Mel

Taking the Bull by the Balls

My favorite definition of the word “bull” is of the vulgar variety: a ludicrously false statement; nonsense. Suggested by quoted e-mails between Mark Dann and his office love slave, Jessica Utovich, The Columbus Dispatch revealed Thursday that the ever-endearing moniker “bull” is the true pride of Mark Dann — his penis. In an e-mail from Utovich to Dann, inquiring to the current...

Mel

You never call, you never write… you just move.

Wow, got a fun post out of my former blogger-days courtesy of Wayback Machine for you. Seriously, enter in an URL for some old-fashioned web design horrors! With a lot of breakups, the “It’s not you, it’s me” phrase rolls endlessly off the tongue. And other times… well, you get nothing. Here’s a (not) fun breakup story of my own with the Chiropractor, John, and how I got...

Mel

Man vs. Woman & the Boob-touching Thing

A few weeks ago I was beyond-my-limit frustrated with not being able to get my Mac connected to the u-verse wireless in the house. (Note: still. does not. work. Thanks, Apple). When the boyfriend came into my office, seeing the Apple desktop to my right with thirty Internet connection and AirPort windows open, the laptop on my left fully loaded to support-based forums, and me twiddling away on my little...

Mel

Inspiration for Your Day!

It has been far too long since I have motivated you, dear Internets. Here are a few things that are helping me get through learning CSS, WordPress, FTP-ing and what-the-hell-is-Twitter?: Esteban is trying to recharge the “Good Guys” with: ANYTHING remixed by Kleerup,  ”I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry, “I Love to Move in Here (Crookers Bass in Here Mix)” by Moby,...

Mel

Countdown to S&TC

Today’s corny blog challenge for all you hard-core Sex & the City fans is to choose your favorite episode. Mine is “Hop, Skip & a Week” from Season 6. That split second when Carrie realizes Burger dumped her after she “let” him come back into her life the previous night, is truly a heart-stopping, can-I-breathe-yet moment. Holy crap, when she hits that flower vase...

Mel

Happy belated Mother-effin…

How sweet it is to get double-trouble exploring the city of Cleveland Saturday afternoon. Let the Mom & me adventures commence. Being all consumed by big birthday bashes (and free hamburgers) this year, my mom and I had a Saturday afternoon to ourselves to gleefully celebrate a belated Mother’s Day and that “adding a one to my age” business. Both of us drool for greasy spoons, so I...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

Something a little different this week for all you penis lovers: I’ve decided to declare a Dick of the Month. This DICK is the driver of the silver Mitsubishi Eclipse with the license number DEN 3870. Thank you, ass munch for thinking you had enough clearance to get around me to the left lane in front of Legacy Village. With my car being a bit grimy and inappropriate for summer cruising, I did not...

Mel

Won’t you take me to… Swingtown, PLEASE?!

When I was younger, I was a huge fan of the show “Married with Children.” While on one of our weekend-with-my-father visitation schedules, my sisters and I turned the channel to Fox for the new episode. The TV was instantly shut down by my grandma with a stern warning not only reminding us that television rots the brain, but that “Children” promoted bad marital values. (“But...

Mel

Shopping List

We had to pick up a few items at Walgreens: Ultra-ribbed condoms The Trojan vibrating (cock) ring Tingling and warming lotions sampler package And… A large squeeky Mallard duck dog toy Cuz you know, you don’t want the cashier looking at you all weird. Apparently the drug store in itself was exciting enough, as we picked up some Arby’s, finished American Idol, and both crashed somewhere...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

Since a family tragedy takes me offline both emotionally and physically for a couple days, just a quick vid for your Penis Tuesday fun (NSFW!! and it's in German): Puppetry of the Penis Thanks to an anonymous reader!

Mel

Bathroom Break

Sometimes saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing at all. (Certainly making me laugh is better than me feeling ignored). And sometimes the action of a small hug means something bigger than you can ever imagine. I tolerated the thought process for this post while en route to the woman's restroom (and scratched notes with my nail on a sheet of toilet paper), while enduring a day-long fit of...

Mel

Congrats!

Residents of California: YEEEEEAAAAH!!!!! Winner of America's Next Top Model: WOOHOO! Oil control lotion that actually WORKS on Mel's face: Holy hell, and I need another $80 to add to the...

Mel

When one doors closes, another one opens, just to hit you on the ass again on your way out.

With the completion by resignation of Marc Dann from public office, we move on to more prominent public figures.. such as your trusted Cuyahoga County Recorder, Patrick O'Malley. Wait… who? Oh yeah, that town drunk who had that little nasty divorce battle with VICKI! a few years back. In a somewhat hushed move, O'Malley allegedly cleared out his office things. I know you're thinking...

Mel

Penis Tuesday

Holy, Land of Four-hour Hard-ons, Batman! Priaprism is the serious medical condition of having an erection for way longer than necessary (but just about as long as I could handle it). A persistent, painful, four-hour-long erection, mind you. And by the sound of it, fellas, it doesn't sound as if you can just tuck-it-in-your-belt-and-forget-about-it. Doesn't make all those commercials with all the...

Mel

The Mel Hangover finally ends…

It was my birthday celebration weekend. Now aging gracefully and maturing to my ripening season, I figure I could handle my liquor a bit better. Rightfully, I’d like to “man up.” This not having the ability to drink without a hangover for three days needs to cease-and-desist. This is why Mel had the Best Weekend Ever! Let the martinis (with gin, please) commence! Thursday night was the...

Mel

Something smells funny…

Most have heard that smell is closely tied to memory, but did you know there is also a part of smell that leads to a little more bedroom action? I've long heard the propensity for men to be attracted to women wearing certain scents; for example, vanilla (does my new Vanilla Cupcake body wash from Sephora make you randy?). But did you know that people were… FAKING it? Human Pheromones exist to...

Mel

I don’t know what kind of crack they’re brewing in my coffee…

but for the second time this week, I realized I put my underwear on inside-out.

Mel

They only want you when you’re 17; when you’re 21 31, you’re no fun.

I have gone and turned 31. It's not really a bad age; 30 was an amazing year for me. A lot of what I set out to do this year, I have accomplished, and I feel at peace with my successes. I am content that the motivation I felt will not diminish after this new number is added after that 3. Unfortunately for everyone around me, I hate what I'm doing, not the work so much as the accountability and...

Mel

A few thoughts on humanity… and my mother.

If there was a ever a question as to the reason we are the "fattest city in America," then you need to click here: NewsNet5 Live Video at Papa John's UPDATE: OK, fans are waiting FIVE HOURS in line for a 23-cent pizza. Seems to me that time is much more valuable than saving a mere TEN DOLLARS on a freaking pizza. Seriously, do you people have JOBS? UPDATE: it is ten o'clock pm. There are...

Mel

Mel de Mayo

I second the sentiment my friend made about having a diet entirely based on Mexican food. Even with an early leftovers lunch, I'm still skipping around the office singing "I Love Mexican." And no, my boyfriend's name is not Eduardo. Last night we incorporated Ladies' Night, "Seis de Mayo" and my birthday celebrations all into one very special Nuevo Acapulco dinner. I swear...