10 REALLY stupid things about women.

10 Things You Didn’t Know You Wish Men Knew About You

Wait… wha?

See below 10 items that I’m fairly certain I do not obsess about, with certainty that any woman who would WANT her man to know is genuinely and absolutely psychotic.

1. I’m convinced I’m pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

Yeah, I’m on birth control, so I know I’m not pregnant. In fact, I know EXACTLY when my period is going to start. And I can also make it go away with an obsessive combination of female hormones in two days, if I so choose.

Secretly still, the psychotic is REALLY in her bathroom counting down the next 30 seconds of “pregnant” or “not pregnant” all while pondering her next three babies’ names. And probably still hasn’t washed the urine off her fingers.

2. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

Uhhh, not unless it’s a picture of your penis. In someone’s vagina. And hopefully a redhead… Sorry, I did not come here for the articles.

And that crazy? Yeah, she’s multi-tasking at work by marking red hearts on her desk calendar for all the “important dates” she assumes you remember and have boxes of red roses delivered.

3. If I’m not having sex with you, I’m… a.) …having a fat day. b.) …not feeling “connected” to you. c.) …blackmailing you to get something I want.

You have my guarantee that I will not withhold sex from you. Fat Day: Sex, please. Cannot Find Network: Sex, please. I’m blackmailing you to get what I want and that something is sex: Sex, please.

WTF? BLACKMAIL? For what? His impatience in your virginal un-leg-spreading that he started humping your twin sister or your couch?

4. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I’m not afraid to use it.

I do not.

And use it for… what exactly? If I got a CD that I’m not afraid to use, it’s going to be Basement Jaxx, and I will be playing “Get Me Off.” See #3.

“Electric Youth” does not a mood make.

5. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

As opposed to “indirectly”? I hereby consider #5 null-and-void because, really? We all know your psycho ass will say “yes” to anything with a pulse, Affliction attire and a tribal armband tattoo.

6. I want to be Madonna.

If I intend to give homage to any 80s musical creature, it will be Bob Seger, thankyouverymuch.

Batshit called for you. It’s 80s party time again. I’m totally there if Sandra Bernhardt is invited.

7. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

I did not come here for positive reinforcement or daily self-affirmation greetings. Feel me UP, please.

Stupid woman. Stupid, stupid woman. With all the crappy magazines hidden under that coffee table, you should have learned by now that men do not do “feelings.”

8. I love it when you’re sweaty.

Yes. I know this much is true.

9. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

Replace “bum” with “balls” and now we’re getting somewhere with this list.

10. You should know all this and more without my telling you.

Has the phrase “lack of communication” come up in any of your exit interviews?

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