person; however, this morning my ears and face are burning with intense rage because I learned that someone was talking shit about me. Which, let the Karma fall where it may, I obviously do that here, but what-the-fuck-ever. I swear to Christ I will be your worst fucking nightmare. That being said, I know that I am a better and stronger person because I have genuine friends...

Mel

I’m not in love… it’s just a silly phase I’m going through.

I’ve had the pleasure of being in love a few times. It is wonderful to be in that moment, even for a more realistic-than-romantic person like myself. That whole beginning, sappy, heart-bursting beginning to a newly-formed relationship. Just bliss and foreverness engraved in your heart. I started to think about my past loves — how and when the first “I love you” occurred. And I call...

Mel

The calm AFTER the storm

While I’m left to my own devices attempting to figure out where in the world I gained a hangover through a glass of wine and a drink, here’s a brief hit into my whirlwind days of happy hours. Apparently I needed to make up for being permanently attached to my couch (read: bathroom floor) all day Sunday with a packed schedule for the week. Tuesday, I had the wonderful opportunity to meet some...

Mel

The Contents of the Ex Box

I didn’t go all dramatic or crazy (or both) and destroy the contents of my ex box. As I opened it this weekend (whatever, I was already in a shitty mood), I realized this was not something I wanted to throw away. That being said, I did rid my box of a few less assholes’ memorabilia, mostly in my own misguided adventures of revenge, but majority of my memories were really good and happy. Which I...

Mel

You don’t want… well, I don’t want it!

Seeing as how I have unofficially dedicated this blog to my exes this month, how appropriate to have my guest blog about past losers appear on Ex-Boyfriend Jewelry — and on Penis Tuesday, to boot! If you don’t remember, I passed along some blog love to Ex-Boyfriend Jewelry recently, and they were awesome enough to return the favor. I love these girls AND their site, so please check them out!...

Mel

And then I met her…

I was reading an article online about cheating and the fantasy of coming face-to-face with the wench that ruined everything (of course, I can’t find the article now, but whatever, you get my drift). This happened to me, but in a very, very strange way, with a slightly satisfying outcome. I was in a long relationship, and subsequently found out he was seeing someone else. Mostly through my powers of...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

Thanks for The Modern Gal for this gem. Twitter turns anonymous postings into something about the penis. I can now entertain myself all day! In fact, I think I will, with some all-things-penis from my own tweets: loves when it’s cottage cheese and penis bars for lunch. about 2 hours ago from web started with “Space Dogs” by Tori Amos. Nice. Now I started my...

Mel

Now I got benched?

Deal Breakers, Benching, Pancaked… eh, I could do without all the clever ways of you masking the fact you DON’T want to date me. Seriously, fucking man up, assholes. But for the interested, here’s what you really get for breakfast when you are pancaked (courtesy of Urban Dictionary). And then here are eight rules to “benching” (courtesy of Daily Bedpost). Read: football not in...

Mel

WTF is wrong with me?

Because I make the most awesome of decisions while intoxicated, I figure it would be perfect to do one or more of the following: a) Give myself The Worst Ever Hangover, which prevented me from any and all tailgating activities ALL DAY long on Sunday. b) Pass along my blog AND phone number to a Plain Dealer reporter, who got me seriously, seriously drunk at both Bier Markt and Garage Bar. He then drove my...

Mel

When living alone is lonely

I don’t like sitting at my dining room table. I have probably eaten there a total of five times since I moved in nearly three years ago. I usually distract myself during feeding times either on the floor at the coffee table or in front of my computer. Or “bachelor style” standing at the counter. Shit, I’d even rather get crumbs in bed than look at three empty chairs. I...