Mel

Heard around the office

Mel: Weird. Look at my arm twitching. BM: Your arm is coming back to form with the two hours you spent jerkin’ off that guy last night. M1:Did you get laid last night? M2: I know, he’s all happy and whistling and singing today. BM: Dude. It’s because I stopped smoking. I feel better, I look better… my dick is bigger.

Mel

Is it vanilla? Maybe banana… oooh, pina colada.

Internets. Today I woke up very happy. I may or may not have woken with a boner… Wait, is “woken” a word? And it was more than just the Golden Grahams. After my night, you might think I would be sluggish, hungover or 24 fewer brain cells. Oh, Wednesdays, we can’t take you anywhere. I left work early yesterday (yes!) for a committee meeting at D’Vine. Some days it’s...

Mel

That’s Church!

(thanks, Pittgirl!) On my way into my office building, a woman held the door for me, but scoffed and let go as I squeezed in. Walking slowly behind her through the tiny hall corridors, she began humming church hymns. I’m pretty sure my shirt is too low cut. Whew! It is too hot (I’m complaining, I know, but I actually dreamed of winter last night and got EXCITED). Anyway, lots of stuff happening...

Mel

Penis Tuesday – Special Edition

Today’s installment of Penis Tuesday is very special. It is dedicated to my favorite bloggers… that have a penis. Not surprisingly, most of the blogs I read are by men. I don’t know what that says about me. Taawd, the newest entry on my list of blog stalking, has nominated me for this award. He will get a thank you in person. The rest of you will just be given a very, very special Penis...

Mel

I will pay you a dollar to dry off your sweaty balls.

Is there a world where Mondays don’t exist? But then all the annoying “Monday” crap would occur on Tuesday, right? But Tuesday is Penis Tuesday fun day, and I somehow find that exciting. Or maybe that is just penises in general. *sigh* Regardless, I need to find a way to start sleeping on Sunday nights. I tossed-and-turned way beyond Cheaters and both late night South Park episodes. Then,...

Mel

Did he just say ‘drop a number two on your face’?

What’s up drunks? You’re welcome for that drink. Last night was the Mansions/Paper Rival/New Frontiers/The Honorary Title show at the Grog Shop. Awesome show. Early, which left plenty of time to party on, Wayne. I really was truly only interested in Paper Rival, especially after seeing them at the Grog Shop this past year. I hope they start catching some publicity or something because I would...

Mel

Changing gears and eating cheese

Wow, I was a wench yesterday. Almost immediately upon publishing that post, Matt from Addicted to Vinyl TOTALLY hooked me (and Esteban) up with all the Journey mp3s. He totally rocks and played a HUGE part in changing my mood yesterday. Moving on… Last night, Mel was at MELT! I was catching up with an old pal. From something straight out of those stupid girlie dramas, the waitress was blatantly...

Mel

Some unfinished business

Today was a beautiful roll-down-all-the-windows day. But something was missing. I had work bag, purse, Esteban, my cell phone, water bottle, debit card — my mind is always questionable. Then I figured it out. I was missing my Journey’s Greatest Hits CD. The CD that always sat in the disk six position in my changer. And I know exactly where it is. IN MY EX-BOYFRIEND’S FUCKING CD...

Mel

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Men are the dumb rocks in which they came.

What do you do with jewelry from ex-boyfriends? Keep it, sell it… ack, give it back? (whatever). The ladies over at Ex-Boyfriend Jewelry have the right idea: a web shopping area designed for women to rid themselves of all those heartfelt gifts received when he cared enough to buy the very best. Or make up for being such an asshole. Take some time and read the hilarious break up stories behind the...

Mel

There’s popcorn in the shots?

Hey there, hi there, ho there, Campers. Who’s making pancakes? No matter it was Monday, we found a way to cram as much alcohol into our night out before working man’s bedtime. As you have probably figured out, my friends and I all enjoy Mexican for our birthday dinner of choice. No exceptions last night, with a double celebration for two of my good friends at Cozumel. We chose the location on...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

You knew it was coming: male enhancement and penis enlargement do-hickeys. Bigger penis equals bigger fun, as manufacturers of penis extenders will have the male population believe. I am fascinated by penis enlargement systems — or more likely, the statistics of its success. The X4 penis extender (sold at around $300) is the most technologically-advanced on the market for penis enlargement,...

Mel

Heard around the office

BM: fuckin’ A! Me: fuckin’ B! BM: Wanna fuck? Me: fuckin’ U! M1: it’s telling to put it in a zip file and attach it. Me: I don’t know how to do that. I only know how to unzip. *office laughter* I work with a bunch of perverts.

Mel

I’ll take the mulligan.

No surprise, I added another fun weekend to my summer “to-done” list; however, there are some things I would do over. Saturday, I must have rode about 30 miles on my bike. I left my place around 2:30, to take off for Walk+Roll Lakewood. I didn’t realize activities started at 4. Odd time. I definitely would have lounged around for another hour, had I known, but I cut over through some...

Mel

Pondering

I sit at my desk attempting to grasp the idea that five Office Max locations in a ten-mile radius do not currently have in stock reams of legal paper. With that, I need to know if the following scenario makes me very cheap: I recently dumped like $70 at Trader Joe’s. I am not a fan of frozen foods at all, but I bought a few packages of pre-made enchiladas and some grilled eggplant. Good stuff, right?...

Mel

On living alone

Finally, last night I was able to dig into some of my new magazine subscriptions (last issue for Glamour, sorry publisher, but you just don’t mesh well with me anymore) before “Swingtown” began. Inside my Marie Claire was the holy-hell funniest thing I have ever read (well, besides David Sedaris, of course): Learning to Live Alone. The article was part of the monthly “Survival...

Mel

Does the Orkin man rid you of ex-boyfriends?

I have some ex-boyfriends I would like to go away. Those pesky lil’ buggers. In the past few weeks, I have made clean breaks from more asshats on the ex-list. SSD came into Cleveland a few weekends ago. I found out from a 4 a.m. text message asking me “threesome?” After rounds of text messages over the last month, then this night’s trick of never-fulfilled promises, I knew I had to...

Mel

We know how to have fun in the Dub Vee.

This was the best camping trip yet! I am so happy I decided to go this year. I cannot believe for a second that I forgot how much I look forward to this trip every July. We had 99 confirmed campers — 88 of which were rafting. New River water levels were high, and I finally got to be on a boat with all the guys. If you missed it, I posted pictures here a couple days ago. Friday was HOT to put up the...

Mel

More Mel Adventures in Dating

Men! There is a new way to pick up a chick. Wait until she leaves her car parked in the garage and passive-aggressively leave a note on her windshield, like so: Seriously. I’m surprised there’s not a winky emoticon on the note. As if I would misunderstand his request for a mustache ride or something. But to be fair, I had a dress on, and he helped lift my bike into the rack on my car (I...

Mel

Oh, blogging? I LOVE blogging!

Had to do this one today: Blogging. You know, I really do love to blog. I also love you. I love that you have all joined me for this ride. Awwww. Sappy. But seriously, do you think if I used that same line from the Twix commercial that I could get...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

I have heard of some weird ways to have sex. While I always thought the “dick in your ear” bit was grossly humorous, I never paid particular attention to the strange places in which the penis gets pleasure. Then I read the term penis-to-armpit intercourse, and I was all like, wha? Cleverly nicknamed, “pit job.” I’m sorry, but nobody is coming (pun intended) near my pit, my...